My pal Stella* is going through a terrible breakup with a horrible man. Like most of us, Stella knows how to deal with their split (time, wine, chocolate, more wine, more time), but she was concerned about the bigger picture. Why had she gotten herself mixed up with this jackass in the first place? Or the moron before him? Or the cad prior to that one?
Being a sensible lady, Stella called her old therapist in order to get some perspective and guidance. Surely a licensed professional would have some clue.
Sure enough, she did. After giving my friend a dose of very tough love, Ms. Shrinky Dink gave her a list of questions to ask the next man she considers dating. According to the good doctor, the answers will tell her everything she needs to know before getting in too deep. Keep reading »
One of the more cringe-inducing memories I have of my teen years is playing the Buzzcocks’ “I Believe” over and over, as I sobbed alone in my twin-sized bed. In particular, the line “There. Is. No. Love. In. This. World. Any-moooooooore!” always sent me into paroxysms of tears. I was positive—one-hundred-percent convinced—that life would be perfect if only I had a boyfriend.
Boy, was I wrong! Keep reading »
As a wise man once told me, there’s not much a woman can do to make herself completely unappealing to every guy at a bar. After all, a bar contains all the essential elements to romance—booze, dim lighting, and the sweet, sweet smell of desperation.
However, as difficult as it is to come off as completely repellent—especially as last call approaches — there are some behaviors to steer away from. So whatever you do … Keep reading »
Let’s face it, the best thing about reality TV is its ability to make ourselves feel better about our own lives. Bumming ‘bout your bubble butt—hey, at least you’re not as large as the peeps on “The Biggest Loser.” Angry your boyfriend cheated? Jerry Springer will make you grateful he was banging some coworker, and not knocking up your mom.
Oddly enough, most of these shows seem to be trying to deliver a message or lesson. The problem is that there’s a huge discrepancy between What They Want You to Learn (WTWYTL) and the Actual Lessons Learned (ALL). Luckily, I’m here to translate.
Keep reading »
Remember when you were a kid and you couldn’t wait to get older? Whether it was a driver’s license, an ID that let you drink legally, or your own grown-up apartment, being older just seemed so much more glamorous. So mature.
Then at some point all the good parts about aging start to fall to the wayside. Instead of reaching maturity, you find yourself reaching for a box of Feria to cover the gray hair you just discovered. That ID you were once so happy to flash becomes a source of embarrassment as you realize the doorman is giving you the “this bitch is bringing down our cool-factor” face. The worst part—people no longer look surprised when you tell them your age.
Gulp. Keep reading »
At a long-ago birthday party, my cartoonist friend Peter gave me a framed piece of his artwork. As he handed it over, he said, “This is for you, so no matter what happens with him, it’s yours.” At the time I thought it was weird. After all, my boyfriend and I were never ever going to break up.
When my boyfriend dumped me a few months later, Peter’s painting was the first thing I packed.
Though The New York Post recently ran a story about couples signing “pre-prenups” before marriage is even on the table, most cohabiting, or even co-existing, couples don’t bother. I mean, if it’s legalities you want, either get married or go down to City Hall and register as domestic partners.
And besides, without kids or shared property, what’s the law going to do for you? Gifts are one thing, but what of the random detritus that gets left behind? Is Johnny Law really going to help you get your Ramones shirt back? Probably not. So most couples figure this stuff out themselves. Keep reading »