Posts tagged "mind of man"

Mind Of Man: The Freakiest Sex I Ever Had

The old cliché warns against judging a book by its cover, and this is especially true when sizing up a lover. You just can’t tell how sexually adventurous a person is by looking at them. Appearances don’t always deceive; sometimes they just obscure the truth. And I’ve learned over the years that just because she…

John DeVore / September 14, 2011

Mind Of Man: My Plan On 9/11

I had a plan on September 10th, 2001. It was a rough plan, just broad strokes, really. But it was a plan. Because men make plans. You can’t build a bridge or pull off a bank heist or rescue a hostage without a plan. So I had a plan to get my life in order.

John DeVore / September 9, 2011

Mind Of Man: Sure, Monogamy Is Unnatural

My lady friend asked me if I thought it was “absurd” to want to be monogamous with someone and I immediately told her that I did not think it was absurd. It’s absurd to want to be monogamous with a rhinoceros or a pineapple. Especially pineapples, because they are the sluttiest fruit. But I do…

John DeVore / September 1, 2011

Mind Of Man: Why Men Lie

Men lie because the shortest distance between what they want and getting it is a rickety rope bridge swaying back and forth over a bottomless chasm that creaks when you put your foot on it. It is possible to inch across that bridge and get to the other side. But it’s more likely that the…

John DeVore / August 24, 2011

Mind Of Man: Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

A recent study has concluded that it doesn’t pay to be a “nice” guy. Scientists have found that men who are “agreeable” in the workplace don’t earn as much money as men who are more cutthroat. This groundbreaking finding serves to prove that tired old saying that “nice guys finish last.” When did you become…

John DeVore / August 17, 2011

Mind Of Man: The Most Romantic Part Of Romance

Romance is project management. All successful romantic gestures are the result of one person observing, plotting and executing a plan. Sometimes the plan is big and bold like a prison break. Sometimes it’s quick like a commando raid. I had a girlfriend once who forgave me my comic book addiction and remembered that I wa…

John DeVore / August 3, 2011

Mind Of Man: I Bought A Sex Toy (Almost)

It’s amazing what a man will do when he is both horny and bored. I firmly believe all of man’s great contributions to civilization were a direct result of boredom and sexual frustration. Alexander the Great conquered the ancient world because he was bored and horny. Galileo turned his telescope to the stars because he…

John DeVore / July 27, 2011

Mind Of Man: How To Deal With Bitterness

I have recently been accused of being “bitter.” This accusation has been at the heart of various criticisms of recent blog posts I have written. Those blog posts include a recent rant about first dates, and the hilariously absurd insecurities that ritual inspires. I also wrote an obnoxious review of the new “Harry Potter” movie,…

John DeVore / July 20, 2011

Mind Of Man: First Dates Are The Worst, Am I Right? Seriously? AM I RIGHT?

I think “tapas” is actually Spanish for “Hey, these people will spend a lot of money to eat small portions of food off of tiny plates.” The whole idea of “tapas” was probably invented in the ’70s as a way to fleece English-speaking tourists who found appetizers sold as entrees charming and rustic. I hate…

John DeVore / July 13, 2011

Mind Of Man: Why Men Cheat Redux

Haven’t I written about why men cheat before? Can’t I write about anal sex? Again? For the third or fourth time in my career as a hack? If it weren’t for the perpetually hot topic of “why men cheat,” the entire gender-industrial complex would collapse.

Men cheat because people are jerks. Selfishness i…

John DeVore / June 22, 2011

Mind Of Man: The Lamest Fantasy Ever

Unless you own a private plane with a bed in the cabin, having sex in an airplane has got to be the lamest sexual fantasy ever. Not to mention corny. And tacky. If you want to do it in public, do it in a park or an alley like decent people. I find its apparent…

John DeVore / June 17, 2011

Mind Of Man: Does Every Man Want To Have A Threesome? (Answer: Yes! Also: No!)

Here’s a 110 percent true fact: the guy you’re dating has definitely imagined having a threesome with you and the waitress from last night, his hot co-worker, or your best friend. Yuck, amiriiiiight?

While you’re squirming over how grossoholic men are, telling yourself “My boyfriend would NEVER want to have a threesome between me…

John DeVore / June 2, 2011

Mind Of Man: Notes On A Wedding

I have never really enjoyed weddings. I usually think of weddings as funerals with dancing. I used to think weddings had better food, but then I went to a funeral that had the most divine smoked salmon platter. I once explained to a girlfriend that weddings were the last meals served to death row inmates.

John DeVore / May 25, 2011

Mind Of Man: What He’s Thinking During Sex (An Internal Monologue)

Oh yeah, I’m about to have sex. What time is it? Big hand is on “LAID,” little hand is on “ME.” This is going to be awesome. Breath: minty! Pits: spicy! Boxers: fresh! Give her the Han Solo smirk. Squint, seductively. Remember that the eyes are like the mouths of the pants. Tell her what…

John DeVore / May 20, 2011

Mind Of Man: What Men Think About Besides Sex (Which We Also Think About)

There is a popular stereotype that men think about sex every seven seconds, which is absurd. Men take a break from thinking about sex every second seconds. That second is usually spent in quiet contemplation. Once that second if over, however, it’s right back to what all men always think about: hot sex. Hammering stuff…

John DeVore / May 12, 2011

Mind Of Man: What Men Think About Menstruation

When I was a little kid, my teenage sister explained to me that she had become a woman. This meant that for one week out of the month, I had better do exactly what she tells me. I would never know exactly when that week would be, so for my sake, she lovingly suggested I…

John DeVore / May 4, 2011

Mind Of Man: Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Dating

Everything I ever needed to know about dating, I learned selling comedy tickets on the streets of New York City. Convincing a grouchy New Yorker to give you cash money for magic beans is a brutal way to make a living, much less a buck. But it was while pounding the proverbial pavement like a…

John DeVore / April 27, 2011

Mind Of Man: Don’t Judge Me By The Book I’m Reading

I’d like to sincerely apologize to the cute nerd girl intently reading the emo-vampire epic Twilight on the New York City subway: I’m sorry for judging you. This happened about six months ago and I sniffed at you for eagerly devouring a young adult novel about a very special girl and her boyfriend, a really…

John DeVore / April 15, 2011

Mind Of Man: The Super Friends Are My Emotional Support System

Advice is a past mistake regifted. So I’m enjoying Christmas in March. Everyone I know has offered me advice about getting over a breakup and each piece of advice is a piece of personal pain with a ribbon tied around it. I appreciate it, of course. I listen dutifully and say “I hadn’t thought of…

John DeVore / March 30, 2011

Mind Of Man: How To Get Over A Breakup

I’m single, which is working out great because I hate grooming. My ex is awesome, but between you and me and the internet, she could be a total bitch about “soap and water.” Whatever! Now I’m free to wallow in my own filth and believe me, I stink hard. Sure, I look like a lumberjack…

John DeVore / March 23, 2011
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