So, “American Horror Story” came back last night for season two, “Asylum,” and I have A Lot Of Feelings about it. (SPOILERS, obviously): Queen Jessica Lange was divine, of course, and I loved the lesbian and interracial marriage subplots. But while the first season was creepy and even messed with you psychologically at times, this first episode just made me squirm. All the medical experiments and sadism made me feel like was watching torture porn and the “Hostel” enterprise has never been my idea of good horror. And I straight up wasn’t feeling the alien abduction stuff on top of all that. You don’t need to put icing on a macaron, Ryan Murphy.
One thing I think we can all agree on, however, is that Sister Jude is a terrifying bitch and watching her sadistically decimate Sister Mary Eunice’s self-worth is cringe inducing. The most insane moment in last night’s episode was when Sister Mary Eunice is in trubs for letting the snoopy reporter into the asylum, so she lays herself prostrate across Sister Jude’s to be caned. The teddy bear in me was, like, “No, Mary Eunice, run away from the asylum! Go live with the nice lesbians!” … but the pervert in me was, like, “Nun spanking! HOT!”
I have a dirty mind. Don’t tell Sister Jude.