Just a friendly reminder to all of you lovers out there that not every kind of gift is appropriate for the Valentine’s Day holiday. This Facebook suggestion was sent to me by an engaged friend of mine. Really, Facebook? The best you can do is suggest that a woman “surprise” her fiancé with a Starbucks gift card this Valentine’s Day? Nothing against Starbucks — or coffee even — I’m a caffeine addict. But if I had a special someone and he surprised me with a Starbucks gift card, that would be, well, odd. Add this to the list of V-Day presents that will not get you laid. Oh, and “the gift of cancer screening.” It’s a real thing. I got a PR email about it. Not OK.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Since today is a day to celebrate love in all forms, I thought I’d take the opportunity to make a list of 10 random things I love right now, from shapewear to lipstick to Louisiana folk rock. Check out my lovefest after the jump, and please feel free to share your own random love lists in the comments! Keep reading »
This is Colonel Mustard. He’s often the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. In the evening, he likes to sit on my chest while I’m in bed and trying to read a book. He’ll swat at the pages until I pet him, and when I do, he purrs like a lawn mower tearing down some tall grass. In the morning, he follows me into the bathroom and talks to me while I’m trying to brush my teeth. He is a small, furry, very demanding child.
I have had Mustard — he also goes by Moo Moo, Moutard, The Colonel, The Kern-Dog and Dijonaisse (when he’s feeling saucy) — for going on three years. He was a rescue that I took on as a foster, but when I saw his huge paws — he’s got 7 toes on each front paw and six on the back — I knew I had to keep him. He sheds a lot, and twice yearly, he gets his bushy Maine Coon fur shaved into a lion cut. He also talks a lot. Like, all the time. And when he’s not talking, he’s purring, very loudly. It is crazy. Keep reading »
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to romancing the man or woman of your dreams. Each heart is a snowflake, unique in it’s design. Or something like that. This Valentine’s Day, consider the heart you wish to win, understand its desires and woo accordingly. May we suggest one of these romantic gestures, perfect for the special Juggalo or Trekkie in your life…
Dear Cipha Sounds, Rosenberg, K. Foxx and Old Man Ebro,
Every morning, my alarm goes off at 7 a.m., rousing me from sleep. I hit the snooze button, and then 10 minutes later, hit it again. When the third alarm finally goes off at 7:20, I pry one eye open, then the other, and haul myself out of bed, heading straight for the radio. See, my day doesn’t properly start, doesn’t get off on the right foot, unless the second sound I hear (after the alarm) is my favorite morning radio show, The Cipha Sounds & Rosenberg Show on Hot 97. Cipha Sounds, Rosenberg, and K. Foxx, along with my boo, program director Old Man Ebro, you all are quite literally the reason my ass gets out of bed on time in the morning, and you ensure that my day at least starts off on the right note.
Seriously, I fucking love you guys. Let me tell you why. Keep reading »
I grew up in Scottsdale, Arizona, which is not known for being the most culturally rich and forward-thinking city. I’m not going to go off on my hometown, there were great things about growing up there, but let’s just say that I was counter-cultural peg trying to fit into a conservative hole. Meaning, I wore lots of black eyeliner, carried The Portable Dorothy Parker in my backpack at all times and accepted my lot in high school life as one of the disenfranchised. I was a Goth drama geek. I shopped at the Salvation Army so I could look like Bjork. I cut chorus to start an underground poetry reading club. I should have been rewarded for being subversive! Instead, I was denied entry into the National Honors Society on the grounds that I was “a troublemaker.” The faculty didn’t seem to appreciate what I had to offer the world. But there was one teacher who did: Mr. V was the only teacher who got my vibe. I had him two years for Latin, one for honors English. Keep reading »
Even the laziest cooks in the world might be moved to break out the pots n’ pans for Valentine’s Day and whip up a romantical amuse bouche or a decadent desert thingy courtesy of Pinterest. Not me! Too much work. Why bother when you can turn on your special someone without ever turning on the oven? That’s right, kids. Harness the power of aphrodisiacs and cook smarter, not harder. Behold my super simple, never-before-seen sexy V-Day recipes. Bon appetite, lazy lovers!
Ah, here we go. A video that will satisfy the brokenhearted this V-Day. Literally, it’s a video of the top ten ways to break a heart with super special slow mo effects. If you revenge is what you’re seeking this Valentine’s Day, live vicariously through this video and suppress any urges you might have to bust out your chainsaw or an axe or bow and arrow or baseball bat. Really, he or she is not worth it. Just keep watching this video until you feel better. [Laughing Squid]
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. We gather you knew this based on the high volume of Zales commercials. So, here’s the deal. The internet is gonna try to convince you that you will have the most mind-blowing sex of your life of February 14th. It will sell you the dream. It will encourage you to purchase special sex paraphernalia just for the occasion. You don’t need it! Let’s be realistic here. You’ll probably be too tired to fuck after that 16 course meal or passed out by 10 p.m., crashing from a chocolate high. Be forewarned. Here are some sexy products you shouldn’t waste your money on this V-Day.
You are the hottest yoga teacher I’ve ever had. And that’s saying a lot because I’ve been practicing for 16 years now. Your body, your face, your demeanor … all extremely HOT. But here’s the weird thing: I am not physically attracted to you in the least. Not at all. I find the things you do and say during class absolutely ridiculous. But yet, I adore you. It’s weird and complicated. I think I have a platonic crush on you. Let me explain. I’m kind of in awe of you. Like a unicorn, it’s hard to believe that you really exist. Keep reading »