Here’s some advice, ladies. If you’re taking up with a tabloid sensation—like, oh, Jon Gosselin—it’s probably not a good idea for the two of you to handwrite a contract to each other as a way of foreplay. Radar Online has posted a contract that was supposedly composed and signed by Jon and Kate Major during one of their hotel trysts. In the contract, Kate II specifies that “I, Kate Major, will run any media inquires past Jon Gosselin” and “will not make any negative or disparaging remarks.” In return, Jon pledged that, “I, Jon Gosselin, will employ Kate Major as a personal assistant” and “[she] will receive a percentage of accounts.” Radar says that Kate plans to sue Jon based on this super legally airtight doc. Also complicated—that Kate was recently subpoenaed to testify in TLC’s law suit against Jon. If she tells the truth, can that be considered a disparaging remark? Honestly, I just don’t know whether to believe this thing is real. It’s basically scrawled on a cocktail napkin. [Radar]

I can almost hear the spoof bandwagon, carrying the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Kate Gosselin and Hailey Glassman, pulling away while Jon Gosselin runs behind—wearing Ed Hardy, natch—yelling, “Hey! Wait for me, guys!” It seems he caught up because this video shows Jon having an epiphany and realizing he needs to change his ways. Then, to the tune of Cher’s “Turn Back Time,” he chucks out his hairspray, puts his tacky clothes in a box, dons a collared shirt and fires his hot bikini-wearing DJ. It’s a good start, but he still has a long way to go. I’d say the next step would be disappearing. Forever.

Remember when Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin ran into each other in New York over the weekend? Unfortunately, the chance meeting gave Gosselin the chance to share parenting advice with Johnston, because he’s, you know, such a role model dad. Here’s what Levi told People magazine about his new bestie:

“He’s a good guy. He’s kind of in the same situation I am right now. He’s a good dad and he gets a lot of bad press. He’s getting the same bad image as I am and it ain’t true. I can relate to that. He was very positive and gave some good advice that I’m going to take.”

Poor Baby Tripp!

Jon Gosselin and Levi Johnston ran into each other in New York over the weekend when the two were both in town capitalizing on their 15 minutes before time’s up. Johnston was in the city to shoot his Playgirl spread and Gosselin was in NYC to shoot “promotional TV spots” (whatever that means). Somehow, they managed to find time in their busy schedules to pose for photos together in Times Square. Click over to the NY Daily News’ website to see the full image.

Last night, because “Kate Plus 8” is in limbo thanks to a certain someone (JON! That’s you!), TLC decided to air a special called “Kate: Her Story,” featuring Kate Gosselin being interviewed by Natalie Morales. Morales failed to ask really important questions—like, “How do you feel about Heidi Montag being you for Halloween?”—and basically just gave Kate a forum to cry and smear her smoky eye makeup. Since you probably couldn’t stomach the idea of watching the whole thing (plus, you were busy watching the World Series), here are the choicest quotes from the hour-long special.

Kate Gosselin, whose hair keeps getting bigger and waistline continues to shrink, sat down with “Today”‘s Natalie Morales for a one-hour interview set to air tonight on TLC. The “Today” Show aired a few minutes of the interview this morning, during their daily dose of Gosselin. We learned that Kate is still sad and Jon, who spoke out in a New York City synagogue last night with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, a spiritual adviser to the stars, “is sorry” for his bad-boy behavior in the months since he and Kate announced their divorce. He explains: “It’s hard for a man to stay home for two years and change diapers and make meals and deal with, like, doctors appointments and all the stuff you expect your wife to do.” So, naturally, when he got a taste of freedom, he had to, you know, do what a man has to do—neglect his kids and boink 22-year-olds! Clip above.

You know what’s far, far scarier than any horror movie you could rent this Halloween? The possibility that Jon Gosselin and Nadya Suleman might be doing a reality television special together where they date. In Touch Weekly reported this week that masochistic producer Bobby Goldstein, who was also behind “Cheaters” and “The Jerry Springer Show,” is working on said special, called “Jon - Kate = Jon + Octomom.” It features Jon “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like ... He’s totally creeped out by the idea that if they got married, they’d have 22 kids.” As soon as the story about the show appeared, Jon and Nadya’s reps were quick to send out denials. But several insiders have now told NY Daily News that the show is actually happening. “Jon’s camp got scared because they didn’t expect the story to come out so quickly. They figured they would issue a denial now,” explained one mysterious insider. “Both Jon and Nadya are each looking to bring in at least $1 million for doing the show. Jon definitely wants to do the show.” Goldstein adds that he is currently shopping the show around to networks, to potentially air as a two-hour special on Super Bowl Sunday. Why that day—because together this pair has enough kids to make a football team? Also, will we even remember these two that many months from now? Here’s hoping the answer is a big fat “no!” [NY Daily News]

When Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dress up as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween, an angel bursts into flames. [Los Angeles, 10/29/09]

In a tear-filled, two-part interview airing on “The Insider” tonight and tomorrow night, Jon Gosselin‘s girlfriend, 22-year-old Hailey Glassman, breaks down while talking about how her life has changed since she began seeing Jon. The above clip aired on “Good Morning America” earlier, with Hailey crying that Jon is abusing her by taking out his frustrations on her:

“He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’ He takes it out on me.”

