No boyfriend? No problem. All you really need to celebrate this tres romantic Hallmark holiday is a feline friend or two. Just ask this gentleman, who spends much of his free time serenading his cat with Seal’s classic love song “Kiss From A Rose.” No shame in that, guy! If all else fails, and your cat just isn’t satisfying your emotional needs, why not browse the Purrsonals to see if you can find a mate for life? Just make sure your cat approves first. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. And listen, things could be worse; you could be Henri. Here are five things I’ll be doing with my cats this Valentine’s Day — I urge you to follow my lead and take your meow machines out to a beautiful candlelit dinner. They sure deserve it for putting up with your shit. Keep reading »
It used to be that a lady only had to be on the lookout for Axe Body Wash as a demarcation of doucheitude in a man’s shower. But if the next time you hop in your dude’s no-doubt-scum-covered tub and you catch a whiff of bacon, urinal cake, or Republicanism — or worse, all three — book it out of there with shampoo in your hair. Your dude washes himself with “ManHands,” soaps for the manly man. Keep reading »
As a child of pop culture, it should come as no little surprise that most of my psyche was formed by various cartoon and film studios and is tragically underequipped to manage real life, even to this day, which is why you can only find me on the Internet, as I tend to shun the sun like some kind of eyeless deep-cave newt.
While you can easily rely on film to teach you how to deal with everyday situations like terrorism, dinosaurs and hangovers, the sad truth is that the formation of one’s sexual identity is probably something best not placed in the hands of Bruce Willis or National Lampoon. I mean, I think.
As it happens, my sexual awakening was a slow, shameful thing spurred by a handful of pop culture icons that, for one reason or another, stirred something vaguely confusing deep inside me, and will now be used to stir something vaguely off-putting in all of you. Read more…
I like to think of myself as a very refined person with very refined tastes. Sure, I watch reruns of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami” on the treadmill, and you may find the errant Rihanna hit on my iPod. I also enjoy a Mike’s Hard Lemonade from time to time, and have a hard time cutting an apple. But besides all that stuff, I am an intellectual, a sophisticate, an epicurean, and a scholar. Yep. All of those. Which is exactly why I am so disgustingly ashamed by how much I enjoy the comedic stylings (if you could call it that) of Andy Milonakis, the former star of MTV’s “The Andy Milonakis Show,” who is instantly recognizable due in part to a growth-hormone condition that renders him forever 12. Aside from being one third of hip-hop group ¡Three Loco! alongside RiFF RaFF and Dirt Nasty, Milonakis is the host of a new web series, a cooking show called “Makeshift Gourmet.” The first installment chronicles Andy as he puts a high-end spin on Hamburger Helper using “elevated ingredients,” and better still, the weirdness of it all is punctuated by the appearance of a giggly, sunglasses-clad David Arquette, who eats raw Wagyu beef before participating in a “beef slap.” God love ya, Andy. And David, too. [Huffington Post]
The Kama Sutra is the world’s most famous guide to the art of love. But it’s an ancient Hindu text that’s about over 2,000 years old. It’s time someone updated it with the latest advances in bedroom fun that can be had.
Have you and your partner ever done it Gangnam Style? Tried the honey badger? How about the Zuckerberg plunge?
If not, time to school yourself! Read more…
If you’ve yet to hear of the brothers Brant, you are very fortunate. You are also not a subscriber and/or reader of Vanity Fair, where they were profiled back in September. That story’s title says it all: “Little Lord Flauntleroys.” Peter, 18, and Harry, 15, are the
split-manifestation antichrist sons of publishing mogul Peter Brant Sr. and supermodel Stephanie Seymour (and yes, you may recognize Peter from that ill-advised beachside photo in which he is both groping and smooching his mother on the lips), and frankly they are beyond words. They’re kind of like the gay Hilton sisters except worse in that they’re both fucking terrible (Nicky is, after all, pretty inoffensive), but unlike the Hilton sisters they are a) “high society” and b) one of them Tweeted about assassinating the president. Seriously. Alas, the Brant brothers have reached their zeitgeist saturation point: a satirical Tumblr now exists in their name. Keep reading »
No one ever really asked what the bros had to say about the Republican “war on women.” Which was sad, really, because they stood to lose quite a lot of blowies if we all had to be barefoot and pregnant. They will be ignored no longer! Now Sarah Silverman is putting that whole having-dated-Jimmy-Kimmel thing to good use and is urging bros to be bro-choice. You should watch it, bro.
My new heroes in life, the Punchy Players, have birthed an episode of “Hollywood Hoarders” featuring Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli as interventionists and Ann Miller as the hoarder. Judy is concerned that Ann is holding onto a few too many “precious things” and wants to help her make a “clean sweep.” Her precious things including corn cob holders, expired powdered doughnuts, Howard Keel, Styrofoam burger boxes, the Ann Miller frog collection, Dixie cups, and 10 cases of Shasta. Final thoughts from Judy: “No matter how much you love somebody, how do you clean up the hoard?” I ask myself this question all the time, Judy. Metaphorically, of course. [WOW]
I think the statement “friends are the family we choose for ourselves” applies in this case. We wish this man, his dog and his doll a very Merry Christmas. Captions? [Izismile]