Let’s be honest: sex is not always the softly focused oxytocin bath that Cosmopolitan magazine spreads make it out to be. Sometimes sex is a romp on dirty sheets with a grabby guy who’s got terrible body odor and zero condoms.
But hey, bad sex is still sex. And if you are horny as we are at The Frisky, you’ll take the bull by the horns anyway because you know there’s a way to troubleshoot most any sexual snaffoo. I am not a sex therapist, but I am a woman who’s has wide variety of sex with a decent number of dudes and have encountered all these problems. (For more in-depth sexual troubleshooting, I recommend the kickass sex guide, Guide To Getting It On.)
After the jump, a thorough, honest (and heteronormative, cause I’m a straight lady who sleeps with dudes) guide to troubleshooting bad sex.
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It was a very bad week for bunnies. Not only did Til, the famous mutant German bunny with no ears, get squished to death this week, but Miss Cooper, a bunny that lived in an NYC boutique, was stolen, too! We also talked about the veritable epidemic plaguing women: migraines. And we discussed the baby geniuses in New Hampshire that are trying to pass a law that would make it okay for doctors to tell women that abortions cause cancer. Which is not true. Mmkay. Tipping the scales for good this week: Well, the finale may have sucked, but we’ll always have “The Bachelor” sketchbook. Pat Robertson, who generally never has anything nice to say, says oral sex is okay (within specific parameters, of course). And the awesome story of the women of Virginia, who were frustrated with Senator Ryan McDougle, an ardent supporter of that state’s transvaginal ultrasound bill. They figured if he cared so much about their vaginas they’d left him know what was going on with them all the time, so they began providing graphic vagina updates on his Facebook wall. Rock on!
Rest assured, everyone: oral sex is not bad for you. TV evangelist Pat Robertson decrees it to be so! He was speaking strictly to a married man and woman, so the jury is still out on the morality of us
strumpets single girls going down. Nevertheless, we are somewhat comforted by his logic that “It’s what’s in your mind … if to you it’s sin, it’s sin.” (Now if he could just apply that same logic to the gays.) We are eagerly waiting for Pat Robertson’s thoughts on anal. [YouTube]
When I heard yesterday that New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christie made a blowjob joke while campaigning for Mitt Romney, I thought it just sounded, at worst, crude. (And embarrassing for Romney’s squeaky-clean Mormon image, although that’s another story.) Christie was rallying for Romney at a campaign stop in Exeter, New Hampshire, when some women started chanting about jobs going down. After a few distracting chants, Christie says, “You know, something may go down tonight but it ain’t going to be jobs, sweetheart.” Keep reading »
Men, meet your new guru, and ladies, meet your new hero — Jamie Bell. The actor, who you probably remember best as the lead in “Billy Elliot” and as Evan Rachel Wood’s boyfriend, had a lot to say about cunnilingus when being interviewed by British GQ. Like, couldn’t stop talking about the importance of it. For example, when the magazine asked him for his thoughts on how to impress a woman, he said:
“Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let’s cut to the primal — be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what’s going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.”
Then later on, when asked about a skill every guy should possess, he didn’t suggest being able to grill a good steak or change a tire. Nope, he was down to talk about going down — again.
“Skill? You know what I’m going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman. … Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.”
As a woman, I would like to agree. Great advice, Jamie. What are you doing later? [GQ UK]
Meanwhile, here are eight other celebs talking about oral sex.
The world is made up of two types of people: spitters and swallowers. But the spitters and swallowers have at least one thing in common — they’re all tasters and sometimes, when you’re gettin’ down to business, well, things don’t taste so great. That’s where Masque comes in. Masque is “a revolutionary intimacy enhancement product that has been scientifically formulated to conceal the sometimes unpleasant flavors associated with oral sex on your man, and his subsequent climax.” In, heh, layman’s terms, it’s a paper-thin, gel strip — available in chocolate, strawberry, and watermelon! — that absorbs onto your tongue prior to giving head which then conceals the taste of your man’s spunk for 15 minutes. An after-dinner, pre-blow job amuse-bouche, you might call it. And that, we must admit, is something we’re going to have to try.