You think you’ve heard of every kind of crime there is and then a woman tries to assassinate her husband with her vagina. According to the UK’s Mirror, a Brazilian woman, whose name is being withheld, is accused of putting a toxic plant substance on her hoo-ha and asking her husband to give her oral sex. According to reports, his life was spared because he noticed a “strange smell” emanating from down there and took his wife to the hospital to get to the bottom of her unusual odor. The tests, of course, revealed that her vagina was poisonous. Is it possible to poison your vagina without poisoning yourself? I’m getting hung up on that. Details and logistics aside, WTF, world? [Mirror UK]
Helloooo, Florida! You’re back. And with important life lessons for us. What can we learn from 53-year-old teacher, Mary Maloney? That if you’re arrested for a hit-and-run, it’s a very bad idea to offer the police officer oral sex in return for your release. Yeah, that’s only going to make matters worse, along with that empty gallon jug of wine behind the driver’s seat. It’s not looking good for Mary Maloney. There is a time and place to offer a blowjob. This certainly was not it. [Huffington Post]
Click through for more tales of oral sex gone terribly, terribly, terribly wrong.
Can we all just agree, as a society, no oral sex on public transportation? Kthx. Two couples were filmed on a New York City subway giving/receiving blowjobs in a very NSFW video posted on World Star Uncut. It’s way too overacted to be real, in my opinion — or maybe I’m just not giving my blowjobs vigorously enough. Is this a spontaneous act of teenaged bad decision making? Porn actors filming a gonzo video? Does it matter? There could be no grosser setting than a 6 train car with the faint smell of urine and unforgiving flourescent lighting. BRB, off to buy my hand sanitizer in triplicate. [Gothamist]
Rookie Mag’s fabulous Ask A Grown Man video series gives us a peek into the male mind from the likes of Jon Hamm and Judd Apatow. NPR host Ira Glass is the latest grown man to dish out advice (he also happens to be the husband of Anaheed Alani, an editor for Rookie) … but not after first teaching us all how to make balloon animals! A balloon Snoopy, in fact. He also answers questions about whether guys think women with short hair are “feminine looking” and how to tell a man in a sexy way that you’ve never given him a blowjob. “I think I can speak for all men when I say there is no unsexy way to tell a man you want to give him a blowjob,” Ira explains. “Literally any words you choose are going to be the right words. Those are are incredibly welcome words of any man or boy of any age. You could write it in crayon in another language and then translate it word by word. You could write it in Braille and run his fingers across it. You could put the words in the reverse. You could say it Yoda-style, like, ‘Blowjob, want to have?” Yoda-style! Whoa. Let’s not get carried away, girls. It’s just a blowie. [Rookie Mag]
Would you be grossed out if a hook-up kissed you after going ‘downtown’? Or would you be seriously offended if a guy rejected a post-bj make out session? Oral sex protocol is a seriously opinion-dividing topic, and I totally get why. A lot of guys just don’t like the idea of going mouth to mouth with someone whose lips have just touched their junk, the same way loads of girls don’t want to get a taste of their own downstairs area. On the flip side, it can feel like a pretty big rejection when a guy turns away from a sweet kiss after you’ve given him the blow job business. It’s just personal preference, which makes dealing with it a bit of a gray area. Read more…