Really, people? Or maybe I should say really, People? Kidnapped for 18 years, Jaycee Lee Dugard and her two children finally escaped their lives as prisoners of Phillip Garrido this August, much to the joy of the Dugard family. But not two months have passed before Jaycee is on the cover of People magazine.

Elizabeth Smart was found more than six years ago, but her kidnapper, Brian Mitchell, has still not gone to trial. His lawyers claim that he’s a complete looney, and it’s been an uphill battle to prove that he’s fit to stand trial. Makes you oh so proud of our legal system, right? Yesterday, at Mitchell’s official competency hearing, Elizabeth took the stand for the first time to tell what exactly happened to her in the nine months she was missing. The details are horrifying: After Mitchell took her at knife-point from her house, he made her hike three miles into the mountains to a campsite he’d set up. There, he performed a “marriage ceremony” and raped her. She was 14 at the time. He raped her every day for the next nine months. She said, “Anytime I showed resistance or hesitance, he would turn to me and say, ‘The Lord has commanded you to do this. You have to experience the lowest form of humanity to experience the highest.’” Mitchell forced her to drink alcohol, to take drugs, and to watch porn. At one point, Mitchell chained her to a tree. Elizabeth says that Mitchell planned to kidnap a second girl to “marry,” though luckily the plot didn’t work out.

Apparently unaware of the many ways this could backfire terribly, Wikler Moran-Mora, pastor of the Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform in Tampa, FL, faked his own kidnapping so he could two-time his wife. According to police, Moran-Mora texted his wife last Tuesday evening to say he had been kidnapped, but that she should not worry because he was working to get released. But when police tracked down Moran-Mora’s location via his cell phone, they discovered “negotiating with kidnappers” actually meant “boning another woman.” The pastor has been charged with filing a false police report—and coming up with a really bad alibi. [ABC Action News]

But Moran-Mora actually isn’t the first genius who got caught being a liar, liar, pants on fire. A trip down memory lane, after the jump:

Let’s start Friday off on a happy/incredibly disturbing note, shall we? In 1991, Jaycee Dugard, 11, was kidnapped and presumed dead. This week, a woman walked into a police station in the Bay Area and told officers that she was Dugard, now 29. She had been kidnapped and kept a prisoner in the backyard of Phillip Garrido, a registered sex offender and religious fanatic, and his wife, Nancy. Garrido had raped her repeatedly over the years, fathering two children, now 11 and 15. Dugard and the girls were kept in tents and sheds in the Garridos’ backyard and police suspect that this week might have been the first time she or her children had left the compound. The three have since been reunited with Dugard’s family and the Garridos will be arraigned today. [LA Times]

A cheating Guatemalan woman faked her own kidnapping in Barcelona, so she could keep cheating with her Spanish lover. Ay carumba! Mark Sanford, are you taking notes? A woman in Spain texted her hubby in Guatemala that she’d been kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and held against her will with other kidnappees. In truth, the two-timer was boning a guy she met online. Her worried hubby alerted the Embassy of Spain in Guatemala, who called cops in Spain. Police found her in Barcelona, where she claimed she’d escaped her captors. However, when a medical examination found she had no injuries befitting a rape or kidnapping, the woman admitted the whole charade. And she did it all for a little nookie on the side. [Barcelona Reporter, Euro Weekly]