Masturbation isn’t a very sexy word. But despite its poor branding and marketing, self-lovin’ gets us all (hopefully) to the big O. So, rather than harp on the weird choice of word, like vagina (not the best work of the English language), why not try one of these ridiculous euphemisms for “dancing with myself”? Hey, they might inspire you to come up with more, uh, nicknames.
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I went to the very liberal Sarah Lawrence College, where they often invited sex workers to campus to talk about sex toys, BDSM, even squirting. I was exposed to more nudity, dildos, vibrators, and threesomes than I’d care to mention. It was awesome. My brother and dad went to the more conservative Duke University, where they’ve recently been conducting a study on women and sex toys, inviting female students to sex toy parties (think: like an old-fashioned Tupperware party) where they can buy erotic toys, lingerie, and games. Before and after, the students fill out a survey about their thoughts about sex. But the Duke Catholic Center is pretty pissed about this research. Reverend Joe Vetter thinks that the study doesn’t promote relationships and wants to discuss this atrocious study at mass. [News & Observer] Keep reading »
In this week’s Savage Love column, a guy (for convenience, I’m assuming it was a dude, but it could have been a woman) wrote in saying he’d coined the clever term “procrasturbation” and wanted help getting it into dictionaries. Procrasturbation, he explained, means “to waste time by pleasuring yourself.” He said he wrote Merriam-Webster back in 2004 about having the word included in their dictionary, but was told:
“Your coinage is clever, but I’m afraid that cleverness is not the criterion on which a word is entered into our dictionaries … For ‘procrasturbate’ to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we’ve collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our dictionary.”
I happen to like the word, so in an effort to help get it into Merriam-Webster, I’m printing it here. So, what have you, readers? Are you procrasturbators? Do you regularly “waste time by pleasuring yourself”? Keep reading »
One dude is going to extreme lengths to stop himself from masturbating. Brian “Head” Welch, who used to play guitar is that awful band KoRn (yeah, I said it!) and is already heavily tattooed, has gotten JESUS tattooed across his knuckles so he’s deterred from playing his own instrument. How not metal. He explains:
“The Jesus tattoo on my hand keeps me from masturbating and I haven’t been with a woman since my ex-wife left me almost five years ago. I go to those extremes to be like Christ and it works for me.”
Now I know as well as anyone how hard it can be to get over a bad breakup, but seriously? [Needles And Sins]
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I’m a little sad for John Hudson. The dude just turned 18 and to celebrate his birthday, he decided to squat between two cars in a parking lot and masturbate while wearing women’s undies and stockings. Then the cops arrived, totally busting up his private party of one, and arrested Hudson on obscenity and trespassing charges. The police also found pornographic magazines, lotion and a “pink dildo with pubic hairs on it.” In his “defense,” Hudson says he has a “fetish” for such things. I feel bad for the dude. Just turned 18 and already has a criminal record for something that’s pretty harmless. I mean, I wouldn’t want my five-year-old happening upon Hudson, but the fact that he was squatting between two cars indicates he was at least trying to hide — doesn’t that count for something? [Splash News] Keep reading »
This week I got a letter from a teeny bopper, who just can’t seem to “She Bop,” if you know what I mean. She wrote:
I’m 19, have never had a boyfriend, and am still a virgin.
I’m not coming to you for relationship advice; the way I see it I don’t need a man right now. The thing is, as I’m sure you know, sex dominates culture. Just because I’ve never done it doesn’t mean I haven’t heard stories, and it’s made me pretty damn horny. I’m kind of curious about masturbation, but I feel like I’m just doing it wrong. Nothing seems to really get me there. Do you have advice for a beginner like me?
Well, honey, even a ho like me will tell you that there’s no rush to lose your virginity — especially if you’ haven’t orgasmed on your own first! Lettin’ some dude sock it to you before you know how to get off isn’t gonna do it for ya. No man is that good. You’ve got to take your O into your own hands! You’ve got to solve, or rather diddle, your own ecstasy riddle. So, all that work you’ve been doing feeling around down there, even if it hasn’t finished the job, is a good start! Now here’s how you can take yourself all the way home. Keep reading »
Buffin’ the muffin. Tiptoeing through the two lips. Five knuckle gusset shuffle. Coochie cuddling. And, if you’re Irish, Tickling me Elmo. We all do it and we all have our favorite euphemisms for it—so why can’t we talk about it? Keep reading »