I don’t think I heard my mom swear much until I was over twenty. I don’t know if it was her über-Midwestern upbringing, or if that would be too precious a stereotype to apply to a woman who also raised me on action movies (like explosions-action-movies), who owned and read Steven King’s entire oeuvre, who managed Muddy Waters, who laughed off religious relatives’ objections to me “practicing” Wicca in middle school, who begrudged but didn’t stop me from dying my hair bright red and getting tattoos, and who, in general, is a pretty tough broad.
But she didn’t swear much. Like, practically never. She did the washing-our-mouths-with-soap thing, and when I swore in front of her the first time in the car (I let “who the hell is that?” slip when I was 10), she slammed on the brakes and turned to me, aghast.
This didn’t rub off on me, of course — fuck that shit. I’m thrilled I’ve found a job where I can swear at only a slightly-less-than-in-real-life sort of rate when I write. That being said, I find that my mom’s old habit of coming up with colorful, narrative, or absurd ways to tell people she did not give fucks or that they needed to buzz off without swearing can be both effective and disorienting to the person receiving the insult. To that end, I’ve come up with some of my own ways to tell people I don’t care… Keep reading »
I love a reality TV villain. Going all the way back to the first season of “Survivor,” when I rooted for Richard Hatch to win, my favorite reality TV stars have always been the conniving and backstabbing ones, who toss out razor-edged insults without fearing the consequences. Remember how much I loved Courtney Robertson during Ben Flajnik’s season of “The Bachelor”? I mean, if they have a touch of sociopath in them, all the better.
That’s why I am obsessed with Stassi Schroeder on “Vanderpump Rules,” the Bravo spinoff of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Stassi is a waitress at SUR, the restaurant owned by “RHOBH” cast member Lisa Vanderpump, and is frequently at odds with her friends/coworkers and her on/off boyfriend Jax. And when Stassi is at odds with someone, WATCH OUT. Stassi is known for her wildly over-the-top and often violent-sounding “threats”; in her on-camera interviews, she often goes off on long, fantastical tangents about what she’d like to do to certain people. They’re really quite clever, especially when they’re directed at her lying, cheating whipping boy, Jax. She’s basically the High Priestess Of Castration. Inspirational!
Now, I’m not suggesting you start threatening people left and right, over petty shit like Stassi does — but I do suggest you put some of these Stassi-isms in your back pocket, to pull out the next time someone does you wrong. For example… Keep reading »
Boner. It hasn’t always referred to a penis, you know. In fact, in the early ’80s, there was a sitcom character named Boner, that had absolutely nothing to do with erections. But for those of us born in the ’90s, the term will likely be linked to hard-ons.
There are quite a few words like this — words that may have started out innocently enough but are now “not-ready-for-prime-time” terms. We thought it’d be interesting to explore where words like douchebag, twat and cunt came from. It’s not always where you’d think!
“Millionaire Matchmaker” Patti Stanger’s mission is to help rich jerks find true love, but if she happens to throw a few harsh insults in the faces of her unwitting potential matches, well, it’s all in good fun (and good television). Our friends over at New York compiled some of Patti’s most egregious moments of verbal diarrhea for our viewing pleasure. Enjoy, and be glad you’re not in Patti’s path. [NY Mag]
This has been the summer of strange bikini waxing experiences. First, a waxer I found through a Living Social deal was a double-dipper. Then last week, I tried another waxer, who I found through Groupon. I had a rather pleasant experience, but something the esthetician said has confused me, and I’m not sure if I should be insulted or thankful she was trying to help me. Keep reading »
Sometimes throwing a good, rollicking insult in your head is the only thing that will make you feel better about a particularly crappy person. Whether it be the bitchy checkout lady who will not let you return the shirt you purchased just yesterday because you don’t have a receipt (happened), or a lame dude on the subway who needlessly rubbed up against you (double happened). But insults, the ones that work for you, are a very particular and unique thing. For instance, my insult of choice is “baby genius,” derived from the 1999 movie starring Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd of the same name. (Which, just so you know, has been described as a “live action ‘Rugrats.’”) I LOVE IT. It’s condescending and patronizing, it’s not a swear word, so you can say it aloud and not offend any grandmas. Like this: “Who is the baby genius who decided to leave all the windows open and turn the air conditioner on?” See what I’m saying? After the jump, the rest of The Frisky staff tell you what their favorite insults are. Tell us what your favorites are in the comments! Keep reading »