Posts tagged "hitched"

Hitched: Shit White, Middle-Class Married People Do

Now that the summer wedding season is winding down, it’s time to shift the focus from the Big Day to the Big Rest Of Your Damned Lives. I’ve only been married for 129 days now, but my husband Patrick and I are starting to get a pretty good bead on how this thing works.
By: Andrea Grimes / August 29, 2012

Hitched: We’re Married, But Our Bank Accounts Aren’t

One of the things I’ve learned, over my many years of roadtripping in and across Texas, is that hell is being stuck going 50 miles per hour behind a recreational vehicle. But recently, I’ve come to wonder if heaven might be being behind the wheel of one. I don’t generally dream about buying big-ticket thing…
By: Andrea Grimes / August 21, 2012

Hitched: Jennifer Aniston Will Not Die Pathetic And Alone After All

The world’s saddest person has finally crawled out from under the sad bajillions of dollars she’s made over the years, clawed her way through the sad memories of the last decade of middlingly famous, questionably talented dudes who’ve rejected her and her sad self and at last trapped a man into filling the hole…
By: Andrea Grimes / August 15, 2012

Hitched: Let Them Eat Gay Cake!

Last week, an interracial couple showed up for their wedding cake tasting at a small, family owned bakery in Colorado. But when the shop owner caught sight of the together-for-two-years pair, he turned them away because he doesn’t believe interracial couples should get married. In a statement to the local television station, Jack Phillips, the…
By: Andrea Grimes / August 8, 2012

Hitched: On Love, Politics & Bigotry

The Democratic Party is set to officially incorporate a pro-gay marriage stance into its 2012 convention platform after a 15-member draft committee approved the new pro-marriage equality language over the weekend. Much like the reaction to President Barack Obama’s recent (supposedly) conversion to pro-gay marriageness, reasonable people are saying: Hooray! And also duh. And…
By: Andrea Grimes / August 1, 2012

Hitched: Should Cheaters ‘Fess Up Or Take It To The Grave?

You know how the worst kind of parent will be all, “Oh, you couldn’t possibly understand what it means to truly love another human being until you have a child of your own?” And you are all, Oh word, you’re right, I must be the emotionally crippled jerk here because I don’t go around conducting…
By: Andrea Grimes / July 26, 2012

Hitched: Help Me Platonically Charm The Pants Off My New In-Law Family

In a couple of weeks, I’m going to be living it up in beautiful South Dakota. The occasion: my new grandma-in-law’s octogenarian birthday and combination family reunion. I hear there will be picnics and jet skis involved. I am petrified. But Andrea, how can you be petrified when there are jet skis involved, you ask?
By: Andrea Grimes / July 18, 2012

Hitched: On The Fairy Tale Ending That Katie Holmes Will Not Have

What are you doing right now? Is it after noon? Actually, I don’t care if it is or not: go pour yourself a glass of something cold and boozy and join me in a toast to Katie Holmes, free woman. I don’t much keep up with celebrity goings-on, certainly not beyond the two-month-old U…
By: Andrea Grimes / July 11, 2012

Hitched: How To Get Married Without Being An A**hole

The amazing thing about life is how many complete assholes manage to find someone willing to put up with their bullshit and marry them. When I was a single person, the thing that crushed me the most when I was feeling lonely wasn’t that I thought I’d never find a spouse. It was that Donald…
By: Andrea Grimes / July 3, 2012

Hitched: How To Be A Good Wedding Guest

I didn’t know how bad I was at being a wedding guest until I had my own wedding. I was bad about gifts and good about stiffing bartenders. Worst of all, I was terrible about crying on the dance floor when the DJ played “All The Single Ladies” because I was fresh off a breakup.
By: Andrea Grimes / June 28, 2012

Hitched: Tales Of The Happily Divorced

Last week’s Hitched column was all about the “myth of the happily married woman,” challenging the idea that marriage is some kind of natural state of being for women, who are biologically and culturally destined to need a man to complete their happiness. Whether you believe in the Man Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti…
By: Andrea Grimes / June 20, 2012

Hitched: The Myth Of The Happily Married Woman

Wouldn’t you feel like shit, and wouldn’t I look like a jerk, if I sat around with this huge pile of adorable kittens and was all, “Oh man, my pile of adorable kittens is so great, I can’t get over how wonderful this pile of adorable kittens is, how can you not have a pile…
By: Andrea Grimes / June 13, 2012

Hitched: Miley Cyrus, Don’t Marry Him, Girl!

Miley Cyrus, pop star and heir to the “Achy, Breaky Heart” fortune, has announced that, at 19 years old, she’s engaged to marry her boyfriend of three years, actor Liam Hemsworth. I have this to say: Don’t do it, girl! And when I Googled “Liam Hemsworth” to find out who the hell this dude…
By: Andrea Grimes / June 6, 2012

Hitched: Your Elaborately Planned Public Marriage Proposal Is Awkward For Everyone

If you are currently in the process of planning an elaborate and public marriage proposal to your intended, please consider not doing that, not doing that even for a minute, and instead consider just stopping everything you had planned and not ever doing that, and even if you still want to do it a little…
By: Andrea Grimes / May 31, 2012

Hitched: We Got Married Because Our Friends Were Doing It

Patrick and I totally got married because our friends were doing it. We didn’t do it only because our friends were doing it, or because our friends were going to stop sitting next to us in the lunchroom if we didn’t do it. But I’m pleased as punch to say that when it comes to…
By: Andrea Grimes / May 23, 2012

Hitched: Yes, I Kept My “Maiden Name”

“So, should I be calling you something different now?” The bartender at my local bar walked hurriedly over to my table last week as I sat with my 5 p.m. Hefeweizen, wrapping up the day’s work on my laptop. He looked genuinely worried that, when I’d walked into the bar, he’d somehow offended me by…
By: Andrea Grimes / May 16, 2012

Hitched: My Mom And My Wedding, A Springsteen-Fueled Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a Texas girl who loved and adored her mother, but also respected and feared her. The Texan girl didn’t always see eye-to-eye with her mother, but even in the worst of times, her mother had always been there with the love and support she needed. The Texan girl alway…
By: Andrea Grimes / May 9, 2012

Hitched: Let’s All Get Married! All Of Us!

Well, I've finally sobered up some from our honeymoon — real talk, y'all, I remember writing just about 10 percent of last week’s column. And now I know that there’s nothing like a honeymoon in Hawaii to remind you that you are the most boring, normal person in the whole married world, because literally everyone in Hawaii i…
By: Andrea Grimes / May 2, 2012

Hitched: I’m A Married Motherf**ker!

Last night, my husband (!) Patrick and I were having Hawaiian martinis at Roy's Waikoloa Bar & Grill (which is to Hawaii the way Chili's is to Texas) when he asked me, Was it all worth it? Was all the stress and the arguing and the pressure worth it, to have a wedding instead of…
By: Andrea Grimes / April 25, 2012

Hitched: I’m Getting Married On Saturday!

The next time y'all read a Hitched column, I'll be a married person! It’s been a long, strange journey since Patrick and I got drunk at the lake last September and decided to get engaged. But there has been no stranger time than the last couple of weeks, when the Wedding Crazy moved into…
By: Andrea Grimes / April 18, 2012