open letter - Page 3

An Open Letter To The EducationConnection.com Commercial (Feat. Corn Dog Girl)

Dear Education Connection.com Commercial (feat. Corn Dog Girl) ,

How are you so bad, yet have managed to embed yourself so deeply in my consciousness? Sometimes I wake up singing you in the middle of the night. The only other commercial that’s ever affected me in this way was the IO Digital CableMore »


An Open Letter To My Abnormally Long Chin Hair

Dear Abnormally Long Chin Hair,

We’ve been intimately acquainted since I first noticed you my sophomore year of high school. I looked in the mirror one day before school and was horrified to find a thick whisker protruding from my chin. I might have cried.

Growing up, I’d watched my mom… More »


An Open Letter To The Woman Who Stole My Cab This Morning

Dear Woman With The Rolling Suitcase Who Stole My Cab This Morning,

Did you think I wouldn’t notice? That I wouldn’t see you roll past me, stop no more than eight feet in front of me, and raise your arm just like mine had been raised for 15 minutes? Did you think I… More »


An Open Letter To My G-Spot

Dear G-Spot,

Gee G-Spot, you sure know how to disappoint a girl. First you exclaim your existence to the world. Then you hide as my fellow ladies are poked and prodded in search of you. One day you promise earth-shattering orgasms, the next you disappear without a trace. A recent review of overMore »


An Open Letter To The Girl Who’s Auctioning Off Her Fart On Ebay

Dear kbug1978,

I am writing to express my admiration for the recent Ebay auction of your REAL Fart In A Jar. We all know what kind of havoc joining a gym and eating healthy food can wreak on one’s digestive system. Brussels sprouts and broccoli are particularly brutal on mine. Instead of keeping… More »


An Open Letter To My Favorite Backstreet Boy On The Eve Of His Wedding Day

Dear AJ,

I guess I should start by saying congratulations. You’re getting married this weekend. To someone who isn’t me. Still, even I can admit you guys seem like a good match: you share a love of tattoos and heavy eyeliner. You sent out gothic style wedding invitations with your names written in… More »


An Open Letter To Timing

Dear Timing,

Oh all powerful, all knowing Timing, why must you insist on being so wrong? I mean, sure, sometimes you are right, like the timing on the various dishes in my Thanksgiving feast, or the the timing of Melissa McCarthy’s one-liners in “Bridesmaids.” But those are examples of timing we can control; my beef is… More »


An Open Letter To Ryan Gosling, Praising His Decision* To Turn Down People’s Sexiest Man Alive Title

Dear Ryan Gosling,

I just wanted to take a moment to say that I think it’s really noble of you to turn down People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” title and let Bradley Cooper have the so-called “honor.” I mean, I can only assume that’s what happened because after a year in which you starred in… More »


An Open Letter to My Razor

Dear Razor,

We go back a long way, you and me. We’ve gotten together a few times a week since 8th grade, although according to some of the girls in my class I should have become acquainted with you at least a year earlier. On the whole, our relationship has been delightfully smooth… More »


An Open Letter To In Touch Magazine About Their Dumb Shiloh/Kingston Crush Story

Dear In Touch,

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt does not have a crush on Kingston Rossdale.  He is not her “first true love.” She is 5 years old. Shiloh is interested in taxidermy and being called “John” and engaging in sword play. She’s basically a little mini-bad ass. Kingston, when he’s not flipping off the paparazzi and… More »


An Open Letter To Ryan Gosling And His New Bleached Locks

Dear Ryan Gosling,

Oh Ryan, you’re so funny. You know, I know what you’re doing, right? Sure, you may be telling people that this new look is for a movie, something called “The Place Behind The Pines” that I will obviously see 10 times. But I know you’re really just trying to look… More »


An Open Letter To Girls Who Say “Daddy”

Note: Let me first start by saying this excludes anyone 8 and younger and for now we are not going to even start with the girls who call their boyfriends “Daddy.” Right now, I’m looking at the 16+ crowd who still, for some really weird reason, need to call their fathers “Daaaadddddddy.” Ladies, this isMore »


An Open Letter To Spray-On Sunscreen

Dear Spray-On Sunscreen,

Can you believe it? Summer has finally arrived! Just in time for Memorial Day weekend, the temps reached the 80s, the sun was shining bright and full, and I spent the daylight hours worshipping in its glory. Because I am serious about protecting my precious skin from harmful UV rays,… More »


An Open Letter To Orange

Dear Orange,

I feel like you and I got off on the wrong foot. Or, at least we would have, if you had feet. You’re just a color so that wasn’t really the correct phrase to use. But here’s the thing… … More »


An Open Letter To Chris Brown

Dear Chris,

Let’s have some real talk … I know you think you’ve been having a really bad week and everything, what with your totally unfair “Good Morning America” interview earlier this week, when you were asked by Robin Roberts about your life after Rihanna. You remember Rihanna, right? She was your girlfriend… More »


An Open Letter To Wedge Heels

Dear Wedge Heels,

My whole life, I’ve wanted to be three things: “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” a writer, and the kind of person who wears high heels everyday. I’ve failed mightily on the first count, done pretty well on the second, and the third, well, that’s a bit more complicated… … More »


An Open Letter To Denim Designers

Dear Jeans Designers,

The other day I was standing in line at the grocery store and for no particular reason at all I had a flashback to a few years ago when super low-rise jeans were all the rage. Every rack at every store from Forever 21 to J.Jill was stocked with nothing but… More »


An Open Letter To My Single Self

Dear Single Self,

Hi. How are you this holiday season? Feeling a little hopeless? Downtrodden perhaps? Frustrated? Bitter? A little panicked about turning 32 with no potential prospects on the horizon? Feeling like a big, fat failure in the relationship department? Feeling like fate may have cheated you? I thought so. I’ve come with… More »


An Open Letter To The Extra Button

Dear Extra Button,

We have a strange relationship, you and I. You come into my life every now and again in a little plastic baggy attached to a new jacket, blouse, or cardigan. On the one hand, it’s so comforting to have you around, Button. It’s nice to know that if I were to… More »


Dear Famous Footwear, We Need To Talk.

Dear Famous Footwear,

We need to talk.

I feel like I’ve been trying to make things work with you for so long. My friends rave about you constantly: your great prices, your huge selections, your friendly employees. I watch them point proudly to their cute new shoes and I think, “If it… More »