“Everybody has been cheated on, everyone will be cheated on. I can’t fix that, I don’t know how, I don’t have any judgment on anybody, I don’t know how to fix the problem. We are human beings,we are complicated -– you cannot go through life without tallying up a few scars, you cannot go through life unscathed, it’s just what it is. It’s all meant to happen, take your lessons, figure it out, move on.”
Cameron Diaz shares her dismal views about long-term monogamy in OK! Magazine UK. While I do agree that you can’t go through your love life unscathed and that cheating or being cheated on is a common experience, I don’t think it’s necessary to expect that your monogamous partner WILL cheat on you. There are many other alternatives to cheating in committed relationships — breaking up, opening up the relationship, or discussing your urges with your partner without acting on them. Fidelity and what it means to you as a couple is something worth discussing if you’re in it for the long haul. More helpful than preparing yourself to be cheated on, is preparing a contingency plan for how to deal if one partner finds themselves having feelings for someone outside the relationship. [Huffington Post]
“My relationship with my present wife [his children's former nanny, Ryan Shawhughes] is thrilling to me and I’m committed to it. But neither she nor I know what shape the future will come in. Sexual fidelity can’t be the whole thing you hang your relationship on. If you really love somebody you want them to grow, but you don’t get to define how that happens. They do. People have such a childish view of monogamy and fidelity. ‘He’s cheated so he’s bad, she’s cheated so she’s bad,’ as opposed to a recognition that our species is not monogamous. To act all indignant, that your world has been rocked because your lover wasn’t faithful to you, is a little bit like acting rocked that your hair went grey. Human beings are sexual beings.”
Ethan Hawke is as well known for all those “Before Sunrise” movies as he is for being the guy who let Uma Thurman get away. But as he broadly hints at the magazine Mr. Porter, he didn’t want to be monogamous. That doesn’t make any cheating that may have occurred okay, of course, but I commend him, actually, for being this honest about monogamy and fidelity given how harshly our culture judges nontraditional relationships. (Actress Maria Bello has some similar thoughts, which she wrote about this weekend in the New York Times Modern Love column.) It sounds like 42-year-old Hawke has a more clear-eyed view of what kind of relationship he wants with his new wife. He’s kidding himself, though, if he thinks that being “indignant” about cheating is abnormal. Non-monogamy isn’t about cheating at all. [Mr. Porter via US Weekly] [Image via Getty]
I’m cautiously optimistic about the next episode of “Our America,” Lisa Ling’s docu-series on the OWN network, in which she discusses families/couplings who are non-monogamous. I’m pretty psyched anytime that the mainstream media acknowledges alternative sexualities at all, bonus points for when it acknowledges we are “normal.” Polyamory or even just being monogam-ish are more common than you think. This preview teases Ling’s show as answering the question “How many is too many?”, which is presupposing something is wrong with non-monogamy and that it is possible for there to be “too many” partners in a polyamorous union. Yet everyone who gets screen time in this preview seems happy with their personal decisions — and pretty “normal,” too. As American as apple pie, you might even say. “I Love You & You … & You” airs next week, Tuesday March 5 at 10/9c on OWN. [Oprah.com]
When a public notary in Sao Paulo, Brazil, authorized a civil union between one man and two women, neither she nor the triad expected to make headlines. Now, three months after their three-way relationship was formalized, it has become an international news story with flashy headlines like “‘Big Love’ In Brazil.” The members of the triad have refused to speak to the press. But the notary, Claudia do Nascimento Domingues, has come forward in light of backlash to explain why she made the decision to authorize the three-way union (or “thruple”). As she told the UK’s Telegraph:
We are only recognizing what has always existed. We are not inventing anything … for better or worse, it doesn’t matter, but what we considered a family before isn’t necessarily what we would consider a family today. Keep reading »
You know how the worst kind of parent will be all, “Oh, you couldn’t possibly understand what it means to truly love another human being until you have a child of your own?” And you are all, Oh word, you’re right, I must be the emotionally crippled jerk here because I don’t go around conducting unsolicited evaluations of other people’s personal lives? And then you order another pitcher all to yourself just to rub in the fact that you and your emotionally stunted self are going to stay until bar closes just because you can?
Now that I am an old married lady, I think I understand that awful parent a little bit better, even though the Texas Alcohol and Beverage Commission still occasionally has to pry that pitcher of beer from my cold, drunk hands. Not because I’m aiming for a Lil’ Grimes any time soon or ever, but because I’m amazed at how different—and touchy, and protective—I feel about partnership now that I’m in a legal one. Keep reading »
Recently my husband and I went on a double date. We met my friend Kate and her husband Bear, at a German Beer Hall. I hadn’t met Bear, and I always find meeting a friend’s partner interesting. Kate seemed to come to life in Bear’s presence. He is upbeat but sensible, she is witty and wildly imaginative. She is small and brunette, he is big and blond. They are a physical yin and yang. And even though there was plenty of room on the bench, they sat close, Kate in the nook of his arm. Keep reading »
My lady friend asked me if I thought it was “absurd” to want to be monogamous with someone and I immediately told her that I did not think it was absurd. It’s absurd to want to be monogamous with a rhinoceros or a pineapple. Especially pineapples, because they are the sluttiest fruit. But I do think that wanting or expecting monogamy is unnatural. Keep reading »
Can you see yourself with him forever? I asked myself just, oh, the other day.Yes. Yes I can. I had asked this question of myself a few months ago too, but about someone else. The answer was the same. And about six months before that. Same question, same answer. Did I mention I’m currently single?
This week, I read Dater X’s latest column with great interest. The idea that maybe we should be asking ourselves bigger questions — “Can I see myself marrying/spending my life with this person?” — about the people we date is not a foreign concept to me. I ask myself that question almost right away with nearly every single person I date; and, with a few exceptions, my subconscious usually answers “yes.” At least at first. Keep reading »
The other day, I was talking to one of my lesbian friends about the difference between gay and straight relationships. “Being a straight woman, who may want to get married someday, means I have to entertain the notion of having a nonmonogamous marriage,” I argued.
“Why?” she challenged me. (I get this reaction a lot. Especially from women, gay or straight, who tend to get defensive when I say something to this effect.)
“Not to consider it would mean I’m in denial,” I replied. Keep reading »
One of the most frequently asked questions in the world of dating has got to be “If they’re not your significant other, than what the hell are they?” Well, pre-exclusive relationships (or PXRs) don’t have to be a frustrating grey area anymore. Here’s a handy guide to the 9 most common types of PXRs, all converted into abbreviations for easy texting. Keep reading »