The online dating scene is rough. Sure, it’s a great way to meet people, but we use the term “people” loosely, as some of the individuals we’ve come in contact with still seem to be in their primitive forms. Obviously, first impressions count … but not to these idiots.
Sender: 29, Male
Receiver: 26, Female
Tip: When the second message someone sends you (after you haven’t responded to the first message) is about how badly they want their tongue between your legs, you should reply by telling them how badly you want absolutely nothing between theirs, because assholes should not be allowed to procreate.
Did someone send you a creeptastic or WTF message on a dating site? Take a screenshot of the message/your interaction and send it to us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Include the info in the post above. (Don’t worry … if we choose to use it, it’ll be anonymous and we’ll make sure to guard all identifying information!)
A sex new app called Lick This allows users to engage in interactive exercises that supposedly train your tongue for pleasure. I know what you’re thinking: Great idea, but how is that possible without actually licking my iPhone screen? Answer: it’s not. You are meant to flick a light switch, move a zipper up and down, solve a maze, crank a handle and ring a doorbell with your tongue ON YOUR GERM-INFESTED SCREEN. And then you want to put that dirty mouth in some unlucky person’s pants? I think not. Although the app’s creators suggest that you wrap your phone in plastic before you get down to business, we know that people are about as likely to do that as they are to use a dental dam. Keep reading »
I love my boyfriend. And I love giving him blow jobs. What I do not love is the taste of spunk. No matter whose splooge it is, it tastes like a cross between sour juice, bitters, mold, and a dirty sock. Even Bobby Flay couldn’t make this milky concoction taste good. I’ve hypothesized women who say it taste good are either a) lying or b) have taste buds damaged by years of smoking. But I don’t smoke and like Abe Lincoln, I cannot tell a lie. I love a nice pearl necklace, but the taste of semen makes me gag. Can pineapple juice make splooge taste better? Read the results of our taste test on Your Tango…
We licked and sucked eight flavors of condoms — chocolate, strawberry, garlic, marijuana, cola, banana, vanilla and grape — so you don’t have to. No cunning linguist wants to take the V-day date to the bedroom, only to be stuck with a sub-par condom flavor profile. So which condom is most flavorful? Which color looked the weirdest stretched over a banana? Why does our boss now feel like “a slut?” Watch the video on Huffington Post to find out…
Once upon a time, in the year 1997, a 28-year-old rapper named Jay-Z (when he still had the hyphen) sat down for an interview with former 2 Live Crew member Luther Campbell in his adult film series, “Luke’s FreakShow.” Though the pair of hip-hop heavyweights were supposed to be discussing, you know, music, Jay was noticeably distracted by the two women going at it next to him on the couch. (Very NSFW clip is after the jump.) Why are they there? Why not? is the question. Because when you’re Luther Campbell, and you’re best known for songs like “Me So Horny” and “Face Down Ass Up,” this is just how you roll. But I wonder if Beyonce has seen this gem from her husband’s past? If so, I bet he spent a night on the couch when she found out. (Again, warning: SO NSFW.) [Consequence of Sound via Gawker] Keep reading »
The rich aren’t like you and I. They even have better oral sex! Why, Gloria Vanderbilt once had a lover who was the “Nijinsky of cunnilingus,” as she referred to him in her memoirs. Anderson Cooper recounted the story of awkwardly proofreading these memoirs during a roundtable discussion on CNN. His guests pointed out Coop likely knows as little about cunnilingus as he does about modern dance. NSFW, so pop in your earbuds! [YouTube]