Last night, because “Kate Plus 8” is in limbo thanks to a certain someone (JON! That’s you!), TLC decided to air a special called “Kate: Her Story,” featuring Kate Gosselin being interviewed by Natalie Morales. Morales failed to ask really important questions—like, “How do you feel about Heidi Montag being you for Halloween?”—and basically just gave Kate a forum to cry and smear her smoky eye makeup. Since you probably couldn’t stomach the idea of watching the whole thing (plus, you were busy watching the World Series), here are the choicest quotes from the hour-long special.

Kate Gosselin, whose hair keeps getting bigger and waistline continues to shrink, sat down with “Today”‘s Natalie Morales for a one-hour interview set to air tonight on TLC. The “Today” Show aired a few minutes of the interview this morning, during their daily dose of Gosselin. We learned that Kate is still sad and Jon, who spoke out in a New York City synagogue last night with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, a spiritual adviser to the stars, “is sorry” for his bad-boy behavior in the months since he and Kate announced their divorce. He explains: “It’s hard for a man to stay home for two years and change diapers and make meals and deal with, like, doctors appointments and all the stuff you expect your wife to do.” So, naturally, when he got a taste of freedom, he had to, you know, do what a man has to do—neglect his kids and boink 22-year-olds! Clip above.

When Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dress up as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween, an angel bursts into flames. [Los Angeles, 10/29/09]

Kate Gosselin is so hot right now; you may already have her fabu hairdo. Or you might have a raccoon that digs through your trash that inspired you to be her for Halloween. Whether you worship the cable TV mother of the year or just have a lot of spare kids to dress up in costumes, here’s how you can recreate her reality-show chic on the cheap. Now that Kate’s back on the market and it’s Halloween, what better time to slut it up like a reality television fame whore?!

“I’ve done enough years on TV that I feel like it’s a normal, comfortable, natural place to be. I’d love to be in a movie at some point, I’d love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun.”

— Kate Gosselin answered “any and all reasonable questions” on last night’s episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” When a viewer asked if she wanted to ever marry again, Kate replied:

“To be honest, I don’t know. I really don’t want to be married again, but I don’t want to be alone. The alone-ness is really alone.”

Who knew you could feel so alone with eight kids under your thumb? [via People.com]

Michael K.‘s latest “Hot Slut of the Day” over at Dlisted is the mind-bogglingly weird Lady Elegance Hair Coloring Brush. WTF!? I don’t know what’s more bizarre: the idea of making a hairbrush that will excrete goo that will supposedly fetchingly dye your hair, or that people will actually buy a brush that purports to dye your hair in anything other than what surely must turn out to be a hot mess. You can buy it off Amazon for around $20, but why the heck would you want to do that? According to the product description, it “gives you perfect, at home hair color so you don’t have to spend a fortune at the salon.” Need further instructions? “Just fill this special brush with your color of choice, turn on and start coloring.” Why do I feel that would have disastrous consequences? Also, it requires batteries. Unless you’re going as Kate Gosselin for Halloween, I’m going to have to recommend a pass. [Dlisted]

“I’m trying to give them the grace to see, if they’re acting out of line, I’m trying to look deeper into why that is. Why the kids are acting out. Cause it’s all inter-related. I mean, they don’t see it, but it’s all interconnected.”

—Kate Gosselin talks to Vanity Fair about the interconnectedness of, you know, fame-hungry parents who bad-mouth each other to the media every chance they get and their kids having issues.

There are few things on TV that I love more than a “ripped from the headlines” episode of “Law & Order,” and tonight’s episode, airing at 10 p.m., sounds like such a doozy that I’ll have to figure out how to see it and “Paranormal Activity.” The drama that is Jon and Kate Gosselin and OctoMom Nadya Suleman gets the L&O treatment as fictional versions of them battle for a reality show about their broods (there were almost 20 kids on set). And, of course, there’s a murder. If you’re an NBC watcher, I’m not spoiling anything for you by telling you the Kate character gets offed. As a result, the regular characters and my man Jack McCoy end up intertwined in the strange world of reality TV. And one has to be interviewed as part of the show to get some evidence. “[The episode is] kind [of] about the insidious nature of reality TV and kind of our fascination [with it],” said executive producer Rene Balcer to AccessHollywood.com. And that sounds almost as good as some of my favorite reality shows. [NBC New York]

Jonand Kate Gosselinbrought this on. They won’t go away, and they’ve dragged their bad parenting blame game so far into the bright center of the media spotlight that it doesn’t even matter I never watched the show. I know who they are and occasionally find myself taking sides, which I shouldn’t. They both seem crazy. Poor kids are so “Truman Show”‘d, there’s probably no hope. But, they did get me thinking about all my old fantasies about having famous parents. The old “I’m really adopted, but one day my real parents will find me, and then everything’s gonna change around here ... ” fantasy. You know what I’m talking about…

It’s Wednesday again, and if you were lucky enough to get Columbus Day off, you probably didn’t even notice that the week is half over. Thankfully, we’re here to remind you that the best ‘bloids hit the newsstands today. Heaven forbid you actually pay for them, so we scooped them up in the wee hours of the morning, read them cover to glossy cover and picked out the most amazing, totally true (yeah, right) tidbits for you.

• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 in marital funds to Kate Gosselin by Oct. 26. If he doesn’t give it back, he faces contempt charges. [MSNBC]
• U.K. Bartender Lloyd Gardner helps catch rapist, then donates his police reward to the victim. [Lemondrop]
• Note to, well, everyone: Nudity does not make you ineligible for a shoplifting arrest. [Dumb As A Blog]—It only makes your situation more ridiculous.

