When Miaya Smith and Saint Ramirez Jr. got married in a small ceremony at a Nebraska park, they were excited about it. Like, really excited. Like, really excited in their pants. So they did what any blissful, horny newlywed couple would have done: they ducked behind a tree in full view of their wedding guests, a public pool, and a playground, and started humping. When three teenagers alerted a police officer to the public sexytimes (sidenote: most virtuous teenagers ever), the officer pulled his patrol car up right next to the copulating couple, but even the presence of the po-po couldn’t dampen their amour. “Miaya had her pants off and her buttocks exposed [and she] was moving in an up-and-down motion on Saint,” the officer wrote in his report. He had to order the couple to stop having sex three times to convince Miaya to dismount her new hubby, before finally arresting them and hauling them off to spend their honeymoon in jail. Say it with me now: aw, young love! [Daily Mail]
On Sunday, Patrick and I celebrated our six-month wedding anniversary by watching nearly seven hours of what Netflix claims are “Halloween favorites” and eating a delicious homemade caprese salad, as Patrick decided that six months is the “caprese anniversary.” No doubt he has some culinary deliciousness planned in six more months.
How has my life changed since April 21, 2012? In some ways, not at all. In other ways … not a lot. In still more ways? Not much. In fact, the manifestations of marriage in my day-to-day life are almost negligible, and perhaps because Patrick and I already lived together and wanted to be with each other forever before we decided to put a piece of paper on it. But also perhaps because, after you spend months planning the hoopla of a wedding — even a small one, even an inexpensive one, like ours was — almost anything would seem banal in comparison. Keep reading »
I was never that woman who dreamt of having many children or starting my own “Brady Bunch.” Babies, little booties, and bottles were always an afterthought to enjoying a successful career, one peppered with travelling the world and enjoying a range of other adult activities a childless, flexible lifestyle could provide. However, after my husband Jason was diagnosed with leukemia and underwent a bone marrow transplant (which I wrote about here), it would be an understatement to say that my priorities and narrow definition of family underwent a fundamental revolution. One year post-cancer, I began to dwell on the thought of living and dying without a family of my own.
Cancer had forced mortality to become an issue that often occupied my thoughts during sleepless nights or long car rides, and in my worst nightmare, I became the modern antagonist of some sort of widowed cat lady fairy tale. I imagined myself an old hag with cracked skin in a big castle, hoarding treasure and cackling wildly all by myself, full of bitterness and regret over my own solitude. The adult lifestyle that once felt so plush suddenly transformed into a thorny horror story, and Jason and I decided to try IVF. Keep reading »
Well, I’ve finally sobered up some from our honeymoon — real talk, y’all, I remember writing just about 10 percent of last week’s column. And now I know that there’s nothing like a honeymoon in Hawaii to remind you that you are the most boring, normal person in the whole married world, because literally everyone in Hawaii is on their honeymoon, with zero exceptions.
Seriously, the people on our sunset catamaran cruise off the Big Island coast (thanks, parental units, for footing the bill!) got kind of pissed when the booze-distributing cruise-masters forgot to toast people who were honeymooning. Keep reading »
Starring Edward Burns and Caitlin Fitzgerlad
Do relationships thrive on total honesty and communication? Or do omissions and little white lies keep hurt feelings at bay and love burning strong?
These are the questions posed in “Newlyweds,” a new film written, directed and starring Edward Burns. Burns and Caitlin Fitzgerald (“It’s Complicated”) play Buzzy and Katie, a newly-married couple in New York City whose bond is tested as relationships unravel around them. It’s the second marriage for both; instead of a long, drawn-out courtship, the couple married quickly, and due to their busy work schedules, they seldom see each other. Sound like red flags? They don’t think so. Buzzy and Katie say that not knowing too much about each other or not spending all their time together is what keep things fresh. When Katie’s sister Marsha suddenly splits from her longtime husband, and when Edward’s younger sister Linda drops by unannounced from L.A., it only seems to prove their point. That is, until competing loyalties to their family members make both Buzzy and Katie wonder how well they know the person they’ve just married. Keep reading »
When I married Jason on August 7, 2010, the same day as his 29th birthday, we didn’t feel that marriage would change our relationship dramatically. After five years of dating, we were true partners-in-crime who had traveled the world together, raised two small dogs as though they were our children, and enjoyed daily debriefing sessions involving beers and work dramas we called “Power Hours.” Classifying us as genuine best friends would be an understatement. However, when Jason was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) on April 2, 2011, our world and our relationship was flipped upside-down. Everything changed — and I don’t just mean the obvious cancer hurdle. Striving to feel like a normal newlywed couple was, and still is, the most difficult challenge. Keep reading »