• “Pleasure is in your own hands” is the new pro-masturbation slogan used by a sex ed program in the Extremadura region of Spain. The campaign has upset some Catholics in the country, despite having received funding from local youth and women’s affairs ministries. [Guardian UK]
• The federal government released a report on Tuesday which found that DNA evidence culled from “rape kits,” which are performed when a victim visits an emergency room or doctor’s office after a rape, are often never sent to crime labs. A CBS news investigation found that when raped kids are not tested for months or even years, the rapists are walking free and continuing to commit crimes. [CBS News]

Masturbation isn’t a very sexy word. But despite its poor branding and marketing, self-lovin’ gets us all (hopefully) to the big O.  So, rather than harp on the weird choice of word, like vagina (not the best work of the English language), why not try one of these ridiculous euphemisms for “dancing with myself”? Hey, they might inspire you to come up with more, uh, nicknames.

I went to the very liberal Sarah Lawrence College, where they often invited sex workers to campus to talk about sex toys, BDSM, even squirting. I was exposed to more nudity, dildos, vibrators, and threesomes than I’d care to mention. It was awesome. My brother and dad went to the more conservative Duke University, where they’ve recently been conducting a study on women and sex toys, inviting female students to sex toy parties (think: like an old-fashioned Tupperware party) where they can buy erotic toys, lingerie, and games. Before and after, the students fill out a survey about their thoughts about sex. But the Duke Catholic Center is pretty pissed about this research. Reverend Joe Vetter thinks that the study doesn’t promote relationships and wants to discuss this atrocious study at mass. [News & Observer]

In this week’s Savage Love column, a guy (for convenience, I’m assuming it was a dude, but it could have been a woman) wrote in saying he’d coined the clever term “procrasturbation” and wanted help getting it into dictionaries. Procrasturbation, he explained, means “to waste time by pleasuring yourself.” He said he wrote Merriam-Webster back in 2004 about having the word included in their dictionary, but was told:

“Your coinage is clever, but I’m afraid that cleverness is not the criterion on which a word is entered into our dictionaries … For ‘procrasturbate’ to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we’ve collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our dictionary.”

I happen to like the word, so in an effort to help get it into Merriam-Webster, I’m printing it here. So, what have you, readers? Are you procrasturbators? Do you regularly “waste time by pleasuring yourself”?

Ever notice how a lot of blogs for dudes are 99 percent links to stuff for guys to masturbate to? We here at The Frisky wonder how guys have time to do anything else, what with all that self-spanking time on their hands. Lady blogs are a different story altogether. But that got us thinking: How often do women masturbate? Once a day? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year? According to PyschologyToday.com, 38 percent of women said they'd masturbated only once during the last year. On the other hand, About.com's Men's Health section says men masturbate around two or three times a week. We can't help but wonder if this is the whole story.

One dude is going to extreme lengths to stop himself from masturbating. Brian “Head” Welch, who used to play guitar is that awful band KoRn (yeah, I said it!) and is already heavily tattooed, has gotten JESUS tattooed across his knuckles so he’s deterred from playing his own instrument. How not metal. He explains:

“The Jesus tattoo on my hand keeps me from masturbating and I haven’t been with a woman since my ex-wife left me almost five years ago. I go to those extremes to be like Christ and it works for me.”

Now I know as well as anyone how hard it can be to get over a bad breakup, but seriously?  [Needles And Sins]

I’m a little sad for John Hudson. The dude just turned 18 and to celebrate his birthday, he decided to squat between two cars in a parking lot and masturbate while wearing women’s undies and stockings. Then the cops arrived, totally busting up his private party of one, and arrested Hudson on obscenity and trespassing charges. The police also found pornographic magazines, lotion and a “pink dildo with pubic hairs on it.” In his “defense,” Hudson says he has a “fetish” for such things. I feel bad for the dude. Just turned 18 and already has a criminal record for something that’s pretty harmless. I mean, I wouldn’t want my five-year-old happening upon Hudson, but the fact that he was squatting between two cars indicates he was at least trying to hide—doesn’t that count for something? [Splash News]

Wish you could masturbate, say, midday? Want to freak out your coworkers so they won’t annoy you in your cubicle? Well, the Hawaii Chair is here for you, girl. It’ll make your pelvis involuntarily do the Elvis while you work the day away. Ah, technology has come so far! [WOW]

This week I got a letter from a teeny bopper, who just can’t seem to “She Bop,” if you know what I mean. She wrote:

I’m 19, have never had a boyfriend, and am still a virgin.
 I’m not coming to you for relationship advice; the way I see it I don’t need a man right now. The thing is, as I’m sure you know, sex dominates culture. Just because I’ve never done it doesn’t mean I haven’t heard stories, and it’s made me pretty damn horny. I’m kind of curious about masturbation, but I feel like I’m just doing it wrong. Nothing seems to really get me there. Do you have advice for a beginner like me?

Well, honey, even a ho like me will tell you that there’s no rush to lose your virginity—especially if you’ haven’t orgasmed on your own first! Lettin’ some dude sock it to you before you know how to get off isn’t gonna do it for ya. No man is that good. You’ve got to take your O into your own hands!  You’ve got to solve, or rather diddle, your own ecstasy riddle. So, all that work you’ve been doing feeling around down there, even if it hasn’t finished the job, is a good start! Now here’s how you can take yourself all the way home.

