Tag Archives: humor

Holiday Sexcapades: Expectation Vs. Reality

We always have high hopes for the romantic and sexual potential of the holidays. Snow is falling, fires are burning (both literally and figuratively), and we’re ready to get it on! Sadly though, like so many other aspects of the holidays, the reality of our yuletide hookups often looks much, much different than our expectations, and not in a good way. Let’s break down the divergence of fantasy and reality in painfully graphic detail, shall we? Keep reading »

This Family’s “Christmas Jammies” Rap Is A Gift To The World

Christmas Jammies Family Rap Video
Best Christmas Newsletter Ever

The most exciting thing to be found in a traditional Christmas newsletter is usually a clever pun or the audacious use of Comic Sans in multiple colors. The Holderness family decided it was time to shake up the Christmas newsletter format, so they made theirs in video form, while wearing matching “Xmas Jammies,” and rapped about all their important life updates — including a triathlon, a bit part in “Iron Man 3,” a dance recital, and a vasectomy — to the tune of Will Smith’s “Welcome To Miami.” And, well, it’s just as corny and hilarious and amazing as it sounds. [YouTube]

“You Shall Not Pass, Dog” Captures The Best Of Cat Vs. Dog Dynamics

You Shall Not Pass, Dog!

Pets! They’re weird. Weirdest of all, perhaps, is the unspoken dynamic between cats and dogs. Believed to despise one another, so much so that there is an animated movie about it (and a sequel!), it’s really much less of an outright hatred and more just an implied narrative of canine fear. Most cats don’t even do anything; dogs are just inherently terrified of them. Sittin’ at the top of the stairs, at the end of the hallway, on the kitchen counter … wherever cats may be, dogs refuse to pass them. The fear seems unfounded until the dogs are actually coaxed into moving — then you see that a cat’s strongest instinct, its most base pleasure of all, is to snag a dog’s tail in passing. Woof! I submit as proof this excellent compilation, entitled “You Shall Not Pass, Dog.” It is just over 3 glorious minutes of silly dogs with the fear of God in ‘em as they attempt, and fail, to venture past sitting cats. [via Time]

10 Assorted Observations From An Elderly Man Watching “Home Alone” For The First Time

Honest Trailer: "Home Alone"
Home Alone Honest Trailer
"Home Alone" is way more intense than you remember. Read More »
Annoying Holiday Questions
17 Totally Acceptable Ways To Respond To Annoying Holiday Questions
And 17 totally acceptable ways to respond to them. Read More »

This weekend I achieved a lifelong dream of seeing a special holiday screening of “Home Alone” on the big screen at a local movie theater. I’m sure I saw it at the theater when it first came out, but I can’t remember (I was 5 at the time), so I jumped at the chance to get the full “Home Alone” movie theater experience as an adult. In fact, when Nick and I saw the poster up outside the theater a few weeks ago, we literally ran in to the box office and breathlessly begged the guy at the counter to dig us up two tickets to the surely sold-out show. He laughed and said we were the first ones to even ask about it. Needless to say, on Saturday we had the best seats in the house.

The movie was as great as it always is, but the movie theater setting came with an unexpected perk: I sat next to a very chatty old man who had apparently never seen “Home Alone” before. He narrated pretty much the entire movie as I struggled to stifle my laughter. Here are some of his quotes that were just too good not to share: Keep reading »

British Bookseller Waterstones Overshadows Amazon’s New Drone Program

Genius!

Sorry, Amazon: your robot drone delivery program just got one-upped, in terms of both efficiency and novelty. The future of delivery will not be dependent on technology, but rather winged animals — that is, if one British book retail giant has any say in it. Waterstones has trounced Amazon’s plans (which, really, now seem quaint in comparison) by announcing the introduction of their O.W.L.S., or Ornithological Waterstones Landing Service. A fleet of specially trained owls will be ordained with the task of delivering your Waterstones package within 30 minutes. Dispiritingly, this is only proposed as a future plan: as the bookseller’s appropriately named press manager, Jon Owls, reasons, “It takes ages to train owls to do anything, and we only just thought of it this morning.” [Refinery29]

Italian Lady Explains All The Italian Hand Gestures You Need To Know (NSFW)

italian hand gestures
Parlare Come Un Italiano!

During all the years I studied Italian, I never learned much of the important stuff I needed in Italy, like “Only with a condom on!” and “Get your hand out of my purse, you fucking pickpocket scum.” Too bad comedian Veronika Poli wasn’t around. Here are all of the hand gestures you need to know to tell someone to fuck off or shut up, or draw more attention your boobs. The only other thing you need to know is to bring your own condoms and just shake it in their face. [Laughing Squid]

Your First Black Girlfriend Is Sparing You The Future Embarrassment

You Can Touch Her Hair, But Your Friends Can't!

Hey guys, meet your first black girlfriend! Her name is Akilah Hughes, and she’s a writer and comedienne. Lucky for you, this isn’t her first time at the interracial relationship rodeo — so she knows exactly what to say when it comes to the “unspoken anxiety” and those “cringe-worthy moments” that are pretty much an inevitable part of the “white guy falls for black girl, foot-in-mouth syndrome ensues” narrative. In fact, she’s so familiar with it that she’s gone right ahead and cleared some of the big questions up for you in one brief, hilarious video. So go ahead and get the fried chicken. She doesn’t care! [via Refinery29]

Watch This: Finally, An Honest Trailer For “Home Alone”

Home Alone Honest Trailer
It's One Part "Ferris Bueller" And One Part "Saw"

A few years ago, my brother and I were sitting at a coffee shop, and all of a sudden he got this really horrified look on his face and said, “Do you realize at the end of ‘Home Alone,’ Joe Pesci was about to bite off all of Macaulay Culkin’s fingers, and he totally would have if that old man hadn’t walked in and knocked him out with a snow shovel?”

Daaaaaamn,” I said, and we both just sat there, contemplating the crazy, violent fever dream that was our favorite childhood Christmas movie. Don’t get me wrong, I still love “Home Alone,” it’s just that if it had been marketed honestly, well, the trailer would looked a lot more like the one above. [YouTube]

College Students, Wear This To Thanksgiving And Thank Us Later

Dysfunctional Family Bingo
Dysfunctional Family Thanksgiving Bingo
The perfect game for Thanksgiving! Read More »
Pie Chart: Mom Comments
Anatomy of a passive aggressive mom comment
The anatomy of a passive aggressive mom comment. Read More »
Annoying Holiday Questions
17 Totally Acceptable Ways To Respond To Annoying Holiday Questions
And 17 totally acceptable ways to respond to them. Read More »
Antisocial Thanksgiving Sweatshirt

Dear College Students,

This Thanksgiving, you could peruse our list of responses to all the annoying questions your distant relatives are going to ask you. Or you could just wear this shirt and avoid all those questions from the get-go. Your call. [Twitter]

These “Advanced Scarfing Techniques” Will Blow Your Mind And Keep Your Neck Warm

Advanced Scarfing Techniques
Learn "The Jetpack," "Bowie's Elbow," And More!

The internet is full of scarf-tying tutorials. Here are 15 of them. But if you really want to step up your scarf game and stand out from the crowd, you definitely need to watch this “Advanced Scarfing Techniques” video, in which a very nervous man models some innovative scarf configurations for people who are “frightened and confused by scarves.” I’m totally adding “The Jet Pack” and “The Frightened Leper” to my scarf-tying repertoire. [YouTube via The Mary Sue]

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