• Nadya Suleman has revealed that she has the hots for Jon Gosselin. [Celebitchy]—Feel free to puke up your breakfast now.
• Joss Stone needs a tall man because she’s 5 foot 10 inches tall, and she seems to have her sights on Wentworth Miller from “Prison Break.” [OK! Magazine]—Maybe he also reads OK! and will holler at her now.
• Meryl Streep‘s daughter, Mamie Gummer, is engaged to actor boyfriend Ben Walker. [PopEater]

How, how, have Jon and Kate Gosselin managed to milk a disintegrating marriage into months worth of drama that just won’t leave us alone? The latest in the debacle: TLC is suing Jon, saying that he’s used his concerns over his kidlets to wiggle out of his contract with the network. Their version of the story goes like this: They tried to contact Jon to let him know their intentions to change the show from “Jon and Kate Plus 8” to simply “Kate Plus 8,” but were unable to reach him before making the public announcement. The day the news broke, the production company received a call from Jon’s lawyer, giving them an hour to release him from his contractual agreement. When they refused, he went public saying that he thought filming the show through the divorce was detrimental to his kids’ health and filed paperwork barring filming from continuing. Basically, he gave them the ultimate middle finger.

There are few things on TV that I love more than a “ripped from the headlines” episode of “Law & Order,” and tonight’s episode, airing at 10 p.m., sounds like such a doozy that I’ll have to figure out how to see it and “Paranormal Activity.” The drama that is Jon and Kate Gosselin and OctoMom Nadya Suleman gets the L&O treatment as fictional versions of them battle for a reality show about their broods (there were almost 20 kids on set). And, of course, there’s a murder. If you’re an NBC watcher, I’m not spoiling anything for you by telling you the Kate character gets offed. As a result, the regular characters and my man Jack McCoy end up intertwined in the strange world of reality TV. And one has to be interviewed as part of the show to get some evidence. “[The episode is] kind [of] about the insidious nature of reality TV and kind of our fascination [with it],” said executive producer Rene Balcer to AccessHollywood.com. And that sounds almost as good as some of my favorite reality shows. [NBC New York]

Jonand Kate Gosselinbrought this on. They won’t go away, and they’ve dragged their bad parenting blame game so far into the bright center of the media spotlight that it doesn’t even matter I never watched the show. I know who they are and occasionally find myself taking sides, which I shouldn’t. They both seem crazy. Poor kids are so “Truman Show”‘d, there’s probably no hope. But, they did get me thinking about all my old fantasies about having famous parents. The old “I’m really adopted, but one day my real parents will find me, and then everything’s gonna change around here ... ” fantasy. You know what I’m talking about…

It’s Wednesday again, and if you were lucky enough to get Columbus Day off, you probably didn’t even notice that the week is half over. Thankfully, we’re here to remind you that the best ‘bloids hit the newsstands today. Heaven forbid you actually pay for them, so we scooped them up in the wee hours of the morning, read them cover to glossy cover and picked out the most amazing, totally true (yeah, right) tidbits for you.

• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 in marital funds to Kate Gosselin by Oct. 26. If he doesn’t give it back, he faces contempt charges. [MSNBC]
• U.K. Bartender Lloyd Gardner helps catch rapist, then donates his police reward to the victim. [Lemondrop]
• Note to, well, everyone: Nudity does not make you ineligible for a shoplifting arrest. [Dumb As A Blog]—It only makes your situation more ridiculous.

Today is the ninth birthday of Jon and Kate Gosselin’s two oldest kids, twins Cara and Maddy, and for their special day they get parents bad-mouthing each other to the public and fighting over custody! Happy birthday, girls! Last night Jon Gosselin appeared on yet another show, this time Entertainment Tonight, with some choice words for his estranged wife (clip above). And when some guy with a camera caught him taking a smoke break during a shopping spree in New York yesterday afternoon, Jon had no problem sharing a personal email he received from Kate proposing a change of custody on the twins’ birthday.

Jon Gosselin just got served—and not by soon-to-be ex-wife Kate! The reality TV dad spent the weekend reportedly ransacking the couple’s joint bank account (he allegedly took $200,000, leaving Kate and the kids with a mere $1,000), and on Monday he brought his sideshow to “The Insider.” But he met his match in Nancy Grace because the “HLN” host would have none of it. Watch the video above as she rips him a new one, calling him out for his egotism and his dalliances with younger women.

Jon Gosselin is quickly becoming the guy I would most like to throw something at. After his “I want Kate back” and “The show is bad for my kids” revelations last week, in an interview with Meredith Viera on “Today” this morning, Kate revealed that Jon has cleaned out their joint bank account. “He took $230,000 of the $231,000 we had,” she said. “I have a stack of bills. The last thing I wanted was to do this show and end up not being able to pay our bills.” This isn’t the first time a huge withdrawal has been made from the couple’s account. Kate says she squirreled away $100K from the account earlier in the year, but put it back as required by the couple’s separation requirement. As we speak, Kate’s attorneys are in court, trying to force Jon to return the money. [MSNBC]

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are reportedly donezo. Though nothing has been officially confirmed and the couple was seen together earlier this week, it would be a slightly shocking breakup, mostly for the alleged claim that Rihanna is JT’s other woman. After three years of on-again, off-again for Jessica and Justin, all it took was some sightings with the feisty singer to launch a truckload of rumors. [Terra] Though they might not be over IRL, it reminded us of some other shocking celebrity breakups!

Poor Jon Gosselin has done a lot of soul-searching this week. After finding out that TLC would no longer be needing his services since “Jon & Kate Plus 8” is becoming “Kate Plus 8,” Jon has taken stock of his life and made a few serious realizations. First, he decided that he didn’t really want to divorce Kate, and had his lawyer file paperwork to try to stall the divorce for 90 days. This was not a lame attempt to get ink in this week’s tabloids, but a serious change of heart. Nice touch, being photographed with his girlfriend the next day.