There’s no joy quite like the elation of finding out 1) there’s a trashy new Lifetime original movie about fundamentalist Mormons coming out, 2) it stars one of the hot guys in your spank bank, and 3) it’s airing this weekend when you just so happen to have no plans. Introducing “Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs,” a Lifetime original movie debuting this Saturday night. Tony Goldwyn, who plays Fitz on “Scandal,” stars as the fundamentalist polygamist Mormon/cult leader who believes he is a “prophet” and forces the marriages of adult men to underage girls. I’m sure Lifetime will have all sorts of lawyered-up language — “Inspired by true events!” — but will be accurate enough in a TV movie sorta way. One thing is for sure, I’ll be watching. [My Lifetime]
Huzzah! A week from today, I’ll be sleeping in thanks to the Memorial Day holiday and anticipating the premiere of “Petals On The Wind,” Lifetime’s followup to the hugely successful TV movie adaptation of V.C. Andrews’ “Flowers In The Attic.” Rose McIver replaces Kiernan Shipka as now-grown Cathy, and Wyatt Nash plays her manly brother Christopher, but Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn return as their wicked mother and grandmother. In this sequel, Cathy and Christopher return to Dollanganger Manor and come to face to face with their sordid past — but will they be able to resist temptation as the memories of their time in the attic come rushing back? You’ll have to watch on Monday, May 26 at 9 p.m. to find out! (Or just reread your dogeared copy of the book on the beach this weekend!)
Lifetime’s TV movie adaptation of V.C. Andrews’ classic trashy read Flowers in the Attic has not even aired yet, but the network must be confident that incestuous romances are ratings gold, because they’re already planning to produce a sequel. Petals on the Wind is the second book in Andrews’ Dollanganger family series and follows the three remaining children after their escape from their evil grandmother’s attic and their mother’s attempts to poison them. Don’t worry! There’s still plenty of incestuous feelings, creepy old men, and a return to Foxworth Hall, as Cathy (Kiernan Shipka) plots to enact revenge against her mother and grandmother. I can only pray that every other pervert like me, who spent hours locked in their bedrooms, dog-earing the pages of V.C.’s books, actually tunes in for both these films, because I would personally love to see the third and fourth books adapted as well. And then the Casteel family series should be next! I could totally envision Lindsay Lohan as Heaven…
Anyway, “Flowers in the Attic” premiere January 18. Check out the extended trailer above! [Hollywood Reporter]
In case you were wondering, Christina Ricci is still — somehow — utterly ageless. As as for her Lifetime original movie, “Lizze Bordon Took An Ax,” well, I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions. [The Mary Sue]
[Update, 5:45p.m.: Damn, the trailer has been removed from the Internet! Trust us, it was good.] God bless Lifetime and their trashy, trashy movies. The trailer for the January 2014 remake of “Flowers In The Attic” is here and it’ll give you the heebies-jeebies in only the way a V.C. Andrews erotica about incestuous teenagers locked in an attic by their sadistic grandmother can. Lucky for us, the icky plot is leveled out with some real stars in the cast: “Mad Men”‘s Kiernan Shipka plays Cathy, the sister who falls in love with her brother, Heather Graham plays their troubled mother, and Ellen Burstyn is their psycho grandmother. This looks intense. You know we’re going to watch. [YouTube]
I didn’t say it looked good necessarily. This is no “Behind the Candelabra.” But how did Lifetime manage to get real actors like Adam Goldberg and Martin Landeau to appear in their version of the pinup’s life (she’s been dead since 2007)? Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’ll totally be watching on June 29, if only for the scene where Anna Nicole (played by Agnes Bruckner) puts on the clown makeup…
So, did everyone watch Lifetime’s sure-to-be-a-classic original movie “Liz & Dick,” starring Lindsay Lohan as Dame Elizabeth Taylor and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton, last night? I did. In fact, I watched it twice, it was that horrifically yet entertainingly bad. Where to begin? Lindsay Lohan’s performance was abominable. It was like she didn’t even try to channel Elizabeth Taylor in the slightest, she just showed up to read some lines in between smoke breaks. She could only maintain Elizabeth’s British accent for half sentences at most, and instead of delivering her lines with Taylor’s trademark bravado, Lohan sounded like she was casually shooting the shit with her weed dealer. Now, the hair and makeup were fabulous, but I could never get past the fact that 26-year-old Lohan was supposed to be playing late-20s/early-30s Liz for most of the film, but that she seemed so much older, thanks to her worn-out raspy voice. Really, the film was unofficially sponsored by Marlboro Reds. Lohan was at her most convincing in the last few moments of the movie, playing ’80s era Liz, which I hope prompts Lifetime to do a sequel called “Liz & Larry,” about Taylor’s relationship with Larry Fortensky.
For the record, the plot could be summed up as follows: Liz and Dick fall in love, Liz and Dick fight, Liz throws a vase at the wall and takes some pills, Liz and Dick make up, Liz and Dick fight again, Liz throws a vase at a wall again, Liz and Dick make up, etc. etc. These scenes are broken up with lovely moments where Liz and Dick talk to the audience from beyonnnnnd the graaaaave — i.e. wearing all black, sitting in director’s chairs and smoking cigs — giving us their “perspective” on what drew them to each other. Spoiler alert: you will not understand a thing about either of these two iconic actors by the end of this film.
For those of you who didn’t get a chance to watch the movie, allow me to review — with clips! — the movie’s best/worst moments. Keep reading »