This week’s humpday brought on lots of, well, humping. If it’s not about baby daddys, baby mamas, or new relationships, it’s not in the tabloids this week. And let me remind you—it is the time of the season for loving. If you haven’t had a summer fling (or five), it’s time to claim yours and get in some kissing under the boardwalk. And because you should be busy with your summer lovin’, I’m going to recap this week’s tabloids so you can’t use reading them as an excuse to stay in tonight.

It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Or not? Tonight, an interview with Jon‘s first post-split piece of arm candy, Hailey Glassman, will air on E! News. She’s come out of hiding to claim she isn’t a fame whore, and insists that she’s totally in love with the daddy of eight. Oh yeah, and she admits the two were dating a month before Jon and Kate announced their split. Oops.

After the jump, more news about this dysfunctional fam.

Jon Gosselin took his daughter Leah to the UPS Store to help him pick out cards. Hopefully, he wasn’t sending cards to any of his girlfriends. [Reading, PA, 8/13/09]

Next week, get ready for a day off. Well, not actually a day-off day off, but a day off from incessant coverage of Megan Fox. On August 4th, manly websites across the blogosphere will stop giving the “Transformers” starlet so much attention. Doug Sheckler from 205th.com explains, “She needs to do more to earn our undying praise and affection. For instance, she hasn’t even returned any of my calls this year asking for a date. What’s up with that?”

Seriously, Megan, what is up with that? Can you believe that in the past year alone, her face was plastered to the front of Esquire, Empire, Maxim, GQ, Entertainment Weekly and Elle? If that’s not reason enough to boycott her, check out this video at Asylum on why blogs are choosing to put stories about the toe-thumbed actress on hold. [NY Daily News]

As for the Frisky, we’re totally psyched about this media blackout movement against Fox. In fact, there are a few other “celebrities” we think are deserving of blackout days. Mark your calendars.

Oh hooray! The tabloids are out! It’s a great time for celebrity news because everyone’s breaking up and then humping each other’s legs. Or they’re going on revenge diets, or falling in love all over again. It’s like the birds and the bees, but the birds have stingers, too. Ahhh, I love Hollywood.

How is Jon Gosselin getting so much action? I didn’t think it was possible for America to transfer their sympathy from emasculated Jon to heinous shebeast Kate Gosselin, but it’s happened. He’s been boppin’ from bed to bed and taking his tramps all around the world. He’s really proving how lame he is. Don’t let a guy like him happen to you! Check out this list of telltale signs you’re dating a loser. 

Last Saturday night, Jon Gosselin was spotted at a restaurant with a cute blonde. Turns out, she was Star magazine reporter Kate Major, who was writing a story on Jon. They claimed the relationship was strictly platonic. Until Wednesday, when Kate said, “I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did. I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him.” Then came the rumors that the two were partying together in Hamptons, very oddly with Lindsay Lohan’s dad. Then this morning, a message appeared on Star‘s website saying that Major had resigned. So what’s going on here?

Most fans of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” will admit that Kate Gosselin was a bit of a meanie before she and husband Jon decided to end their marriage. She berated him for the most miniscule of offenses, including breathing too loudly. When they announced their divorce on June 22, 62 percent of 102,000 PopEater readers took Jon’s side. Now, however, the tide is changing in Kate’s favor…

Jon Gosselin really knows how to play the field. First we thought he was a dating a 23-year-old schoolteacher who would be appearing on the TLC show. Then he was trotting off to France with Kate’s plastic surgeon’s daughter. Now the NY Daily News is reporting that the father-of-eight arrived and left a dinner party with a Star Magazine reporter. Jon sure is making the rounds, but we’re not so impressed with his choices. Here’s who we wish he’d go after.

• Jon Gosselin went to dinner with a woman that wasn’t Hailey Glassman. [Dlisted]—Playa, playa? I don’t think so.
• Nick Lachey insists there is no reunion planned between him and ex-wife Jessica Simpson, even though they’re both single now, but he wishes her the best. [People]
• Christina Milian finally confirmed that she does have plans to wed music producer The-Dream. [Us Weekly]—He’s not at all who I’d picture her with because he looks a little soft.

