Dear Tofino,
It’s always a little awkward to admit these things, but I know I’ll regret it forever if I don’t, so here it is: I have a huge crush on you. Like, an actual crush. Not in the cute anthropomorphic way that some girls might pretend to be “crushing” on a cute purse. More like the way that crazy Korean guy had a crush on his pillow, and then he married it.
Let me explain. Keep reading »
Dear Justin Bieber’s Pants,
Sometimes I wonder what life must be like for you. I mean, just a few years ago you were making cameos in YouTube videos and today you’re probably the most famous pants in the world. All eyes are on you, and people are talking: “What style of pants is Justin wearing now?” “Who’s trying to get in his pants?” “Who wears the pants in his relationship?” “How does he get his pants to stay up?”
And that’s what I’d like to talk to you about: the whole “staying up” issue… Keep reading »
Dear Platform Shoes,
I have an issue that I need to resolve with you, but I want to do it in a sensitive and productive way so I’m going to try to use “I-statements.” Did you ever learn about “I-statements,” Platforms? According to my 7th grade health textbook, you can solve any problem by simply filling in the blanks to this sentence: “When you _______, I feel _______.” Example: “When you borrow my favorite sweater without asking, I feel sad.” Or maybe “When you talk about Justin Bieber, I feel old.”
So here it is, Platforms: When you are the only type of shoe available at every shoe store, I feel cheated out of my inalienable right to a wide variety of heels… Keep reading »
Dear Kate Middleton’s Hair,
I know it’s kind of awkward to write you a letter, because, well, you’re hair and I’m not even sure that you know how to read, but I really need to talk to you. I would have called, but I don’t know the number for your direct line.
Every time I see you, KMH, you look good. Not just good, but breathtakingly good. You are thick and lustrous and shiny and styled into artfully cascading curls. If there was a contest for Best Hair In The World, you would win it every day. Maybe the hair of Blake Lively or Beyonce or Zac Efron would challenge you every once in a while and the World Hair Judges would pretend to deliberate. But ultimately every other head of hair in the world is the Justin Guarini to your Kelly Clarkson–there’s just no contest. So here’s my question: how do you look that good all of the time? Keep reading »
Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Offered Me A Store Credit Card,
I don’t want a store credit card. I really don’t. I haven’t wanted any kind of credit card since I got my first one at age 18 and maxed it out in an eBay bidding war over a pair of limited edition purple Ugg boots. At the same time, I understand that selling store credit cards is an important part of your job, so I always try to validate your efforts. I nod and smile as you tell me about the benefits of a store credit card, and then I sigh and say something like, “Hmmm … maybe next time.”
And herein lies the problem… Keep reading »
