Dear Taylor,

I am writing to offer you some unsolicited advice. I heard that rumor about you and ass hat, John Mayer.  Whether you are actually dating him or not (I really hope it’s just a rumor), I would like to point out that it’s a really bad idea to get involved/remain involved with him. Why? You are fresh meat; he is tainted meat. By scientific principle, tainted meat destroys fresh meat if they come within close proximity. See: E. coli. Taylor, I know from experience that bad boys will poison your life. Before you defend your feelings for Mr. Mayer, please hear me out. [Celebitchy]

“All I want to do now is f**k the girls I’ve already f**ked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ‘s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f**ked Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people? What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**king fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny,’ and then I see myself f**king Dimples? What does that say for my case?”

— John Mayer explaining to Rolling Stone magazine that the only thing that keeps him from effing every woman he meets is worrying about how Jen (Aniston) would feel about it. [via US Weekly]

“I’m a little freaked out about dating. So, I’m just going to let time pass and just do my thing. For some reason whoever I date has been famous for a while. I can’t sit here and be like, ‘Oh, please let me live my life in private with this famous person who’s been around for 15 years.’ The last thing you want is to see me doing is bashing my head going, ‘I’m shocked, that I’m being followed right now.’ ... I’m just going to hunker down. 2010 is a peaceful year for me no matter what I do.”

—Notorious playboy John Mayer tells Ellen DeGeneres his immediate dating plans on the set of her show yesterday. You may remember some of his famous exes include: Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Actually, John, bashing your head really isn’t the last thing we want to see you doing.

• LiLo wants John Mayer. [M&C]
• Alicia Keys’ video for “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart” is out. [PopBytes]
• Joe Simpson says his daughters aren’t “failures.” [Celebitchy]

Since Thanksgiving is a holiday about giving thanks, take a minute today to thank Hollywood for providing us with an endless supply of drama—no matter how slow the news week. And it must have been limping this week—all of the tabloids took up valuable gossip space with gift guides. Still, there’s lots of stories to share. So grab some mashed potatoes and take a minute to catch up on the super true goings-on of celebrity world.

• Two wild and crazy guys?: John Mayer and Gerard Butler bond over rumors of womanizing. [US Weekly]
• A conviction was handed down to the Ohio police chief accused of stealing from Sarah Jessica Parker’s surrogate. [CNN]
• A new ““New Moon”” debate: is Bella a good role model for young girls? [Entertainment Weekly]
• Cougars are now preying on vampires. [Dumb As A Blog]

“They say I’m a womanizer. I say I haven’t met enough women.”

—John Mayer to the crowd at a concert in Brooklyn, NY [New York Times]

• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are back together, according to People and Us Weekly. [Dlisted]—Yeah, she’s that pathetic, and he probably has another project to sell.
• Kimora Lee brought adorable baby Kenzo Lee Hounsou to work with her recently. [OK! Magazine]—His cuteness almost melted the coldness that has crept into my heart. Almost.

“Rumor check: went to gay bar in Palm Springs, yes. Had a blast. Danced my face off. Someone there planted a kiss on me? No. I don’t like the story painting gays as unable to control themselves. Found the crowd even more respectful than in a straight club. You know who the most flamboyant crowd is? Straight, drunk girls. They’re like a bunch of little Charles Nelson Reillys.”

— John Mayer, who once made out with blogger Perez Hilton, doing what he can to dispel rumors he had another gay kiss recently. [via US Weekly]

John Mayer has been trying to make Jennifer Aniston his girlfriend again. They always come back, don’t they ladies? First he dumped her via text message last August (ouch!) and then, after a brief reunion, broke up with her again in March. Apparently, now John has been begging her for another chance. The balladeer has gone boo-hoo for his Hollywood honey.

Sure, our own Erin and conventional wisdom say that in life you only get one chance. But in love, there are no rules. However, there is good advice, not to mention learning from your mistakes. That’s why I’m going to share with you the biggest relationship mistake I ever made.

Yesterday, after John Mayer headed to Twitter to shoot down rumors that he and Kristin Cavallari are dating, we shared with you one of the hilarious things he twoted about her. “My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli,” he said. But upon further exploration, we’ve noticed that is not the only amazing euphemism for sex that he wrote in this particular exchange. Here are some others:

• “I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari [sic] with my penis.”
• “We have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.”
• “I have never Bensoned her Hedges.”
• “Nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.” [Twitter]

That Mayer is all class. Care to pick a favorite sex descriptor?

Yesterday, after Fall Out Boy singer Patrick Stump was arrested for driving without a license, John Mayer admitted he’d been arrested for the same offense and then Twittered a challenge to Harvey Levin at TMZ: “produce my mugshot, [and] I will donate 25k to the charity of [your] choice.” He even gave a hint: “in the first half of the naughts, in the home of the Brave.” Mayer, it turns out, had been arrested in May 2001 in Atlanta (the case was dismissed the following month). TMZ did manage to score the mugshot, but The Smoking Gun beat them by about five minutes in publishing it. Still, John never said TMZ had to be the first site to produce the photo. So, true to his word, he coughed up $25,000 to be split between the two charities TMZ chose (Pet Orphans and Ace of Hearts, two animal shelters in California). Call it a creative publicity stunt, but I say it’s nice to see a celebrity arrest result in such a happy ending. [via TMZ]

I never understood how John Mayer gets so many women: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Aniston. Then, the September issue of Elle Decor arrived in my mailbox with Mayer’s New York City apartment on the cover. Sure, he got a little help from Giorgio Armani, but Mayer has it going on in the apartment department. His pad is simple, chic, and all grown-up. “I steer clear of bravado,” he told Elle Decor. “It detracts from who you really are.” This is a maxim he seems to have applied to his home decor—but not other aspects of his life. [ELLE Decor]

We’re not the only ones who aren’t especially feeling loads of sympathy for Perez Hilton. John Mayer and Perez have been tweeting back and forth all day, with Mayer (who denied Perez’s claim that the two made out) basically suggested that Perez has something to learn from the incident. Hilton haters like Travis McCoy (of Gym Class Heroes) and Kirstie Alley have expressed downright glee. And Kelly Clarkson? Well she just laughed. Check out her radio interview above and keep clicking to read some of what the celebrity Twitterverse has to say about the Perez Hilton assault.

People‘s Hottest Bachelors issue hits newsstands this Friday, and we’ve got the list. Among the supposedly best looking eligible men in Hollywood are few gentlemen who simply don’t do it for us. The offenders, after the jump.