Buffin’ the muffin. Tiptoeing through the two lips. Five knuckle gusset shuffle. Coochie cuddling. And, if you’re Irish, Tickling me Elmo. We all do it and we all have our favorite euphemisms for it—so why can’t we talk about it?

Jeebus. Why does everybody get so freaked out when adults dare to talk about teenagers masturbating, considering horny 13-year-old guys probably jerk off more than anyone in the world? Alas, there’s drama in Sheffield, England, because medical professionals are circulating a pamphlet to teens which suggests that self-pleasure might be more satisfying than, oh, having sex before they’re ready or getting knocked up. The pamphlet is called “Pleasure” and it says:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away….Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

“Adult” and “sex ed” are three words that sound terrible together at first glance.  But lo and behold, O: The Oprah Magazine sat in on an adult sex ed class full of 40- to 60-somethings at the First Unitarian Church in Austin, TX, and one thing is for certain: bumbling teens aren’t the only ones with questions!

Unitarians are smart for realizing that learning about one’s sexuality is a lifelong pursuit. How to properly put on a condom and what to do about queefing preoccupy the young pups. New parents, an infertile couple, women who lost her breasts to mastectomies, and other grownups now realize that 45-minute lecture from the gym coach back in 10th grade left something to be desired!

Last night, my guy went to watch Megan Fox’s hot body, I mean, “Transformers 2.” One girlfriend wanted me to grab dinner and another wanted to see a movie.

But the only thing I wanted to do was eat half a bag of potato chips for dinner, flip through Women’s Health and paint my nails with a hot pink polish so bright it would blind a newborn.

So you know what? That’s what I did.

Kinda lame, I know. But I had a really great relationship with myself for those two years that I was single and last night reminded me there are some kinda lame things single women do that are actually really fun.

What would you do if your significant other masturbated twice a day? Would you be upset? Grossed out? Concerned? Or would you not care? Slate’s “Dear Prudence” heard from a man whose wife was upset by his twice daily masturbation habit and, I have to say, I’m not sure how I feel about her advice.

There are two types of women in the world: women who are totally comfortable with masturbation and those who are ashamed of the act. I realize there are more than two types of women in the world, so forgive my rhetorical cheat. It’s for a good cause.

I don’t know why some women are weird about pleasuring themselves. I am not, in fact, a woman. But to those who are embarrassed about it, please, think about rubbing one out for your boyfriend or husband tonight. He will love it. There are few spectacles as captivating as a woman getting herself off. It is pure sex on toast. Watching your girl squirm, growl, and hit the right buttons while you whisper dirty little secrets and improper commands is so hot, it makes my guts ache. It’s vulnerable, and intimate, and epically eye-crossing. 

Maura Kelly, a former editor for Glamour magazine, was 30 years old before she had an orgasm. Not-so-coincidentally, she was also 30 before she tried masturbation for the first time, the details of which she describes in an essay for The Daily Beast. Having waited until her late twenties to have sex—take that, Brooke Shields!—Kelly writes that she’d always found the idea of self love particularly icky. “It seemed tawdry, seedy, shameful—in a category with sex shops, colored condoms, and porn videos,” she writes. So what compelled her to finally get to get over her “masturation-block”? Back pain!

“An ex suggested that learning how to climax might help alleviate my chronic back pain. That sounded promising…. Though sexual realization didn’t seem particularly exigent, physical relief did. And because I already had a vibrator—snagged years earlier off the Glamour giveaway shelf—what did I have to lose?”

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

May is National Masturbation Month! The annual tradition began as a show of support for former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who was fired from her job when she suggested that teens be taught self-love as a safe sex option. That seems like a bright idea, but we live in dark times, and a lot of people out there aren’t in touch with themselves. So, lets bust some myths about sexy time with yourself.

The 9th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon took place in San Francisco last weekend, and the competition was stiff! The event, sponsored by the Center for Sex & Culture, was founded in honor of surgeon general Jocelyn Elders who was fired after she suggested teens be taught masturbation as a means towards safe sex. Now, her work lives on in the form of an annual contest. This year’s winners packed some serious heat. A new US record was set by Mr. Flint Greasewood. His swimmers went the distance, shooting a whopping five feet. Two world records were set, as well. The Lusty Lady Theater beat the Women’s Tag Team, and Mr. Masanobu Sato broke his own masturbation world record at nine hours and 58 minutes. I know we don’t want a no minute man, but 10 hours?

Congratulations! You just learned that a lot of your guy friends have or do think about you while they jerk off! But do you ever think about them? Do tell.

Last night I had the pleasure of guesting on Cosmo Radio on Sirius. One of things we discussed (in addition to the Hottest Guys With Irish Blood and Paul Rudd) was the public’s obsession with the ins and outs of celebrity sex lives. How weird it must be for, say, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, to know that thousands/millions of people actually think about them DOING IT? But Brian, Cosmo Radio’s resident male, clued us in on something startling. There are people—men, specifically—who think about US having sex. How we do it, what we look like when we’re doing it, and what it might be like to be the one doing it to us. In fact, he promised, we could count on the fact that at least five of our guy friends thought about us while they were jerking off. Say what? My guy friends, aka the Guys On Our IM, have potentially included me in their spank bank? I was honored, not disgusted by the notion, and therefore had to confirm…