Kate Gosselin apparently thinks the whole world is her spawn. Well, not really, but she pretended she does on Jay Leno’s “JMZ” last night. The infamous mommy scolded three photogs who were taking pictures of her while she was loading groceries into her car. She made them stop, saying, “Hey, what did Mommy say? I asked you to stop taking pictures.” One paparazzo got a time-out and another was forced into a car seat and given a stuffed animal. The vid’s funny, but we knew it was fake as soon as we saw that Kate only bought three bags of groceries. Dude, she has eight kids!

Today is the ninth birthday of Jon and Kate Gosselin’s two oldest kids, twins Cara and Maddy, and for their special day they get parents bad-mouthing each other to the public and fighting over custody! Happy birthday, girls! Last night Jon Gosselin appeared on yet another show, this time Entertainment Tonight, with some choice words for his estranged wife (clip above). And when some guy with a camera caught him taking a smoke break during a shopping spree in New York yesterday afternoon, Jon had no problem sharing a personal email he received from Kate proposing a change of custody on the twins’ birthday.

Jon Gosselin is quickly becoming the guy I would most like to throw something at. After his “I want Kate back” and “The show is bad for my kids” revelations last week, in an interview with Meredith Viera on “Today” this morning, Kate revealed that Jon has cleaned out their joint bank account. “He took $230,000 of the $231,000 we had,” she said. “I have a stack of bills. The last thing I wanted was to do this show and end up not being able to pay our bills.” This isn’t the first time a huge withdrawal has been made from the couple’s account. Kate says she squirreled away $100K from the account earlier in the year, but put it back as required by the couple’s separation requirement. As we speak, Kate’s attorneys are in court, trying to force Jon to return the money. [MSNBC]

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are reportedly donezo. Though nothing has been officially confirmed and the couple was seen together earlier this week, it would be a slightly shocking breakup, mostly for the alleged claim that Rihanna is JT’s other woman. After three years of on-again, off-again for Jessica and Justin, all it took was some sightings with the feisty singer to launch a truckload of rumors. [Terra] Though they might not be over IRL, it reminded us of some other shocking celebrity breakups!

Stop the divorce presses! We’ve heard via Popeater that Jon Gosselin has had a change of heart and now no longer wants to divorce Kate, who just a few weeks ago he accused of verbally abusing him and said he “despised.” Jon’s lawyer has put in a request that the divorce be stalled for 90 days. “I regret my conduct since Kate and I separated…I used poor judgment in publicly socializing with other women so soon,” he’s supposedly told In Touch magazine. “[This time will] enable Kate and me to restore our relationship as cooperative parents and to open up our lines of communication…Even though we were heading for a divorce, it appeared that Kate had been suffering from this divorce as much as I had. That’s why I asked my attorney to put the brakes on this divorce so I could try to regain control over the future of our family. So Kate and I could join on a cooperative course that would benefit our family—not destroy it.”

I don’t know, buddy. The skeptic in me says that the media frenzy has died down and he got the word that TLC was changing the show’s name from “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” to “Kate Plus Eight,” and asked himself, “What can I do to stay in the spotlight? Begging for forgiveness could work.” [In Touch via Popeater]

Kate Gosselin came onto the television scene with her husband Jon when “Jon and Kate Plus 8” began airing in 2008. Now, after a stint on “The View,” she’s ready to join a new panel talk show, aimed at working moms. “I’ve been given the gift of gab, so why not use it?” Gosselin told the audience at the Southern Women’s Show in Charlotte, NC, where she was answering questions and signing copies of her books. According to TVGuide.com, the panel will also include Food Network host Paula Deen and morning show vets Rene Syler (“The Early Show”) and Lee Woodruff (“Good Morning America”).

In our opinion, Kate isn’t the (only) reality star who should be given a talk show. A few of our suggestions after the jump.

Sorry to interrupt Fashion Week coverage, but we have a very important announcement to make regarding new developments in the highly controversial ongoing Kate Gosselin hair saga.

So, like, you know when you’ve given a friend some much-needed advice—you take the time to hear out all of her venting and pat her head during the shoulder crying and thoughtfully consider the best course to take and dispense pearls accordingly—and then they go ahead and do the opposite after all that? The masses have reached out to her in unison: Whether you’re Team Kate or not I think we can all agree that hers is the scariest haircut we’ve seen on any famous person since, god, I can’t even think of another example, so that’s really saying something. Despite the (favorable) uproar caused by her much prettier People magazine cover and mere days after she made a much blogged-about appearance on “The View” with a new ‘do that the ladies endorsed and even Gosselin herself acknowledged was cute, what does she do? She goes and makes a public appearance and, well, let’s just say she has regressed. The right photo, taken just hours ago at the Southern Women’s Show in Charlotte, NC makes us cry just a little.You know, like if we all cared. Because we don’t. OK, maybe just a little.

“Project Runway” winner Christian Siriano had some words for Kate Gosselin at Fashion’s Night Out last week. “Is she trying to rock my look?” he wondered. “If she was a real person, which at this point, now she is not, then I think it is a cool, cute look. I’d be like, ‘Oh lady, look at you, you look fabulous!’ Now she needs to up her game.”

Christian does, kind of, sort of, really have a point. I knew I’d seen the “Kate” cut before! [Us Weekly via Celebitchy]