open letter - Page 4

Dear Michael Kors, You Rock.

Dear Michael Kors,

When I go shopping, I tend to channel a raccoon—I’m instantly attracted to anything shiny, sparkly, or fishy.

This means that I have a closet full of sequined miniskirts and silver boleros and earrings shaped like salmon fillets. I’ll go to the store with every intention of purchasing simple black… More »


Open Letter To Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher

Dear Demi and Ashton,

Congratulations on your fifth wedding anniversary, which you celebrated in bed on Friday. I know you celebrated your anniversary in bed on Friday because you tweeted a picture of the two of you cuddling between the sheets with the message “Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a… More »


An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson And Other Women Who Can’t Go Three Months Without A Boyfriend

Dear Jessica,

Happy belated birthday! I hope you’ve given some thought to my suggestions in the last letter I wrote to you. It seems perhaps you have since you’ve maintained a healthy weight over the last few months and haven’t yo-yo’d all over the scale. Personally, I think you look great with a little… More »


An Open Letter To Dakota Fanning

So, we love you. The adoration campaign began way back when you played the Reese Witherspoon mini-me in “Sweet Home Alabama.” Now that you’re 15 and all growns up (by the way, the smile looks great—we know, the braces phase is never fun), we wanted to pass along a few bits of advice on how… More »


An Open Letter To George Clooney

Heya, Georgie, we hear congrats is in order—you’re shacking up with your newest girlfriend! Dude, you’re living the dream, you so are. Actually, hold up. Is she a cocktail waitress? And is this the waitress that you met in Vegas? Or the one that you met in South Beach? You certainly have a type, we’ll… More »


An Open Letter To Seth Rogen

Hey dude!
Love your glasses! But seriously, you need to gain some weight back. I’m all for gettin’ heart healthy, cutting back on the trans-fats and the beer intake, but you’ve taken it too far. How do I know? Because with all the poundage, you’ve lost your ability to be funny. Your “Saturday Night Live” More »


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