Tag Archives: open letter

An Open Letter To The Man Who Sent Me Unsolicited D**k Pics,

Why Men Send Dick Pics
Mind Of Man: Why Men Send Pictures Of Their Penises
John DeVore explains why men send pictures of their penises. Read More »
Smallest Penis Award
Nick Gilronan won the title of "Smallest Penis In Brooklyn"
This man is small and proud. Read More »
Unwanted Dick pics to mom
Trevor and Sarah dick pic
Woman sends a guy's unsolicited dick pics to his mother. Read More »
Long Vs. Short Penises
The pros and cons of long and short penises. Read More »

Dear I’m Too Kind To Use Your Real Name,

I am writing this letter because I’m hoping I can prevent you from ever sending another unsolicited picture of your naked penis to another human being again for the rest of your life. When I clicked on an email in my inbox with the subject line “need some advice,” I wasn’t expecting to see FOUR pictures of a stranger’s penis. I get a fair number of emails from readers and sometimes they want advice (not that I’m qualified to give any), and so I had no reason to believe that your email would be so wildly inappropriate.

In your email, you asked me for advice about products to make your penis larger. You complained that it’s “quite short” and “very skinny” and that when it gets erect it only gets slightly bigger and not much thicker. And then, anonymous dick pic sender, you gave me measurements. Measurements! I mean, really?

After I picked my jaw up off the floor — I didn’t want my face to remain in Exasperated Snarl Expression for the rest of my life — my attention was drawn to perhaps the most puzzling line in your email: ” I was going to send you pictures of when I have an erection but it is quite embarrassing,” you wrote. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To The Couple Conspiculously Making Out On The Subway All The Time

First Kisses Women Fear
The seven kinds of first kisses all women fear. Read More »
Kissing Facts
Some fun facts about kissing! Read More »
Subway BJs
subway blowjob
Nooo! Not on the subway!! Read More »
How NOT To Kiss
The worst smooches ever. Read More »

Dear Couple Sucking Face,

The first time I saw you, in Manhattan’s Union Square station, I thought maybe you were saying goodbye, for like, a long time. How else to explain the five minutes of intense, face-sucking, ass-grabbing making out you two were getting into? As you stood there, right where the station splits off between the N, R and L trains, hundreds of commuters strode by, many of them transfixed by your tongues darting in and out of each other’s mouths. I stopped and watched for a second, too, concocting a fictional back story for the strange configuration in front of me. He worked in finance, and was heading down to Wall Street to trade some futures or something. She’d been visiting from out of town, flying back to her home in Minneapolis, to a soul-sucking job as an insurance adjuster. This makeout session was the culmination of five days of total bliss, sealed with promises to return as soon as possible.

But oh, I was so wrong about you two. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To Abercrombie & Fitch’s CEO Mike Jeffries

Open Letter To The Fat Girl
Winona pens an open letter to the fat girl. Read More »
Fat Shaming Controversy
Erica Watson Love That Girl
TV show should be ashamed of their fat-shaming. Read More »
Weight Talk
One writer is sick of talking to women about weight. Read More »
Abercrombie & Fitch Ad

Dear Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries,

I used to see your brand walk up and down the halls of my high school way back in the day. Before I really even knew who you were, there you were — in the form of jeans, shirts and other fashion statements of the late ’90s. At the time, I thought I hated you for the simple reason that the popular kids seemed to have a monopoly on you, and in my mind, popular was synonymous with evil. But, I’m older and wiser now, and know it’s not the popular kids that I loathe.

It’s your “you’re not good enough” mentality. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To Tori Spelling And The Chicken That Sleeps In Her Bed

Tori Boob Tweet
Tori Spelling boobs on Twitter
Oops! Tori Spelling's husband tweeted a pic of her boob. Read More »
Tori's Pig
Tori has a pet pig. Read More »
Tori & Farrah's Ghost?
Tori Spelling claims to have communed with the ghost of Farrah Fawcett. Read More »

Dear Tori Spelling,

I try to ignore it whenever I see gossip stories about you. Why? Because you’re doin’ you and I’m doin’ me and what you do when you’re doin’ you is none of my biz. Usually this arrangement works just fine for you and me. But then yesterday, I got curious and watched a Vine video you posted on Twitter titled “This is how we sleep.”

It was a clever caption. It would engage even the most disinterested web surfer such as myself. I wish I never clicked on it. It made me feel deeply uncomfie, first and foremost, because I don’t want to see your husband naked in bed making sexy eyes at you. Ick. Weird. Then it pans to your sleeping dog and kids. Ok. Whatever. A lot of peeps sleep with their dogs and kids. I’m not judging.

The thing that made me regret watching your vid was the FUCKING CHICKEN IN YOUR BED. Tori, No. I know that you’ve been a celebrity your whole life, and you grew up with a warped sense of reality, but you must know that having a chicken in your bed is FUCKING GROSS. Keep reading »

Jay-Z Drops New Track, “Open Letter,” Addressing Critics Of Cuba Trip

Last night, Jay-Z went into the studio with Timbaland and Swizz Beatz and recorded a new song that he released a few hours later. “Open Letter” has a relatively simple, but completely hot beat and features Hov rapping about his ownership of the Brooklyn Nets and he and Beyonce’s recent controversial trip to Cuba.

“Boy from the hood but got White House clearance / Sorry y’all, I don’t agree with y’all appearance / Politicians never did shit for me / Except lie to me, distort history / Wanna give me jail time and a fine / Fine, let me commit a real crime.”

