Posts tagged "hitched"

Hitched: Dudes, Help Decorate That Tree!

My uncle Tommy’s hot sauce is the recipe by which I measure all hot sauces; it is the recipe I try to recreate to varying degrees of success every time I come home from the store with cilantro, peppers, lime, onion, garlic and tomatoes. But Tommy just knew, in some magical old-Texas-guy way, the way…

Andrea Grimes / December 5, 2012

Hitched: Don’t Have Sex On Your Wedding Night

I remember climbing into Patrick’s pick-up truck in a fog of glittering sparklers. I remember noting that there was a giant penis shoe-polished on to the passenger side window. I remember taking an Instagram of us driving the few blocks back to our hotel. I remember being very excited about getting my shoes off.

Andrea Grimes / November 28, 2012

Hitched: Do What You Want On Your Wedding Day

I consumed almost no wedding-related media in the eight or so months between when Patrick and I got drunk at the lake and decided to get engaged and when we actually tied the knot on April 21, 2012. I came to like Offbeat Bride and its attendant forums and creative user group, though I wa…

Andrea Grimes / November 21, 2012

Hitched: On Mothers-In-Law (And Mother-In-Law Jokes)

I have known since I was a wee child that someday, there would be a woman in my life that I would hate more than any person on the planet. She will be the epitome of all things evil; a seething skin-bag of meddlesome, ignorant lady-pus, hardly worthy to walk among us and yet, walk…

Andrea Grimes / November 14, 2012

Hitched: Do We Have A Marriage Problem?

I’m not convinced that the problem with marriage is that it is broken; I am convinced that a problem with marriage is that it isn’t big enough for everyone.

In the past week, both The New York Times and Slate have addressed modern marriage and its related problems, asking whether privatization of marriage,…

Andrea Grimes / November 8, 2012

Hitched: How I Became A Homemaker

Flipping through my mom’s old yearbooks as a kid, I was taken by the bouffant hairdos and the small-town charm of her tiny East Texas high school; I was also amazed that there appeared to be basically two clubs in the whole place. Guys got funneled into the Future Farmers of America. The young women?

Andrea Grimes / October 31, 2012

Hitched: Reflections On The First Six Months Of Marriage

On Sunday, Patrick and I celebrated our six-month wedding anniversary by watching nearly seven hours of what Netflix claims are “Halloween favorites” and eating a delicious homemade caprese salad, as Patrick decided that six months is the “caprese anniversary.” No doubt he has some culinary deliciousness planned in six more months.

How ha…

Andrea Grimes / October 24, 2012

Hitched: Our Officiant Got Ordained Online

The few times I ever imagined my future wedding as I grew up in suburban north Texas, I imagined it taking place in the church I was raised in, the altar strewn with pretty flowers and the minister who baptized as a child me officiating. This vague idea of what my wedding might be like…

Andrea Grimes / October 17, 2012

Hitched: Bridesmaids, What Are They Good For?

Minutes before I walked down the aisle, one of my persons-of-distinction, Trenton, pulled a bunch of multi-colored plastic Tiki goblets from a sack, busted open a bottle of cheap champagne from a cooler, and measured out five healthy pours for the five of us in the little dressing room. Most of my pre-wedding moments are…

Andrea Grimes / October 10, 2012

Hitched: Reliving The Bachelorette Life

I made sure to get the thin crust pizza, because I knew that once it was just me and a couch and Liam Neeson rescuing some people from some horrible shit and/or wolves, I was going to eat all that pizza, and I did not want the bread bloat. I was treating myself. I wa…

Andrea Grimes / October 3, 2012

Hitched: Why My Husband Is Getting A Vasectomy

I’ve been walking around with a sketch of a uterus and cervix in my reporter’s notebook for several weeks now, courtesy of my gynecologist. She drew it while explaining to me how an IUD works. I keep it around both because I like it as a conversation piece and because when you write about ladypart…

Andrea Grimes / September 26, 2012

Hitched: You’re Engaged! Now What?

Last Friday night, Patrick and I took a break from drinking beers and talking smack about Mitt Romney to befriend two couples who happened by our neighborhood bar. They needed a place to sit; we offered to share our table. And as many newly engaged couples are, all four of them were a little bit…

Andrea Grimes / September 19, 2012

Hitched: Getting Through The Rough Patches

I woke up last Sunday morning — well, I don’t know that I was truly awake, but at least I wasn’t in bed any more — and stumbled to the kitchen for a giant glass of water with which to defuzz my thoroughly whiskey-fied mouth. In my hangover haze, I glanced across the living room…

Andrea Grimes / September 11, 2012

Hitched: Who Does The Most Housework In A Marriage?

And lo, the Lord did create the men and women who populated the earth. The manifold men did go to the office and get good jobs in middle management and take the trash out on Thursdays while lady helpmates did joyously stay home and wear aprons and make dinner and vacuum and mop and scru…

Andrea Grimes / September 5, 2012

Hitched: Shit White, Middle-Class Married People Do

Now that the summer wedding season is winding down, it’s time to shift the focus from the Big Day to the Big Rest Of Your Damned Lives. I’ve only been married for 129 days now, but my husband Patrick and I are starting to get a pretty good bead on how this thing works.

Andrea Grimes / August 29, 2012

Hitched: We’re Married, But Our Bank Accounts Aren’t

One of the things I’ve learned, over my many years of roadtripping in and across Texas, is that hell is being stuck going 50 miles per hour behind a recreational vehicle. But recently, I’ve come to wonder if heaven might be being behind the wheel of one.

I don’t generally dream about buying…

Andrea Grimes / August 21, 2012

Hitched: Jennifer Aniston Will Not Die Pathetic And Alone After All

The world’s saddest person has finally crawled out from under the sad bajillions of dollars she’s made over the years, clawed her way through the sad memories of the last decade of middlingly famous, questionably talented dudes who’ve rejected her and her sad self and at last trapped a man into filling the hole i…

Andrea Grimes / August 15, 2012

Hitched: Let Them Eat Gay Cake!

Last week, an interracial couple showed up for their wedding cake tasting at a small, family owned bakery in Colorado. But when the shop owner caught sight of the together-for-two-years pair, he turned them away because he doesn’t believe interracial couples should get married.

In a statement to the local television station, Jack…

Andrea Grimes / August 8, 2012

Hitched: On Love, Politics & Bigotry

The Democratic Party is set to officially incorporate a pro-gay marriage stance into its 2012 convention platform after a 15-member draft committee approved the new pro-marriage equality language over the weekend.

Much like the reaction to President Barack Obama’s recent (supposedly) conversion to pro-gay marriageness, reasonable people are saying: Hooray!


Andrea Grimes / August 1, 2012

Hitched: Should Cheaters ‘Fess Up Or Take It To The Grave?

You know how the worst kind of parent will be all, “Oh, you couldn’t possibly understand what it means to truly love another human being until you have a child of your own?” And you are all, Oh word, you’re right, I must be the emotionally crippled jerk here because I don’t go around conducting…

Andrea Grimes / July 26, 2012