Let’s start with the good: Jessica Biel‘s subtle, glowy makeup at the NYC “Total Recall” premiere is gorgeous and ethereal, her hair is as close to perfection as it can get with the distracting fringe, love the reptile pumps, and that ring must have cost a grand heap of “Sexy Back” royalties. This look almost — almost — gets it so right, but she had to go and make a goddamn travesty of a lovely dress by throwing on an inexplicable matching lace cape! Whyyyyy, Jessica? Did JT insist? Are you taking a page out of Natalie‘s book and getting married beneath a chuppah directly after the premiere, which would explain the need for covered shoulders? Were you just cold? How cold? Was Colin Farrell cold, too? Do tell.
Tuesday night, Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale showed up for the premiere of their new movie, “Total Recall.” I say new movie, but it’s really a redux of the ’90s classic, which starred Arnold Schwarzeneggar. Several of my friends are “Total Recall” purists, and refuse to see the new one, but whatever, it stars Colin Ferrell, and he’s great. What’s not so great? Jessica Biel’s pocketful Christian Dior dress. It’s slightly boxy, and the retro shape doesn’t really work on her. Plus? There are weird pockets on the boobs, which I suppose are great if you’re constantly losing your keys or something, but they just add to the wrongness of this silhouette. Kate Beckinsale, though? She looks incredible in this snake print-y Armani Privé. Total Hollywood glamor. Yup Jessica, let Kate show you how it’s done.
Relax, you guys: the code red alert for Jessica Biel’s bangs trauma has been lowered to third-degree orange! Just kidding, they still look terrible, but at least she’s is figuring out how to work with her unfortunate fringe, no? As seen at the photocall for her new movie “Total Recall” (a remake of the original 1990 film), this is one of my favorite looks that I’ve seen on Jess: soft-focus skin, very little on the eyes, and a rich pink-red lipstick (which seems to be Chanel Rouge Allure Velvet in La Fascinante) to bring the focus to her full lips and make her hazel eyes look greener. From the ears down I love the cool, beachy waves she’s sporting, but the bangs must go. I repeat: the bangs must go.
“I’ll be honest: [Justin] has better taste than I do … When I walk out of the closet after getting dressed in the morning, I’ll go like this [turns palms upward as if to say, 'Well?'] And he goes like this [shakes his head no]. Then he picks again. It’s hilarious.”
–Oh yes, Jessica Biel, it sounds totally hilarious. A laugh riot. Ugh, you guys are so boring. [People] Keep reading »
“[The first movie I remember seeing was] ‘The Goonies.’ I never identified with girls, and the cast was all boys. Girls were nervous about going into caves; they were scaredy-cats—and I wasn’t into that at all. I loved the idea of being with a crew and having an adventure. I was really interested in pits full of snakes … I [played with Barbies], but it was always, ‘Let’s play sex with Barbies!’ My Barbies were usually naked. Once, I took their heads off, cut their hair, drew on their short, spiky hair with some markers, then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year, we’d string our tree with those Barbie heads. It looked demonic. My parents were so cool—they saw it as a form of self-expression.”
– Jessica Biel in W magazine. I mean, we all simulated sex acts with our Barbie dolls and gave them weird haircuts, right? The part where she made their heads into Christmas ornaments was a little dark. But she’s got nothing on our screwed up childhood games. We don’t judge at all. [What is going on in the photo? Is she touching herself by a pool? -- Editor] [Celebitchy]
So much happens in a week! It’s hard to keep it all straight. That’s why we’re keeping track for you, with our new helpful charticle, Totally Awesome, Totally Crap, which highlights the best and worst of the past seven days. This week: We’re loving Adele giving the middle finger at the Brit Awards. You do not cut off Adele. We’re also super stoked that “Community” — the best, most underrated show on TV — will officially be returning on March 15. Also getting the thumbs up: Zac Efron “accidentally” dropping a condom at the premiere of his new movie, “The Lorax.” Hooray for using protection! I am secretly hoping it’s because he’s boning the Lorax.
Totally sucky this week? Rihanna recording a song with ex-lover/beater/total shitbird Chris Brown. We’re also kind of disgusted that Bobby Brown is writing a tell-all. Too soon! Plus, what don’t we know about you after we watched you pull poop out of Whitney’s ass on your reality show? Beyond that — is there no such thing as deep, unabiding, trustful love anymore? Jessica Biel doesn’t think so, which is why she’s reportedly making Justin Timberlake sign a pre-nup that grants her at least $500,000 every time he cheats. True love is dead.