Jon Gosselin decided that after all that family time he spent at the Reading, PA, compound, it was time to get the hell out of dodge and see the world a little bit. So, what did ol’ Jonny do? He called up his new buddy, Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier, and got himself an invitation to hang on his yacht in Saint Tropez. He also decided to walk around France hand-in-hand with his new girlfriend just two weeks after Kate filed for divorce. And if that’s not enough JG news, his girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, is the daughter (she’s 22 years old) of Kate’s plastic surgeon. What a classy guy! Check out the couples posing for photos, at left, Hailey is in the button down and jeans. But wait! Apparently, the trip wasn’t all play…

This weekend, Jon Gosselin took his new girlfriend, 22-year-old Hailey Glassman, on a romantic trip to Europe. (FYI, Glassman is a different twentysomething woman than the one Gosselin cheated on his wife with.) Given the high-profile nature of Gosselin’s marriage, impending divorce, and, um, life, it’s hard to understand why anyone would be happy to be this guy’s, well, rebound. Is it just sex? Is Glassman hoping to get wined and dined with some of Gosselin’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8” dollars? Or, gasp, does she think it could be love?

• Jon Gosselin and his 22-year-old girlfriend Halley Glassman took their relationship public in Paris over the weekend. [PopEater]—I guess announcing your impending divorce is the same as getting divorced for some people.
• Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt turned one yesterday. [E! Online]—Who? Oh yeah.
• Channing Tatum wed Jenna Dewan in Malibu Saturday afternoon. [People]—Another hottie bites the dust!

• Detectives have ruled Steve McNair’s death a homicide, but they haven’t classified the death of his companion Sahel Kazemi. [TMZ]—Being “riddled with bullets” sounds like a rather painful way to die.
• Sam Ronson helped Lindsay Lohan celebrate her birthday last week. [Dlisted]
• Josh Duhamel has reportedly been using a stripper pole he and wife Fergie received as a wedding gift because his bride refused to use the device. [IMDB]—Surprising!

Would you like to date Jon Gosselin? Well, who wouldn’t? I know there’s nothing that lights a fire in my loins like a man who walks out on his wife, twins, and sextuplets. That is hot! Thankfully, it turns out that Gosselin is on Match.com. Yes, the ink may not yet be dry on the “Jon & Kate Plus 8” star’s divorce papers, but that doesn’t mean he’s not out there trolling the interwebs for young women looking to raise eight stepchildren and deal with a probably not very happy presumed to be soon-to-be ex-wife! So, what’s he looking for? Do you meet the demands of his dating profile needs? If you’ve got a non-asymmetrical haircut, you just might have a chance with the Goss. [Funny or Die]

According to Amazon, Kate Gosselin’s new book Love Is In The Mix: Making Meals Into Memories was supposed to be available on October 13. But now it looks like it’s going to be a little longer before anyone can snag a copy. It took seven days after Jon and Kate’s “surprise” announcement for Christian publisher Zondervan to realize that a cookbook filled with pictures of the happy family and advice on how to make lasting family memories didn’t quite fit the Gosselin’s current public image. Which is why Zondervan has pumped the brakes on the project and will work with Kate on revising the book for a later release date. To help speed up the process, here are a few pieces of Kate’s book I’d like to highlight for revision. [People]

Deanna Hummel, the 23-year-old teacher that Jon Gosselin supposedly cheated on his soon-to-be ex wife with may appear on the show when it returns on August 3. We don’t know what sort of role Deanna will have yet, but she’s probably going to be filmed since she may be a part of Jon’s life now. I think TLC is doing this to boost ratings—but they’re really going to eff up the kids in the process. Maybe they should just rename this show “Jon & Kate Plus A Butcher Knife Minus One?”  [LA Times]

Her smile is fake, the divorce is real…and we hope so is the ring. But we’re more confused by Kate Gosselin wearing a hat than anything! How can she deny the world the beauty that is her hair? [Reading, PA, 6/23/09]

Hello, perhaps you’ve been in a coma and are finally waking up after five months of unconsciousness. Allow me to get you up to speed: we have a new president, gay people can get married in Iowa now, your mom probably started Twittering, the world went ape-s**t over a Scottish woman with a nice voice and overgrown eyebrows, and that reality show on TLC with all the kids? The one with the sextuplets? You know, the show where the wife’s a real bitch and the husband’s totally lazy and they fight all the time in front of the kids? You haven’t heard of it? Well, it’s all anybody talks about these days — even more than the recession (yeah, that’s still going on)! Anyway, last night Jon and Kate — that’s the husband and wife on the show — announced that they’re separating and today TLC announced that they halting production of the show until August. Production will resume with the kids living at the house full-time, and Jon and Kate alternating. All of this makes me wonder whether the show will be renamed when it returns. I mean, how can they still call it “Jon and Kate Plus 8” when there’s not “Jon and Kate” anymore? After the jump, a few suggestions for a new title.