Tag Archives: open letter

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Called Me “Crazy”

Dating Red Flags
guys
These red flags should send you running. Read More »
Do Not Date These Guys
12 guys you shouldn't date this year. Read More »
Dating A Douche?
Thirteen signs that you're dating a douche. Read More »
mean crazy bitch photo

Dear Guy Who Seemed Cool On Our First Date But Freaked When I Said I Wanted To Take Sexual Stuff Slowly And Sent Me A Barrage Of Douchey Text Messages Which Culminated In Pronouncing Me “Crazy”,

I feel as if we have gotten off on the wrong foot.  Keep reading »

An Open Letter To The EducationConnection.com Commercial (Feat. Corn Dog Girl)

Dear Extra Button
Dear extra button, it's time I let you go. Read More »
Dear Chin Hair
An open letter to Winona's ever-reliable chin hair. Read More »
Dear Kate Middleton's Hair
Your constant perfection is kinda depressing. Read More »
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Dear Education Connection.com Commercial (feat. Corn Dog Girl) ,

How are you so bad, yet have managed to embed yourself so deeply in my consciousness? Sometimes I wake up singing you in the middle of the night. The only other commercial that’s ever affected me in this way was the IO Digital Cable campaign. I can still rap the number: 877-353-4448. I think I will go to my grave being able to rap the number. Jingles really stick with me, although they hardly ever encourage me to buy or use, which I believe is their intended purpose. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To My Abnormally Long Chin Hair

Dear Extra Button
Dear extra button, it's time I let you go. Read More »
My Picking Problem
How I gave myself a bald spot and other stories of life with dermatillomania. Read More »
Dear Kate Middleton's Hair
Your constant perfection is kinda depressing. Read More »

Dear Abnormally Long Chin Hair,

We’ve been intimately acquainted since I first noticed you my sophomore year of high school. I looked in the mirror one day before school and was horrified to find a thick whisker protruding from my chin. I might have cried.

Growing up, I’d watched my mom curse her Mediterranean genes as she plucked the dark hairs from around her mouth, and I’d seen similar whiskers dotted along the jawline of my 90-year-old great grandmother as she gnawed on Parmesan rinds in her favorite recliner by the fireplace. I thought you were an indicator of my destiny, so I plucked you and set the tweezers on the counter dejectedly. No use putting them away since I’d probably have a full beard tomorrow… Keep reading »

An Open Letter To The Woman Who Stole My Cab This Morning

Dear Woman With The Rolling Suitcase Who Stole My Cab This Morning,

Did you think I wouldn’t notice? That I wouldn’t see you roll past me, stop no more than eight feet in front of me, and raise your arm just like mine had been raised for 15 minutes? Did you think I was so involved in my text conversation with my friend Steve — about whether it’s possible/weird to poop with a baby in a Bjorn strapped to your chest — that I wouldn’t see you blatantly invading my taxi territory? I can think of no other explanation for the lack of subtlety you displayed in defying the laws of cab hailing. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To My G-Spot

Failure To Squirt
Should you feel bad if you can't squirt? Read More »
My G-Spot Orgasm
One writer talks about having a G-spot orgasm. Read More »

Dear G-Spot,

Gee G-Spot, you sure know how to disappoint a girl. First you exclaim your existence to the world. Then you hide as my fellow ladies are poked and prodded in search of you. One day you promise earth-shattering orgasms, the next you disappear without a trace. A recent review of over 100 studies into your existence has come to the conclusion that there is no proof of it. That you don’t exist. But I don’t think this is the last we’ll hear about you, g-spot. You’ll lay low awhile and then pop back up again, taunting us. Why do you continue to play these games with our emotions? Do you find it humorous that millions of us ladies spend days and nights pondering where you are? Keep reading »

An Open Letter To The Girl Who’s Auctioning Off Her Fart On Ebay

Pooping: A Feminist Issue
One writer talks about how pooping is a feminist issue. Read More »
Pooping Etiquette
10 bathroom rules that couples should abide by. Read More »

Dear kbug1978,

I am writing to express my admiration for the recent Ebay auction of your REAL Fart In A Jar. We all know what kind of havoc joining a gym and eating healthy food can wreak on one’s digestive system. Brussels sprouts and broccoli are particularly brutal on mine. Instead of keeping your “harsh smelling gas” a secret like most of us would, you decided to do something bold, something brave. You decided to “Sell That Shit” (as suggested by your brother upon smelling your gas). Keep reading »

An Open Letter To My Favorite Backstreet Boy On The Eve Of His Wedding Day

Open Letter
An open letter to the tabloids about "Teen Mom." Read More »

Dear AJ,

I guess I should start by saying congratulations. You’re getting married this weekend. To someone who isn’t me. Still, even I can admit you guys seem like a good match: you share a love of tattoos and heavy eyeliner. You sent out gothic style wedding invitations with your names written in a dripping blood font. I get that. It’s pretty cute.

Speaking of invitations, mine seems to have gotten lost in the mail. It’s probably for the best, because if I had been invited, at the moment the gothic priest said, “If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace,” I would have stood up and said this…

Keep reading »

An Open Letter To Timing

Dating Good Guys
boyfriend photo
Not every woman wants to date an a-hole. Read More »
Managing An LDR
How to deal with a long-distance relationship. Read More »
Doing An LDR?
Here are 7 tips you need to read! Read More »

Dear Timing,

Oh all powerful, all knowing Timing, why must you insist on being so wrong? I mean, sure, sometimes you are right, like the timing on the various dishes in my Thanksgiving feast, or the the timing of Melissa McCarthy’s one-liners in “Bridesmaids.” But those are examples of timing we can control; my beef is with you when I don’t have any. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To Ryan Gosling, Praising His Decision* To Turn Down People’s Sexiest Man Alive Title

Protest People!
Ryan Gosling was robbed! Read More »
Gosling Vs. Puppies
Where it all started... Read More »

Dear Ryan Gosling,

I just wanted to take a moment to say that I think it’s really noble of you to turn down People‘s “Sexiest Man Alive” title and let Bradley Cooper have the so-called “honor.” I mean, I can only assume that’s what happened because after a year in which you starred in three big movies (“Crazy Stupid Love,” “Drive,” and “Ides of March”), stopped a street fight over a painting, and inspired numerous internet memes, it just wouldn’t make sense to bestow the title on anyone else. Sure, People will probably deny what really went down, but I know the truth. Keep reading »

An Open Letter to My Razor

Open Letter
justin biebers pants photo
An open letter to Justin Bieber's pants. Read More »
Open Letter To Gaga
An open letter to Lady Gaga about Luc Carl. Read More »

Dear Razor,

We go back a long way, you and me. We’ve gotten together a few times a week since 8th grade, although according to some of the girls in my class I should have become acquainted with you at least a year earlier. On the whole, our relationship has been delightfully smooth (see what I did there?), but there’s something we need to discuss, something that hasn’t changed in the past 13 years and is making it hard for me to trust you… Keep reading »

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