I’ve been in a committed relationship with my wonderful boyfriend for about two years now, and I’ve been extremely happy so far. I know he wants to get married in the next couple of years, and I thought I wanted the same thing. Recently though, I’ve started to find myself attracted to other guys. I feel really guilty about it, but I can’t seem to stop myself from flirting and wondering what it would be like to hook up with some of them. My boyfriend is extremely loving and always tells me how lucky he is, and how beautiful I am, and the guilt has been killing me inside. He treats me so incredibly well that I know I would be very foolish to give him up, or risk what we have for a random hookup because I do want to get married and have children. My sex life with my boyfriend has become more routine and less exciting which I think is also contributing to my wandering eye. Do you think I’m just not ready to settle down? Maybe people just aren’t meant to commit to one person for eternity. I really want to stay loyal to my boyfriend because I honestly love him so much, but I’m concerned my recent behavior is a reflection of a deeper issue. Am I a bad person? I know lots of women would kill to have such a loving guy. I want to stop taking him for granted and be happy, what should I do? — Ready to settle down?
Tag Archives: monogamy
Sometimes the advice for people who email me is so obvious I wonder if they just need to hear someone else say it to truly believe it themselves. Today’s column is dedicated to those individuals.
I have been talking to/dating this girl for a little over a year. We both agreed not to be exclusive, which was fine at the time. Now, a year later, I am ready for more. I told her that I am open to becoming more and her response was what I expected. She was not sure what she wanted. Over the last few weeks, she has made it clear that she is not saying no but that she is confused. Making comments such as “My friends think you’re great and that I am stupid, and I agree with them.” I understand she is scared of the commitment and I have no problem being patient, as I have told her. My question today is how long should I wait? I do not want to walk away from something I feel could be great. I know she wants to but is scared to make the “jump.” At the same time, I don’t want to put my heart on the chopping block. — Running out of Patience
Recently, my boyfriend expressed some fear that we had moved too fast. While it’s only been four months, it feels like way more. Not quite a lifetime, but certainly a few years. We had clicked almost instantly, and while I was less than a year out of a nearly five-year relationship and he was, um, not quite divorced (a whole other topic), it seemed too good to pass up. I felt ready to be totally vulnerable and open to someone new, no matter where that might lead me. It has been (mostly) awesome. Keep reading »
“I met my current boyfriend about six months ago and there was an INSTANT attraction. At first he was perfect: he would make time for me, we would go out and do things together. He wasn’t like any other guy I’ve ever dated — he was polite, open-minded, caring, funny, and RESPECTFUL. I was the one to kiss him first…he even waited longer than I wanted to have sex with me. Here’s the thing though: he’s a coke dealer. As the relationship has progressed, we’ve broken up and gotten back together numerous times and though we’re together now, and I can honestly say that I’m in love with this man, I hate what he does. We don’t hang out much and he blames it on his “work.” I see him MAYBE once a week… is that normal for people who have been dating for eight months? He tells me he’s going to quit his job one day, but I’m not sure, and I can’t push him to quit because, to him, it’s a nice way of making money. I know he sounds like a loser, but I’ve never been with anyone like him before and I can’t stay away from him. Should I just leave a person who I love and care about because of what he does, and try to find someone with a respectful job?”
I’m getting married in a little over two months, and though this is a happy, exciting time in my life, there’s a bittersweetness. It started when I moved to New York a year and a half ago to be with my boyfriend. Up until then, our relationship had been long-distance; he was in Manhattan, and I was in Chicago. Through daily phone calls and frequent trips back and forth, we fell in love while still maintaining solo lives in our respective cities. It was a unique experience to be in a fully committed relationship, but continue living the same single-girl life I’d known since my last serious relationship (minus all the unsuccessful dating, of course). When I wasn’t in New York or hosting my boyfriend in Chicago, my weekends were filled cultivating other relationships — those with my closest friends. Life was filled with wine-drenched, late-night talks, long bike rides along the lake, picnics in the park, afternoon shopping frenzies, potlucks, brunches, and impromptu sleep-overs — all with my single friends. Now that I’m fully immersed in “coupled life,” I realize I’ll probably never have friendships like those again.
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Spring has arrived! I can practically smell the sunscreen and the delightful ocean breeze. But with the heat comes a question — do men suddenly get a little skip in their step when spring arrives that signals a sudden interest in flirting and non-committal sexy times? I’ve heard the theory that people, especially men, prefer monogamy during the colder months, while spring and summer are reserved for fun philandering. But is it true? I went to the usual suspects for answers… Keep reading »
Ask Men U.K. had an interesting article recently on the top ten ways a guy could take a relationship “down a notch” when he doesn’t want to necessarily end it — or, you know, give up regular sex — but just “slow things down a little.” AM tells its readers, “The trick is cooling things down without turning her off” and then gives ten ways to navigate such a “delicate situation.” They suggest having group dates (10), which will makes things feel “less like you’re in a relationship and more like you’re ‘just hanging out,’” not to introduce her to any of your friends (9) , call less often (7), do it-‘n-dash (2), go on vacation without her (1), and just act like an overall jerk (4). Call me crazy, but if a guy really wants is a friends-with-benefits relationship, why not just ask for one? Why go to the big expense of flying to Phoenix alone for the weekend just to prove some point when a conversation would have the same effect? Anyway, we ladies have a few “tricks” of our own. After the jump, the top ten ways we “creatively” take things “up a notch.” Keep reading »
A few weekends ago, my girlfriends and I decided to have a drink night. For most girl crews, drink night usually starts out with a few friendly cocktails and pointless compliments on each other’s outfits (the question, “oh my god where did you get that?” is a surefire sign that you need a few more drinks in you to make the night more interesting). Soon enough those friendly cocktails ended up being more than a few harshly honest pitchers as we started to commence into the dirty ritual every woman has been guilty of enjoying: talking crap about other girls. From “she’s way too tubby to be wearing that,” to, “he’s way too hot to be doing her,” we ranted on and on as if we were Perez on The View. We were cruising No Mercy Street. Eventually we started to soften up as we got onto the subject of our good friend Jesse, who had broken up with her more-than-perfect boyfriend Jeremy. It had turned out that Mr. Perfect had been cheating on her for six months with his hometown friend. Keep reading »
And I’m not just declaring it so because I’m no longer getting married and am bitter in some way. No, marriage is dying because the studies say so. According to new census figures analyzed by The New York Times, married couples, whose numbers have been declining for decades, have finally slipped into the minority. So while it may seem like you can’t find any single friends to go bar crawling with, chances are a small majority of all those couples you know aren’t married and probably won’t be in the future. This makes me positively stoked — even before I was someone’s fiancee, I was never super rah-rah marriage. Maybe it’s because my parents are divorced or I was still still reeling from Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s split, but marriage never seemed like the end goal of a relationship for me. I always saw children as being the big payoff of monogamy, not a ring or a wedding. And even after I got engaged — and was truly happy about it — I believed in marrying that man, not marriage in general. So now that I’m not marrying that man (for whom, I found out, children were not the big payoff), I’m back to thinking that marriage is nice for some people, but not the end all, be all for happy coupling. Keep reading »
Last month, I showed up at a party that my hubby, Andy, and I had been invited to, and I was greeted with silence. Now, I know I’m not that unpopular, so something had to be wrong. As I shrugged off my coat and people got back to mingling, my friend approached with a vodka tonic in hand. Passing it to me and trying to sound casual, she said, “So…where’s Andy tonight?” And then, in a stage whisper, “Is anything wrong?” Keep reading »