Tag Archives: john devore

Mind Of Man: How To Get Over A Breakup

John DeVoreMarch 23, 2011 //
Welcome To Heartbreak
broken heart photo
Jessica is suddenly single. Find out what happened. Read More »
Definitely NOT The One
25 signs "The One" ain't him... Read More »

I’m single, which is working out great because I hate grooming. My ex is awesome, but between you and me and the internet, she could be a total bitch about “soap and water.” Whatever! Now I’m free to wallow in my own filth and believe me, I stink hard. Sure, I look like a lumberjack raised by monkeys, but that’s not why I go to the movies alone. I go to the movies alone because I might as well get used to it, seeing as that’s how I’m going to die. Alone. When I was younger, bourbon was my primary emotional coping mechanism. But since then, I’ve become an adult. Instead of drowning my feelings in delicious brown magic water, I express them to my bestest friends on Twitter. Why, just last night, I twooted the funniest twitter tweet, which was “WHY? #Why?” But I know why this happened and I think it’s related to that one time she said “I love you” and I responded “Baby Stewie is a hilarious character! A baby that speaks like people!” Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: Why Men Prefer “Innocent” Girls To “Whorey Slutosauruses”

John DeVoreMarch 9, 2011 //

This week’s column was inspired by a recent article on MarieClaire.com entitled “Why Men Prefer Innocent Girls To Bad Girls.”

The other day, some guys and I were chillaxing in my pal Josh’s sweet hot tub doing what guys do which is hang out and be real and we were discussing “innocent” girls versus “wang-hungry she-beasts.” Across the board, the guys agreed they prefer an “innocent” woman, like a nun or a coma patient or a 16-year-old girl, over a “bitch.” And then Josh was all “dude you got a boner” and everybody high-fived and a couple hours later we all put our clothes back on. Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: Why Frat Boys Are The New Hippies

John DeVoreMarch 3, 2011 //
mind of man photo

To those of you too busy reading about the historic uprisings in the Middle East, let me catch you up really quickly on the ongoing turmoil in the faraway country of Charlie Sheen. The millionaire sitcom star has been publicly self-destructing. Years of alleged substance abuse, marital problems and bizarre behaviors have, apparently, climaxed. Over the past week or so, he has seemingly divided like a cell into multiple versions of himself and simultaneously appeared on every live television talk show currently being produced. But like most modern celebrity scandals, the personal immolation we’re witnessing isn’t really about the vaguely human celebrity whose antics and flaws and outrageous moral lapses are beamed from dozens of differently shaped boxes directly to our brains. Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: Why You’re Not Married

John DeVoreFebruary 23, 2011 //

The reason you’re not married yet is because I don’t really care why you’re not married and no one else does, either. Seriously, nobody cares. You shouldn’t care. Marriage isn’t a tiara. It’s not a ribbon to cut or one of those big novelty lottery checks. You don’t “deserve” a husband. You’re not Veruca Salt. You should be happy with whatever life gives you, because the only thing you truly “deserve” is a grave, although there just aren’t enough funeral pyres in these modern times. But I don’t want you to freak out. If you’re not married, or single, or unhappy, then life is working out as it should. No one has a right to happiness. As Americans, we only have a right to the pursuit of happiness. This explains why we love cars so much. The road trip is more important than the tourist trap. Enjoy the view. Roll down the window. Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: How We Say “I Love You” (Without Actually Saying, “I Love You”)

John DeVoreFebruary 9, 2011 //

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we’re rerunning the very first Mind of Man which originally was published in February 2008. It’s an oldie, but SUCH a goodie.

OK ladies, check it out: We love you. We love watching your sleeping face glow on our 150-thread count pillowcases. We love that mischievous glint in your eyes that says both, “You know what I’m thinking” and “You have absolutely no idea what I’m thinking.” We love that momentary moment of punch-drunkenness when we catch a whiff of a new fragrance that makes you smell like flowers. (And we don’t even like flowers. Doesn’t anyone realize flowers are just the clown genitals of the vegetable kingdom?)

So there you have it — we love you. Can we move on now?

We didn’t think so. Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: Snow Sucks When You’re Single

John DeVoreFebruary 2, 2011 //

As I write this, the floating concrete mall known as Manhattan is experiencing a “wintery mix,” which is what happens when Old Man Winter has food poisoning. Walking to work this morning I got snow up my nose, elbowed in the fat wings by a grumpy Hobbit wrapped in scarves waiting for the subway, and went ankle deep in an enchanted ice puddle. It had to be enchanted, because I’m sure it laughed at me as I cursed. As a little kid, I was certain that snow was just God shaking a giant powdered donut over my house, but now that I am older, I know that snow is just Death’s dandruff. The winter is only enjoyed by Vikings, Tauntauns and people in relationships. Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: Why Men Cheat (The Abbreviated Version)

John DeVoreJanuary 20, 2011 //

So long as love rides shotgun in your life, nothing can ever truly be that bad. It is the singular prize that trumps all others, the reward that sweetens every success. Truly, it is the hot fudge on the ice cream scoops of personal achievement. Now, excuse me while I puke a little in my mouth. Actually, I’m going to shotgun a cheap beer and play some Grand Theft Auto 4 to make amends for such an unforgivably cheeseball observation. More on love and rewards and, ZOMG, trust, after the jump…. Plus, a fable!

Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: Why Douchebags Are Called Douchebags

John DeVoreJanuary 6, 2011 //

Douchebags were a conspiracy of the patriarchy, a medieval-looking invention that simultaneously suggested that female sex organs were filthy, stinky and repulsive to men, and promised to cure this imaginary affliction. But it doesn’t cure anything. Douchebags can, in fact, upset the natural bacterial culture of the vagina that protects the organ from infection.

There’s also the small matter that unwashed men and women can rid themselves of odorous funks by showering regularly, or even semi-regularly. Vaginas smell like sex and sex smells good. Nibble your lower lip and roll your eyes into the back of the skull good. It is one of those scents that inspire immediate physical reactions. The smell of warm bread makes you drool. The smell of a roaring fires makes you cuddly. The smell of sex makes your skin glow like the digital warriors in “Tron Legacy.” Keep reading »

John DeVore’s Best “Mind Of Man” Posts Of 2010

The FriskyDecember 29, 2010 //

While there are still a few days left in 2010, we’re going to feature some of our best and favorite posts from the last year. Each of your regular Frisky bloggers has picked out her 10 favorite posts from 2010—some you may remember well, others might have slipped past your radar. Either way, we hope you’ll relive the best of The Frisky in 2010. Here’s the wisdom our token male, John DeVore, shared this year. Keep reading »

Mind Of Man: New Year’s Resolutions Are For Suckers

John DeVoreDecember 23, 2010 //

The New Year always makes me melancholy. If New York had moors, I’d spend the New Year sulking around the fog in a billowy shirt with a raven on my shoulder. While everyone else says “hello” to the next 12 months, I usually spend this time of year reflecting on the past 12 months. I can’t predict what tomorrow will bring, but I know what yesterday wrought. New Year’s is a time of accounting for one’s actions instead of making odds and betting on what might be. While everyone is gorging on the cake of future opportunity, I’m picking over the leftovers of my decisions. Because, like history, stupidity repeats itself. My funky mood is practical, too. Fate is a sniper, and those people who whoop and holler at the strike of midnight make easy targets. I keep my head down. Keep reading »

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