Good job, stupid Twilighters. Your insanity has made Robert Pattinson hate NYC and all its women. While shooting “Remember Me” in Manhattan, the heartthrob has been bombarded by desperate, love-starved tweens hoping to cop a feel. They are so bad that Pattinson’s “Remember Me” costars are worried. First there was that whole running-away-from-fans-and-getting-hit-by-a-cab incident. They also say he has lost a lot of weight and is miserable. He’s had to hotel hop so that his obnox fans won’t find out where he’s staying. R-Patz refuses to even look up any more for fear of egging on his wacko fans.

Justin Timberlake takes girlfriend Jessica Biel out for a run along the Hudson River in New York City. Seriously, Jess chases him around like it’s her career. That girl needs to back off my man and get a real job. [NYC, 4/30/09]

In a town where assistants drop a paycheck on a pair of shoes and it’s par for the course to window browse after Sunday brunch, New York caters to shoppers who mean business. Whether you’re looking for one-stop department stores, quirky boutiques, or sleek design shops, we’ve got you covered. Here are our favorite places in the Big Apple to spend in style.

New York City is hoping people will forget Vegas and start getting married in the Big Apple. On Monday, a new 24,000-square-foot space opens, complete with photo walls for taking pictures, video screens to monitor wait times, wedding chapels with gauzy curtains and painted murals, and a shop selling fresh flowers, disposable cameras, and fake diamond rings for $9. The new space was designed by Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s favorite decorator, Jamie Drake, who worked on his Upper East Side town house. “We want to be the wedding destination of the world,” said Deputy Mayor Patti Harris. This goal is not unreasonable. In 2008, NYC issued nearly 70,000 marriage licenses, while Clark County, where Las Vegas is located, issued 95,888. Since I’ve never been married or anything, I was kind of shocked to find out it costs just $35 to get a marriage license in New York, and having your ceremony at the new Marriage Bureau is $25 extra. The memories? They’re priceless, of course. [HuffPo]

On the cover of today’s free paper AM New York is a hard-hitting headline about how the New York City Department of Health found that…wait for it… binge drinking leads to sex. Puh-lease, after ZERO drinks I’ll do the nasty! Plus, if that was all it took to get laid, I’d get hammered in morning, I’d get hammered in the evening, I’d get hammered all over this land!  According to the Health Department’s report, if you have more than five drinks in one sitting, at least once a month, you’re a big slutty drunky-drunk. [Oops. Oops again. Oops.—Editor] And by slutty, the study means you have had two to four partners a year. Whore! 

As I’ve come to learn, dating in New York City isn’t…well…dating. At least what you think of traditionally in terms of the word. There isn’t a whole lot of that good, wholesome stuff you see on TV or in the movies. Oftentimes, he doesn’t call and ask to take you out to dinner, nor does he pick you up, or follow-up after the requisite three days (even if he really likes you). And, as I’ve found out the hard way, more often than not, girls pay their own way.

If you’re really into your parts down there, you should make plans to attend the second annual Vagina Festival, October 24-26 in Times Square, New York City. For three days this fall, you’ll be able to watch performances and view art dealing with the “unabashed exploration of the plain, ordinary, mysterious matter of vaginas.” The deadline for participants just passed, so check their website for updates on who will be speaking, performing, and displaying their lady parts…er, art. [Vagina Festival]

The year’s favorite love story has come to an end. The 21-year-old New Yorker who posted a drawing of a girl he saw on the subway on NYGirlOfMyDreams.com is no longer with his dream girl. Apparently Patrick Moberg and Camille Hayton broke up just two months after they got together last fall. “I think the situation was so intense that it bonded us, bonded us in a way that you could mistake, I guess, for being more romantic than it was,” Camille told The Daily Telegraph in Australia. “I don’t know. But I wanted to give it a go so I didn’t wonder what if, what if?” Does this mean the movie adaptation of their story is going to have a downer of an ending, too? [Reuters]

While any woman who has ever ridden public transportation most likely has a story about some jerk who copped a feel or a shifty-eyed loser who made her switch cars, almost none of us come forward to complain about the creep.  So back in March, Boston launched a campaign to bust pervs on public transportation. Working with the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, they posted subway ads encouraging woman to tell the authorities when they experience unwanted sexual advances on public transit and even policewomen went under cover to catch the cretins. Thanks to their efforts, Bostonians have begun to take action too and there has been a spike in reported cases.  Mission accomplished!  New York was supposed to following in their footsteps to curb a similar sexual harassment problem in the city, but before the ads were even posted, they were pulled. 

Young people don’t always do act with the hormones as opposed to their brain, and a study by the New York City health department is evidence. Apparently 40 percent of New Yorkers with multiple sex partners didn’t use a condom the last time they had sex, according to a poll of 10,000 adults in the city. This in a city where bowls full of condoms are readily available at many bars and clubs. Perhaps that’s why one in four adults in NYC have the virus that causes genital herpes. The only good news is that most young adults (those under 45) with more than one sex partner use condoms, the older folks are another story. Hooray for safe sex! [AM New York]

So you’re going to New York City. Obviously there is a long list of touristy things you can consider doing, especially if it’s your first time—Yankee game, Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Museum of Modern Art, Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building…or you can skip all of those, watch a few New York movies for that experience, and stick with our picks instead. Trust us—these are way more fun AND way more New York.

I’ve always been a little curious about what being a stripper, I mean dancer, involves, exactly. If you’re at all interested, you should read Ruth Fowler’s account of how she came to New York from the U.K. and began stripping because she wasn’t making enough to survive as a waitress (plus she was in the States illegally and didn’t have many options, job-wise). She wore clear plastic heals, learned that dancers love their dogs, and even dated a guy she met at work—it didn’t work out, though. He didn’t want her to take off her intense stage makeup. [The Observer, U.K.]

Did you know that today is No Pants Subway Ride Day? Yeah, us neither. Our friend Nick filled us in:

More disappointment, after the jump…