It’s hump day again and since it’s the holiday season, we wish goodwill towards men. Except when those men go around shtupping a dozen ladies on the side, breaking hearts, and impregnating uteruses. And just so we always know who the bad guys are, we scrounge up all the totally, kinda true rumors about everyone and lay it out for your amusement, one tabloid at a time. These are the days of our lives, people.

Even if you don’t give two figs about the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie triangulated love mess, we’re sure you’ll find a recent excerpt of the forthcoming book Brangelina dishy. Brad is a pothead! Jen had two miscarriages! Angelina has a horrible temper! And that’s not all ...

Since Thanksgiving is a holiday about giving thanks, take a minute today to thank Hollywood for providing us with an endless supply of drama—no matter how slow the news week. And it must have been limping this week—all of the tabloids took up valuable gossip space with gift guides. Still, there’s lots of stories to share. So grab some mashed potatoes and take a minute to catch up on the super true goings-on of celebrity world.

“I mean, someone with a figure like Jennifer Aniston has a trainer, a cook spinning out some version of the latest diet, and probably a stop at the tanning salon. Then teenage girls go, ‘God, I wish I could look like that.’ Maybe they wouldn’t if they knew what it took.’”

—Amanda Peet on how much work it takes to have a figure like Jennifer Aniston in Parade [Showbiz Spy]

• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are back together, according to People and Us Weekly. [Dlisted]—Yeah, she’s that pathetic, and he probably has another project to sell.
• Kimora Lee brought adorable baby Kenzo Lee Hounsou to work with her recently. [OK! Magazine]—His cuteness almost melted the coldness that has crept into my heart. Almost.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are reportedly donezo. Though nothing has been officially confirmed and the couple was seen together earlier this week, it would be a slightly shocking breakup, mostly for the alleged claim that Rihanna is JT’s other woman. After three years of on-again, off-again for Jessica and Justin, all it took was some sightings with the feisty singer to launch a truckload of rumors. [Terra] Though they might not be over IRL, it reminded us of some other shocking celebrity breakups!

It’s the middle of the week, your boss totally hates you (he/she’s such a jerk!), you forgot to Tivo “90210” last night, and the coffee machine is broken again. Your life totally sucks. Fear not! You will forget all the drama of your stress-infused life once you get a load of this week’s tabloid stories. After the jump, we’ve compiled all the questionable headlines from this week’s crop of ‘bloids, so you can impress your water cooler friends and distract yourself from the follies of hump day.

Danielle Staub of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” has some serious beef with Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was recently a guest on “Chelsea Lately” to talk about her flick “The Bounty,” which was filmed in Atlantic City, New Jersey. At one point during the show, Aniston quipped simply, “What is with that smell?” This got Staub very riled up. She ranted to Us Weekly, “Why don’t you see more of New Jersey before you say it smells? If it were so bad, I wouldn’t be living here for 22 years. I will personalize a tour and take her to a fabulous lunch on me afterwards, all homemade Italian food, and a tour of all the wonderfully smelling places in New Jersey.” [NY Daily News]

I get the state pride, but who cares if someone thinks your state smells? Real Housewives, that’s who. But Aniston isn’t the only celeb to speak ill of a state or city. Here are a few other celebs who totally hate America, kinda! 

John Mayer has been trying to make Jennifer Aniston his girlfriend again. They always come back, don’t they ladies? First he dumped her via text message last August (ouch!) and then, after a brief reunion, broke up with her again in March. Apparently, now John has been begging her for another chance. The balladeer has gone boo-hoo for his Hollywood honey.

Sure, our own Erin and conventional wisdom say that in life you only get one chance. But in love, there are no rules. However, there is good advice, not to mention learning from your mistakes. That’s why I’m going to share with you the biggest relationship mistake I ever made.

Yesterday, Jennifer Aniston appeared on “Ellen,” and made the mistake of telling the soon-to-be “American Idol” judge that she’ll be singing and playing the steel drum in “The Goree Girls,” a movie about a group of women in prison who form a country western band and became the Dixie Chicks of their time. So, of course, Ellen prodded her into singing. Turns out, Jennifer was kind of good. Or at least, better than one would have expected. “I would put you through to the next round,” said Ellen. We just wish she’d chimed in for a duet.

