open letter - Page 4


Dear Chris,

Let’s have some real talk … I know you think you’ve been having a really bad week and everything, what with your totally unfair “Good Morning America” interview earlier this week, when you were asked by Robin Roberts about your life after Rihanna. You remember Rihanna, right? She was your girlfriend… READ MORE »


Dear Wedge Heels,

My whole life, I’ve wanted to be three things: “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” a writer, and the kind of person who wears high heels everyday. I’ve failed mightily on the first count, done pretty well on the second, and the third, well, that’s a bit more complicated… … READ MORE »


Dear Jeans Designers,

The other day I was standing in line at the grocery store and for no particular reason at all I had a flashback to a few years ago when super low-rise jeans were all the rage. Every rack at every store from Forever 21 to J.Jill was stocked with nothing but… READ MORE »

Love & Sex

Dear Single Self,

Hi. How are you this holiday season? Feeling a little hopeless? Downtrodden perhaps? Frustrated? Bitter? A little panicked about turning 32 with no potential prospects on the horizon? Feeling like a big, fat failure in the relationship department? Feeling like fate may have cheated you? I thought so. I’ve come with… READ MORE »


Dear Extra Button,

We have a strange relationship, you and I. You come into my life every now and again in a little plastic baggy attached to a new jacket, blouse, or cardigan. On the one hand, it’s so comforting to have you around, Button. It’s nice to know that if I were to… READ MORE »


Dear Famous Footwear,

We need to talk.

I feel like I’ve been trying to make things work with you for so long. My friends rave about you constantly: your great prices, your huge selections, your friendly employees. I watch them point proudly to their cute new shoes and I think, “If it… READ MORE »


Dear Michael Kors,

When I go shopping, I tend to channel a raccoon—I’m instantly attracted to anything shiny, sparkly, or fishy.

This means that I have a closet full of sequined miniskirts and silver boleros and earrings shaped like salmon fillets. I’ll go to the store with every intention of purchasing simple black… READ MORE »


Dear Demi and Ashton,

Congratulations on your fifth wedding anniversary, which you celebrated in bed on Friday. I know you celebrated your anniversary in bed on Friday because you tweeted a picture of the two of you cuddling between the sheets with the message “Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a… READ MORE »


Dear Jessica,

Happy belated birthday! I hope you’ve given some thought to my suggestions in the last letter I wrote to you. It seems perhaps you have since you’ve maintained a healthy weight over the last few months and haven’t yo-yo’d all over the scale. Personally, I think you look great with a little… READ MORE »


So, we love you. The adoration campaign began way back when you played the Reese Witherspoon mini-me in “Sweet Home Alabama.” Now that you’re 15 and all growns up (by the way, the smile looks great—we know, the braces phase is never fun), we wanted to pass along a few bits of advice on how… READ MORE »


Heya, Georgie, we hear congrats is in order—you’re shacking up with your newest girlfriend! Dude, you’re living the dream, you so are. Actually, hold up. Is she a cocktail waitress? And is this the waitress that you met in Vegas? Or the one that you met in South Beach? You certainly have a type, we’ll… READ MORE »


Hey dude!
Love your glasses! But seriously, you need to gain some weight back. I’m all for gettin’ heart healthy, cutting back on the trans-fats and the beer intake, but you’ve taken it too far. How do I know? Because with all the poundage, you’ve lost your ability to be funny. Your “Saturday Night Live” READ MORE »

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