Posts tagged "mind of man"

Mind Of Man: What’s Wrong With The Word “Panties,” Anyway?

It was a total misunderstanding that one time I bought a woman I was dating sexy lingerie, the slinky, lacy kind that looked like it was made out of the doilies that decorated my grandmother’s beloved sofa. She thought I was disingenuously buying her a gift that was really a gift for me. I protested,…

By: John DeVore / July 8, 2009

Mind Of Man: Def Leppard Was Right, Love Hurts

I don’t believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. That specific aphorism is a bitter, moralizing form of self-deception. We all are cheaters; none of us is invulnerable to temptation. What defines a person is not whether they are faithless. It is a simple, easy thing to impulsively take that which you want. No,…

By: John DeVore / July 1, 2009

Mind Of Man: The Number One Sex Tip That Will Drive Him Wild

If it weren’t for the covers of women’s magazines like Glamopolitan, my time standing in grocery lines would be spent reading the copy on my frozen dinners. It’s amazing how reading “succulent tenderloins cradled by fluffy mashed potatoes” makes a meal squeezed out of a nozzle and flash frozen taste that much better. It wa…

By: John DeVore / June 24, 2009

Mind Of Man: Online Dating Is A Waste Of Time

Groucho Marx once famously quipped “I don’t care to belong to a club that would have me as a member.” I sort of feel the same way about online dating sites. There has got to be a better way to meet people, people. Sadly, mental telepathy does not work. Unless you know what I wa…

By: John DeVore / June 18, 2009

Mind Of Man: Enough With The Princess Crapola Already!

If I read the phrase “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” on this site one more motherspelunking time, I’m going to spontaneously barf. You don’t really believe this, do you? Dudes don’t have an equivalent to this creaky, cliché trope. It’s just not sexy to date a helple…

By: John DeVore / June 10, 2009

Mind Of Man: Why Self-Love Is Sex’s Sexiest Secret

There are two types of women in the world: women who are totally comfortable with masturbation and those who are ashamed of the act. I realize there are more than two types of women in the world, so forgive my rhetorical cheat. It’s for a good cause. I don’t know why some women are weird…

By: John DeVore / June 3, 2009

Mind Of Man: Losing Your Virginity Is Totes Awkward

Apparently, Brooke Shields lost her virginity at the positively spinsterly age of 22, and regrets not having gotten it over with earlier. When it comes to celebrity gossip, I’m on a blessed time delay. Normally, I’m too busy doing manly things like chopping down trees with my face, flamethrower-roasting suckling pigs, or seducing entire female…

By: John DeVore / May 27, 2009

Mind Of Man: Who Should Pay For The First Date?

Men should pay for the first date. It is our responsibility, nay, birthright. It’s what we do instead of having to wear heels or beautifying face spackle. Women should offer to at least cover the tip, because that is polite. The next date should be her treat. Every subsequent date should be split. This i…

By: John DeVore / May 14, 2009

Mind Of Man: What I Learned From My Mother

Oscar Wilde quipped, "Every woman grows up to be her mother: it is her curse. No man does, and that is his." Men should aspire to the best of their parental units. No dig against fathers. But my mother's example has made me a better man. I'm not a momma's boy, I'm just a ma…

By: John DeVore / May 7, 2009

Mind Of Man: The Types Of Women That Really Turn Us On

I went on a date the other week with a pair of hot Swedish volleyball players with galactic hoots and bodies so taut that quarters bounce off bellies. These buxom hotties could easily have graced the pages of Brodawg Magazine, posing in the rain, wearing only leather belts. As they were putting on their heel…

By: John DeVore / April 30, 2009

Mind Of Man: Size Doesn’t Matter

If there’s one thing I’ve learned writing these columns, it’s that you ladies have penis on the brain. Which is why I’m going to admit that my penis is so huge, so gargantuan, that when I get excited, I barely have enough skin with which to whistle. Seriously. It’s like three grapefruits in a gym…

By: John DeVore / April 22, 2009

Mind Of Man: Here’s Why We Don’t Call You Back

Fine, I’ll level with you. After all, we’ve been through so much together. You’re like foreign exchange students to me. Not unlike sisters. But I wouldn’t feel gross if I “accidentally” walked in on you while you showered. TMI? Chances are the reason he hasn’t called you back is because he doesn’t want to talk…

By: John DeVore / April 15, 2009

Mind Of Man: “Guilty Pleasures” Are For Uptight Chumps

Men don’t have “guilty pleasures.” We own, nay, celebrate what’s bad for us. Our obsessions are points of pride, not shame. You’ll never see a guy wolf down a small mountain of waffles with a side of pig and squeal, “OMG, I can’t beliiiiieeeeve I ate everything! Tee! Hee!” We will shamelessly sit in a…

By: John DeVore / April 8, 2009

Mind Of Man: We Watch Porn, So What?

It has recently come to my attention that there are ladies out there who think that their man drooling over pornography is tantamount to adultery. If you truly believe this, you should either dump him ASAP, with extreme prejudice, or accept that you’re going to have to live with his mistress. Dudes watch porn.

By: John DeVore / April 2, 2009

Mind Of Man: Now Playing — Crappy Love Songs

I just can’t emotionally or physically connect with a woman unless there is some kind of terrible music playing. When it comes to love and romance, timing is everything. There is so little choice when it comes to the fickle demands of your heart. And it’s the same with the music that serves as the…

By: John DeVore / March 25, 2009

Mind Of Man: How To Date A Loser

An objective, partially superficial analysis of women’s magazines like Glamopolitan has led me to form the following conclusions: If you don’t learn the 456 sex tips, he will cheat on you. You’re not fat, girl! But here’s a diet to try! You date nothing but losers -- and therefore have an insatiable appetite for article…

By: John DeVore / March 19, 2009

Mind Of Man: Why Guys Want “Starts With An A, Ends With -Nal” Sex

Finally. I thought I’d answer one of the big questions I’ve been asked over and over again, the question you ladies are dying to know the answer to. Are you ready? We want anal sex because if we ask you if we can, and you say yes, even begrudgingly, then that is awesome. I don’t…

By: John DeVore / March 12, 2009

Mind Of Man: He’s Laid Off, You’re Not, So What Now?

The Hobopocalyse continues unabated: the stock market is at its lowest in twelve years, unemployment is at its highest in decades, and nobody knows how bad it’s going to get. But the good news is, I didn’t have to pitchfork-fight mole people for canned food today. Your 401K might be tanking, but canned food will…

By: John DeVore / March 5, 2009

Mind Of Man: Stop Playing The Name Game

Here’s a question: Why was Chris Noth’s character in "Sex In the City" nicknamed “Mr. Big” when it’s clear it should have been “Mr. Old Man Fatty”? Also, I want to know which came first: Carrie and the girls giving the men they were dating petty, offensive little nicknames or actual real world women assigning…

By: John DeVore / February 25, 2009

Mind Of Man: When It Comes To Love, Chill Out

As I see it, there should be no discussion of a relationship, or exclusivity, within the first three months of dating. Those three months should be a drama and ultimatum-free zone. No jealousy or commitment. Just a period of savoring; the gritty, totally worth it hard work can come later. Save it, potentially, for the…

By: John DeVore / February 19, 2009
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