A few days back, Jennifer Aniston said that she still believes in love. Now that she’s promoting her flick “Love Happens,” she won’t shut up about it. In this interview, Jen seems a little disoriented and we aren’t really surprised because love isn’t exactly Jen’s strong suit. The interview really deteriorates when the actress compares trying too hard in a relationship to selling a car. She then mixes metaphors and talks about going into a “rental” situation and compares a relationship to the structure of a house. The interviewer adds that he’d like an option to buy, presumably if “love happens,” and I start to wonder if I’m watching a home makeover show.

Despite being America’s favorite broken-hearted sweetheart, to promote her new movie, “Love Happens,” Jennifer Aniston confessed to Australian Harper’s Bazaar that she’s still very hopeful. “I’m still a romantic,” she said. “I still believe in love.” [Celebitchy]

Awww ... I don’t know if Jen’s serious or if she’s just trying to trick us into thinking that she’s really falling for Aaron Eckhart so we go see the movie. Since Jennifer isn’t the only lady in Hollywood who’s had a rough ride on the relationship train, I thought I’d look up what some other unlucky in love ladies have to say about romance. And they were pretty easy to find by searching John Mayer‘s exes.

They must be handing out parenting awards these days because Jennifer Aniston—who, uh, doesn’t have children—has won one. She didn’t technically do any parenting for the award, but the actress narrated an accompanying CD to kids’ book Loukoumi’s Good Deeds. Along with her father, “Days of Our Lives” actor John Aniston, Jennifer Aniston recorded the story of Loukoumi, a fluffy lamb who does kind things for other people. And Loukoumi’s benevolence keeps giving because the profits from the book go to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. In total, all of these little acts of kindness have done parenting proud and so Aniston has won herself a pretty prize, the outstanding award at the iParenting Media Awards 2009. I hope they gave her a sticker that said “Outstanding!” on it, like the ones I used to get at the dentist’s office. [Sky Showbiz]

Hopefully this isn’t a reflection of the entertainment value of the movie he’s filming with co-star Jennifer Aniston (who seems to have fallen asleep herself). [Sleepy Hollow, NY, 8/7/09]

Jennifer Aniston lets it all hang out in the September issue of Elle. The actress graces the cover of the mag in a fierce leather dress, looking as confident as ever. And she sounds that way, too. After being dubbed “the lonely girl” by pretty much every tabloid magazine and gossip show ever, Jen seems nothing but awesome as she speaks out about her single status, her childhood, and how she’d loved to have worked in microsurgery if you know, that whole acting thing hadn’t work out for her. The full interview with Jen will hit newsstands soon, but here are the best bits to tide you over. [Elle]

Jennifer Aniston will star in the upcoming film “Pumas,” directed by Wayne McClammy (yes, that is his name and it’s already funnier than this movie could ever be), about two thirtysomething women who make a habit of romancing younger men and “take a French skiing vacation that challenges their romantic expectations.” “Pumas,” for those not in the (lame-slang-term) know, are similar to “cougars” only younger by about a decade. Coincidentally, you may remember that Courteney Cox Arquette, Aniston’s bestie, is working on a TV show called “Cougar Town.” We’ve heard rumors that there’s been a rift between the pair, so could this be Jen’s way of stickin’ it to Court and being, like, “Nanana, I’m younger”? Whatevs, all I know is that both of these projects are going to be tragic. [Variety]

It looks like Gerard Butler might have overly embraced his role in “The Ugly Truth” as a brash womanizer. Instead of denying rumors that he’s had affairs with his co-stars, he’s gladly fanning them! In an interview, Butler said:

“That’s how I live my life. Conan asked me about [Jennifer] Aniston, who is my co-star in the movie I’m making now, and I just said, ‘Yeah, we’re getting married. What the hell.’ Tell a joke, that’s my technique. But, I’m careful to also say that I’m marrying Cameron Diaz and maybe Joan Rivers. I like to tell everyone I’m going to be a busy guy.”

Smart move or is he playing up the bad boy routine a bit too much?

“Her personality gives off a distinct air of milquetoast.” Or so says a source who works on the set of “The Bounty,” which Aniston is currently filming. If you’re wondering WTF that even means, here’s the Dictionary.com definition:

milque⋅toast  [milk-tohst] – noun (sometimes initial capital letter) a very timid, unassertive, spineless person, esp. one who is easily dominated or intimidated: a milquetoast who’s afraid to ask for a raise.