Hot 97 played the track over and over and over again this morning and I gotta tell you, I didn’t mind the break from Kendrick Lamar and the latest Rihanna track. When Jay’s on the radio, y’all gon learn today! Listen below! [Hot 97]

An Open Letter To My Period On The Occasion Of Its Return After A Curiously Long Absence

Late Period?
Don't panic. There are other possible reasons besides being pregnant. Read More »
My Period Is Early
angry woman period
An open letter to Jessica's period on the occasion of coming early. Read More »
Period Panties
The 5 types of period panties. Read More »

Dear Period,

Thank. GOD. Where have you been? I have been waiting for the longest time to see you again, and I don’t know what you were doing or where you were at, but I am so so very glad you’re back.

Two months. Is there any good reason you were gone for two months? Your return has been sheepish; I sense that you were away for a good reason, but alas, your elusive nature guarantees that I’l never know why. I’m not sure what I did to make you leave for so long, but let me tell you, I am so relieved — and happy! — to see you again. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To The Girl Who Was Suspended From School 24 Times For Smelling Bad

Open Letter: Fat Girl
Winona pens an open letter to the fat girl. Read More »
Open Letter: Pigeon
Ami confronts the pigeon who pooped on her head. Read More »
Open Letter: Chin Hair
I pluck you, you grow back, will it ever end? Read More »

Dear 8-year-old-girl,

I read about how you’ve been suspended from school 24 times this year because of your “foul” body odor. Your mom claims she took you to the doctor and they said there was nothing medically wrong with you, but still the school continues to send you home about twice a month. Students and teachers have complained about your smell and said that it’s so strong that they can’t concentrate on school activities when you’re around. A spokesman at the school district says that your odor is so overpowering that you will have to be removed from the school until your family complies with hygiene standards. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To My Doppelganger

Celeb Doppelgangers
My brother looks like RDJ. Who's yours? Read More »
Open Letter: Baja Hoodie
Winona writes to the stranger who took the free Baja hoodie. Read More »
Open Letter: Pigeon
Ami has something to say to the pigeon who pooped on her head. Read More »
Open Letter: Chin Hair
I pluck you, you grow back, will it ever end? Read More »

Dear Doppelganger,

A few weeks ago, I was taking a walk by my house and a random lady started yelling, “Jenny! Jennnnnyyyyyy!” from her porch. I looked around to find this Jenny character she was getting so excited about, but I was the only one on the street. “Jeeeeeeeeeenny!” she yelled again, waving her hands madly to get my attention. I just shrugged and shook my head in what I hoped was an “I’m not Jenny” sort of way, and kept walking. Huh, I thought, that was weird.

Then, at the airport last week, I noticed a middle-aged couple staring at me intently from across the terminal. I sidled up a little closer, leaning against a decorative plant to improve my eavesdropping abilities. I heard the woman say to the man, “That looks EXACTLY like Jenny.” He squinted at me for a second. “Oh my God,” he whispered. “It does!” My plane started boarding before I could ask them what has suddenly become the definitive question of my life: Who is Jenny? Keep reading »

A Valentine’s Day Love Letter To My Favorite Hip-Hop Morning Radio Show

Love Letter: Yoga Teacher
Ami pens a love letter to her hot yoga teacher. Read More »
Love Letter: Starbucks
A love letter to the the baristas who get Jessica's order right. Read More »
Hell Yeah, I Love You!
Hell yeah, I love you! Getting love is easy this Valentine's Day. Read More »

Dear Cipha Sounds, Rosenberg, K. Foxx and Old Man Ebro,

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 7 a.m., rousing me from sleep. I hit the snooze button, and then 10 minutes later, hit it again. When the third alarm finally goes off at 7:20, I pry one eye open, then the other, and haul myself out of bed, heading straight for the radio. See, my day doesn’t properly start, doesn’t get off on the right foot, unless the second sound I hear (after the alarm) is my favorite morning radio show, The Cipha Sounds & Rosenberg Show on Hot 97. Cipha Sounds, Rosenberg, and K. Foxx, along with my boo, program director Old Man Ebro, you all are quite literally the reason my ass gets out of bed on time in the morning, and you ensure that my day at least starts off on the right note.

Seriously, I fucking love you guys. Let me tell you why. Keep reading »

An Open Letter To All The Publicists Sending Me Stuff For Valentine’s Day

Open Letter: Chin Hair
I pluck you, you grow back, will it ever end? Read More »
Open Letter: Pigeon
Ami has something to say to the pigeon who pooped on her head. Read More »
Open Letter: Fat Girl
Winona pens an open letter to the fat girl. Read More »

Dear Publicists,

Hello. I get soooo many emails from you. Sooooo many emails that go straight into the trash. Especially around holidays that are considered very Frisky friendly. Valentine’s Day! Yes, I’m well aware that it’s right around the corner, waving at me. Mocking me. I know that it’s your job to pitch products on behalf of your clients. Lots of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Stuff that I would never use or care about or write about. But still, you send it. Sometimes, every once in a while, that stuff is GREAT. So, thank you. That pair of jeans that Pacific Sun sent are one of my favorites! And the “Girls” branded Klean Kanteen water bottle is the Christmas present I wanted but didn’t receive.

The rest of the stuff … not so much. I have 12 male masturbators and a stack of New Age love and sex books (titles including Spiritual Lovemaking, Beyond Soul Mates, and I Saw Your Future And He’s Not It) taking up space at my desk. I’m hard pressed to throw out a book, but what do I do with it? I’ve been opening up to pages at random and reading passages to my co-workers. Keep reading »

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