I’ve been having pregnancy scares since before I even started having sex. This is either a reflection of the quality of sex education in California during the early-‘90s or a sign that I’m just deeply paranoid. Luckily, I’ve never actually been pregnant … just further convinced that sometimes the body likes to play mind games. Alas, my excellent track record did not dissuade a new wave of pregnancy panic. See, my period is late. And I’ve had sex in the last month. It was protected, BUT STILL. Like I said, I’m paranoid. So, just before filming this week’s episode of Funny Girl Sex Guide, I took a pregnancy test and in true Maury Povich style, I reveal the results at the end of the episode. But first! Let’s review the main reasons for why a normally prompt period might be late … besides pregnancy.
Do you know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “dick cheese”? So many times. Countless times. “Period goobers”? Not so much. It’s time to change this, y’all.
Dudes get to talk about their balls and penises in public all the friggin’ time. They’re so used to being able to talk openly about their dicks that many of them have come to believe that talking about their dicks is an acceptable way to flirt. And balls — blue balls, ball-busting, having things by the balls, having the balls to do stuff — fucking testicles are pervasive in our lives.
I propose changing this by going all-in and talking about our periods openly and graphically. We talk about penises so much that pretty much everyone has a working knowledge about penises and the things they do and go through. Let’s get real real about our vaginas and our lady times. We’ve made penises into sort of lovably comical objects, and it’s time we did the same for poon. I’ll get the ball rolling (SO TO SPEAK): Keep reading »
This is a little weird to say, but I’ve come across an app that makes tracking your period kind of, um, fun! It’s called Clue, and I’m convinced its pretty layout is what makes it so addictive. The design is bright and attractive but devoid of pink, flowers, or any of the other vaguely patronizing nonsense that is usually associated with periods or ovulation. I think it’s such a good idea to track the details of your period, because it feels like I have more control of my health somehow that way, but I’ve jumped between different boring apps and gotten sick of the monotony of recording it too many times to count. Clue, however, kind of feels like I’m playing a game when I use it — like Candy Crush but actually beneficial. When you open the app, you’re greeted by colorful cartoon clouds that change colors based on when your period is predicted to arrive. Like any lady health app, it also predicts the days you’re most fertile, and it uses a nifty circular chart in addition to a regular calendar. You can record your mood, PMS symptoms, sexytime activities, and other little tidbits using cute buttons that distract from the not-so-cute reality of those cramps you’re keeping track of. Our bodies are kind of amazing in their complexity, and recording this stuff always makes it a bit easier try understand. I’m totally into it. [Clue]
Three forward-thinking women have put their heads together to create the ultimate in lingerie — pretty, stain-resistant underwear meant to help you survive your period without ruined clothes and embarrassing moments. Why didn’t anyone come up with this sooner!?
The panties are called THINX, and they’re the brain child of twin sisters Radha and Miki Agrawal and their friend Antonia Dunbar. After facing one too many public period disasters, the ladies got fed up with the cultural stigma surrounding menstruation — and how that stigma has prevented innovation in the products we use to manage our time of the month. THINX undies are made with “four-layer technology” to prevent leakage, but are still thin enough to feel something like real underwear. They’re offered as hiphuggers, thongs, and even a fancy lacy variety. Keep reading »
I have a distinct memory of being 12 years old and seeing one of my closest girl friends go off to huddle with another girl at school. “What were you talking about?” I asked her later. “Oh, we both just got our periods so….” she explained, her voice trailing off in such a way that indicated that I just couldn’t understand. I was so jealous, dying to be part of their special menstrual club. Of course, when my period finally arrived for the first time a few months later, I was horrified and burst into tears. Ahhh, hormones! This ad for Hello Flo — makers of menstrual care packages — does such a perfect job capturing the confusion of puberty, where all you want is your period … until you finally get it, that is. [YouTube]
I don’t know about you, but my monthly period never comes out looking like the watery blue liquid seen in every tampon and maxi pad commercial. What if those ads actually used red dye instead of blue to more accurately reflect the color of, you know, PERIOD BLOOD? The funny folks at Upright Citizens Brigade went there. I appreciate the slightly thicker consistently too. Very true-to-life. [via Gawker]