The smarter you are, the harder it is for you to get laid. Well, that’s what Dr. Alex Benzer, a Harvard man thinks. The Ivy League snob believes his fellow private college geniuses (yes, he even listed specific schools that qualify) suffer under the weight of their giant brains. So, in a piece for the Huffington Post, he gave his five reasons why smarties can’t get in anyone’s pants. Here are the Cliff’s Notes style version for us lazy students, plus five of our own theories…

In case you haven’t noticed, the stock market took a nosedive this week. The rest of us are left worried about investments, bank stability, and mortgages. But what about the men of Wall Street, who are getting screwed over by their employers: How are they looking to handle this mess? They’re looking to get screwed on Craigslist. Instead of looking for their next jobs, they’re trolling for the hand and blow kind of jobs online. Who can blame them? Life’s too short not to take a half-naked photo of yourself and boast about your Ivy league education on a free internet message board. Some guys are looking to wine and dine a new girlfriend, and some guys are looking to host orgies with posts titled: “Was Laid Off from Lehman Brothers—Sex Party Time!” 

What happens when a bunch of hormone-ridden college co-eds party together week after week?  Apparently nothing.  Hot fantasies aside, the cold hard data is in. Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus, has filed her report. While the number of nuns may be dropping, the number of women who qualify is rising—39% of women enter college as virgins, and 31% leave with a degree and their “purity” too. For male students, their annual number has dropped from 2.1 partners in 2001 to 1.6 in 2006 (but we’re sure they’re really missing the best .5 of a lady). It’s really a sad state of affairs, especially at the Ivy Leagues. While they were able to slip into Harvard, nearly half the undergrads claim they don’t have carnal knowledge. Aren’t the smarty-pants the ones we want to procreate? The good news is, thanks to DIY media (from ‘zines to the internet), students are documenting their sexual experiences in record numbers. So while the pickin’s may be slim, they are juicy!

After years of studying and not getting laid just so they could get into Yale, some Zeta Psi recruits have officially blown their chances of ever enjoying a woman’s touch. The freshmen frat wannabes posted a picture on Facebook of themselves in front of the Women’s Center on campus with a sign that read, “We Love Yale Sluts”. The misogynistic mayhem culminated with a chorus of, “Dick! Dick! Dick!” (We’d expect more from the Ivy League, but bare in mind this is G.W. Bush’s alma mater.)  Needless to say, the women on campus have pledged to never put out for Zeta Psi and the administration is debating whether they will sue for the inflammatory sign. Looks like sluts aren’t just well loved, they also rule the school. [Yale Daily News]