Finding love in this post-Friendster era isn’t easy. Just ask 68-year-old University of North Carolina physics and astronomy professor Paul Frampton, who was recently sentenced to five years of house arrest for transporting a suitcase full of cocaine out of Buenos Aires, Argentina, and into the United States.
What compelled the Oxford-educated scholar to freelance as a drug mule? Well, Frampton was under the impression that this valise full of toot belonged to his online girlfriend, one Denise Milani, who in reality is a bikini model who may or may not hail from some undiscovered Toontown where Rob Liefeld was elected mayor. Frampton believed that if he smuggled the drugs, he would be able to retire to a small cabin located two ticks north of Ms. Milani’s solar plexus.
But when Frampton traveled to Bolivia to meet Milani earlier this year, he was not greeted by his new girlfriend/the letter “P” made human flesh, but by a strange man and an even stranger suitcase (their respective cup sizes went unreported by mainstream media). Read more…
Last night, I did something I thought I’d never do again, especially not on a random Monday evening: I reactivated my online dating profile.
I looked at the description of myself I wrote the last time I was single. I looked at the photos that I had thought best represented myself. I checked my months-old messages. I read the new messages that came in as my account had been re-activiated again. And all the while I thought, Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, what are you doing?
This morning, I deactivated it again. You see, I think I had just wanted instant gratification. Keep reading »
Rare is the woman whose adventures in dating — scratch that, in living — have kept her from a brush with a pickup artist. I guess I’ve got the equivalent of pickup artist herpes because I actually dated one. Well, a former one. Keep reading »
Are most things in your house covered in fur? Do you have intense personal conversations with your cats? Are you single? Then maybe you should try the Purrsonals, an online dating service specifically for cat obsessives. As you might imagine, there’s way more women on this than dudes, but what kind of guys can you find on Purrsonals? Well, one user is looking for “a Special Lady for a serious and long lasting relationship or more.” Another says, “I have two gorgeous calicos already. But now I’m looking for a girl who can speak my language to cuddle with at night.” And then there’s this guy:
I like cats. I love cats. Cats Cats Cats. I like to lick cats. I like to breath cats. I like cats with no tails cause the way there butt wiggles.
And don’t worry — you’re more of a dog person (for some reason), there’s always Dog Lovers Personals.
I am a woman 33 years of age who practices safe sex. But it wasn’t always that way. As a woman of 19, 20 and 21, I was in no uncertain terms an idiot where safe sex was concerned. Sometimes I forced a guy to wear a condom, sometimes I didn’t.
But that all changed when I hit 22.For it was at this stage that I that I met a man in a bar, went home with him, had sex with him. And not just any man. This man was drummed up in a dive bar. He was covered in tattoos, and I’m quite sure his continued trips to the bathroom were cocaine-related. When we got back to his place I quickly discovered that he owned a pet iguana, a leathery little thing named Juan who he allowed to roam free around his East Village bedroom. I had condom-less sex with this gentleman, and spent the whole of the next day convinced his myriad STIs were coursing through my system.
Now: I know you can’t judge a book by its cover. I know that just because a man is covered in tattoos and owns a pet iguana and has a whiff of the cocaine addict about him, that doesn’t mean that he’s got chlamydia. BUT … Keep reading »
Happy National Unmarried and Single Americans Week! It’s a real holiday. Yes, it is! It’s a week for singles and unmarrieds to celebrate themselves, to flaunt their status and feel superior to all the coupleds and marrieds. Or something like that. I’m not sure. It’s been National Singles Week for me for the better part of seven years and I’ve never felt superior. Well, maybe a few times. Keep reading »
Mentions morals he inherited from his grandfather in first five sentences. Even if your grandfather is dead, it is still very unsexy to mention that basically you don’t believe in women’s rights and think that Russia is planning the downfall of the American empire. Everyone knows it’s China.
Three references to finding an “*HONEST*” woman in the same profile. There can be two interpretations of this. Either you always hook up with women who lie and cheat, which means you probably lie and cheat yourself, or you’ve convinced yourself that every woman who ever dumped or rejected you had alternate motivations besides the fact that they just didn’t like you. Read more…
Um. I heard Paris and eligible bachelors. I don’t really need to hear anything further. But I’m still listening. The Adopt-A-Guy Boutique is a “high-end shopping experience for women searching for Mr. Right” located on Rue de La Bonheur (Street of Happiness) in Paris. How very fitting. Keep reading »
A missing 13-year-old girl has been found safe, though 700 miles away from home. It turns out the Texas teen had gotten into an argument with her parents about a boy she met online via Xbox and decided to run away. She snuck out her bedroom window, swiped her brother’s car, and set out for Kentucky to meet up with her 12-year-old beau, reports the Houston Chronicle. Read more…
After a four year hiatus from online dating, for a number of reasons, I was ready to give it a shot again. The most important being: I think you get out of things what you put into them, and my love life … well, let’s just say my effort level has been minimal at best. The last online date I went on –four years ago — ended with me running. Literally. I had to run from the restaurant after the guy told me he was under federal investigation and thought that it was a woman’s job to change diapers. So you can imagine how anxious I was to venture into the virtual dating world again.
I was beyond relieved when I saw T* sitting there at the wine bar, looking better than he did in his online profile. I exhaled as I took in his nerdy glasses, his nice smile. I was excited when I found out that we actually had stuff to talk about –our similar career paths, our love of The Smiths. I was thrilled when we made plans to go on a bike ride for our second date. I had recently gotten a bicycle and was looking forward to riding it.
This was going better than I ever could have hoped. Online dating … onward ho! Keep reading »