Dear Couple Sucking Face,
The first time I saw you, in Manhattan’s Union Square station, I thought maybe you were saying goodbye, for like, a long time. How else to explain the five minutes of intense, face-sucking, ass-grabbing making out you two were getting into? As you stood there, right where the station splits off between the N, R and L trains, hundreds of commuters strode by, many of them transfixed by your tongues darting in and out of each other’s mouths. I stopped and watched for a second, too, concocting a fictional back story for the strange configuration in front of me. He worked in finance, and was heading down to Wall Street to trade some futures or something. She’d been visiting from out of town, flying back to her home in Minneapolis, to a soul-sucking job as an insurance adjuster. This makeout session was the culmination of five days of total bliss, sealed with promises to return as soon as possible.
But oh, I was so wrong about you two. Keep reading »
Dear Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries,
I used to see your brand walk up and down the halls of my high school way back in the day. Before I really even knew who you were, there you were — in the form of jeans, shirts and other fashion statements of the late ’90s. At the time, I thought I hated you for the simple reason that the popular kids seemed to have a monopoly on you, and in my mind, popular was synonymous with evil. But, I’m older and wiser now, and know it’s not the popular kids that I loathe.
It’s your “you’re not good enough” mentality. Keep reading »
Dear Tori Spelling,
I try to ignore it whenever I see gossip stories about you. Why? Because you’re doin’ you and I’m doin’ me and what you do when you’re doin’ you is none of my biz. Usually this arrangement works just fine for you and me. But then yesterday, I got curious and watched a Vine video you posted on Twitter titled “This is how we sleep.”
It was a clever caption. It would engage even the most disinterested web surfer such as myself. I wish I never clicked on it. It made me feel deeply uncomfie, first and foremost, because I don’t want to see your husband naked in bed making sexy eyes at you. Ick. Weird. Then it pans to your sleeping dog and kids. Ok. Whatever. A lot of peeps sleep with their dogs and kids. I’m not judging.
The thing that made me regret watching your vid was the FUCKING CHICKEN IN YOUR BED. Tori, No. I know that you’ve been a celebrity your whole life, and you grew up with a warped sense of reality, but you must know that having a chicken in your bed is FUCKING GROSS. Keep reading »
Last night, Jay-Z went into the studio with Timbaland and Swizz Beatz and recorded a new song that he released a few hours later. “Open Letter” has a relatively simple, but completely hot beat and features Hov rapping about his ownership of the Brooklyn Nets and he and Beyonce’s recent controversial trip to Cuba.
“Boy from the hood but got White House clearance / Sorry y’all, I don’t agree with y’all appearance / Politicians never did shit for me / Except lie to me, distort history / Wanna give me jail time and a fine / Fine, let me commit a real crime.”
Hot 97 played the track over and over and over again this morning and I gotta tell you, I didn’t mind the break from Kendrick Lamar and the latest Rihanna track. When Jay’s on the radio, y’all gon learn today! Listen below! [Hot 97]
Thank. GOD. Where have you been? I have been waiting for the longest time to see you again, and I don’t know what you were doing or where you were at, but I am so so very glad you’re back.
Two months. Is there any good reason you were gone for two months? Your return has been sheepish; I sense that you were away for a good reason, but alas, your elusive nature guarantees that I’l never know why. I’m not sure what I did to make you leave for so long, but let me tell you, I am so relieved — and happy! — to see you again. Keep reading »
I read about how you’ve been suspended from school 24 times this year because of your “foul” body odor. Your mom claims she took you to the doctor and they said there was nothing medically wrong with you, but still the school continues to send you home about twice a month. Students and teachers have complained about your smell and said that it’s so strong that they can’t concentrate on school activities when you’re around. A spokesman at the school district says that your odor is so overpowering that you will have to be removed from the school until your family complies with hygiene standards. Keep reading »