When Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dress up as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween, an angel bursts into flames. [Los Angeles, 10/29/09]

On last night’s episode of “The Hills” there was a totally laughable subplot involving Speidi staging an intervention for Heidi‘s younger older sister, Holly. Holly, you see, had a couple of shots at a party, spent a few minutes talking to Brent Bolthouse about art (oh noes!), and then did the robot. These three things, apparently, are evidence of rampant alcoholism. Somebody get Ken Seeley on the phone! But seriously, far more problematic, in my opinion? Spencer‘s cowboy hat. Also, maybe Speidi’s time would have been better used counseling his sister Stephanie, who was busted for a DUI last weekend.

Recently, Heidi Montag was spotted reading (yes, reading!) The Da Vinci Code (yes, an actual book, albeit a cheesy one) during her pedicure. It got me thinking: What is your usual pedi M.O.? Do you read the salon mags (that’s my go-to reading material—and I’ve been known to bring in an ice cream cone for a seriously awesome Friday night ... yes, I realize that’s potentially lame)? Bring your own book a la Heidi? Do you only read your own magazines from home? Are you typing away on the Crackberry? Or, do you actually stop, and take the time to close your eyes, sit and relax? I’m intrigued! Do tell.

Spencer Pratt has been running his mouth for the past few weeks, saying he’s avoiding having sex with his wife because he’s afraid she’ll get pregnant. Well, that wife, Heidi Montag, filled in for Elisabeth Hasselbeck as the token blond conservative on “The View” today and she explained oh so much more. Apparently, it’s not that Spencer isn’t ready for kids now—it’s that he doesn’t want them at all, period. (Likely because a real baby would divert Heidi’s attention away from her man baby.) Um, isn’t this something to discuss in depth before you walk down the aisle, especially if you want three or four kids like Heidi? Not that I’m in favor of these two procreating. At all. Ever. Clip above! [The View]

“I wasn’t nervous because I’d got my body and mind into shape for it.  My aim is to become an iconic sex symbol and the Playboy shoot is the first step. I wanted to be toned and curvaceous with a nice butt–I didn’t want to lose weight and look skinny.”

— Heidi Montag speaks to U.K.‘s Closer magazine about her plan to become an iconic sex symbol. We believe she got her body in shape, but what do you think she did to get her “mind” in shape for the shoot? In the same interview, Heidi went on to say she wants to supersize her size C breasts to DD cup. It’s all part of her plan to take over the world! [via Closer]

Considering Heidi is her brother’s wife, the incestuous undercurrents are icky. The fact that her brother is Spencer Pratt makes it even worse.

Our worst nightmare has come true. No, it’s not the apocalypse—it’s spawning season for Heidi and Spencer Pratt. People announced that the next season of “The Hills” will have some changes, including this gem: “Heidi and Spencer are entering some interesting new territory of considering parenthood.” [People]

Noooooooooo! I guess it was inevitable, but do Barbie and Kendouche really have to procreate so soon? I bet they’ve already sold the rights to their unborn baby pictures and I have no qualms saying I think these two should be involuntarily sterilized. They’re Aryan super-villains with a plan to take over the media and they must be stopped! After the jump, 10 other celebrity couples who must be stopped from breeding.

I had high hopes for the suckitude of Heidi Montag‘s performance of her first single, “Body Language,” at the Miss Universe Pageant last night. But it truly exceeded my wildest expectations. First off, couldn’t she at least pretend she’s actually singing? And what is the girl wearing—strange, nude workout pants with crotch issues, paired with black leprechaun boots? Jeez, we wish she’d just covered herself in mud.

Heidi’s truly horrific showing has inspired us to look back at some of the worst live performances of all time. Enjoy.

Heidi Montag “sang” (i.e. lipsynced) and “danced” (i.e. gyrated) on last night’s Miss Universe Pageant and definitely pulled a few tricks from the Britney Spears playbook. In other words, she worse a nudish jumpsuit and did some weird genie-like moves, but was nowhere near as awesome as Britney in her heyday. Please, let this be the last we see of her!

Hated reality TV star Spencer Pratt has decided to enlighten us all by writing a book called “How to Be Famous.” I think he should retitle it “How To Make Yourself Into A Complete Jackass.” In the book, Spencer tries to make himself out to be a Public Relations bad ass. He brags about leaking the deets of Lauren Conrad’s sex tape because she was mean to Heidi Montag and seems to think that now that she’s gone from “The Hills” he’s going to rule. One thing we agree with? “If I weren’t me, I’d hate me,” he writes. Yeah dude, that’s pretty much how it is. [NY Daily News]

Ooh, ooh (said like Horshack in “Welcome Back, Kotter”). I now have a really good reason why you need to watch the Miss Universe Pageant this Sunday night. Heidi Montag will be giving her first-ever live musical performance, debuting her single “Body Language” which leaked online a while back. “I am so excited to perform,” says Heidi. “This is such a miracle in life and I give thanks to God everyday for this once in a lifetime opportunity.” [People]

Here’s hoping this will be a disaster on par with Britney‘s “Gimme More” performance. The New York Post claims that asking Heidi to perform has turned into a fiasco for the show’s producers. Find out all about it, after the jump…

Those much-talked-about photos of Heidi Montag in Playboy have finally hit the web. While they are pretty tame, considering, you know, she’s not exactly naked in them, I wouldn’t exactly describe them as “chaste” either. In the pics, she lolls about on a bed, reclines near a fireplace, stares blankly out a window. With her top off. Or her bottom off. It’s like the usual Playboy fare—but without all the naughty bits. Personally, I find them somewhat depressing. Remember those early seasons of “The Hills,” when Heidi was a sassy back-talker who dropped men like so much tissue? In this layout, she looks like a sad, over-posed Barbie doll. In other words, the wet dream of Spencer Pratt. Shudder. [Hollyscoop]

It’s always so shocking—shocking, I tell you!—when it turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been telling not-truths yet again. I expect so much more from my reality TV stars! Truth, honesty, and an ability to eat really gross food-like items. In any case, remember that Heidi Montag naked in Playboy spread that we told you about? That “The Hills” duo has been yapping about, like, for-ev-uh? Well, as it turns out, Heidi’s not even naked in it. All six glossy pages of the female half of Speidi are totally PG. Purportedly, the instructions given to the magazine (by who, her vagina wrangler?) were: “No nipples, no vagina, no a**.” You can’t make this stuff up, people. I mean, if you’re going to go Playboy, don’t you think you should, like, go there? [TMZ]

“[Playboy] has definitely changed my life—or maybe I should say it has shaped me. When I was shopping for my boobs, I wanted the best, so I sat down and flipped through a bunch of Playboys.”

—Heidi Montag in the September issue of, you guessed it, Playboy

Heidi Montag debuted the Playboy cover that made her half a million dollars on the red carpet of the “G.I. Joe” premiere last night. The soon-to-hit-newsstands September issue of the magazine features “The Hills” star dressed in a white bikini, covered in mud with the bunny symbol traced on her stomach. This is the first of two issues upon which she’ll grace the front page. She did the shoot as a wedding present for the Spence.

Of course, since we’re talking about Speidi, there’s drama. Montag claims that inside the fold of the magazine, she held onto her good Christian values and refrained from posing completely nude. But other sources say she totally got nakey. So we’ll just have to wait a few more days until the official release to find out who’s telling the truth. [NY Post]

• Spencer Pratt showed off Heidi Montag-Pratt‘s September Playboy cover while at the “G.I. Joe” premiere. [Us Weekly]—Seriously, who does that?
• Milla Jovovich has revealed one of her attractions to fiancé and film director Paul Anderson—his Newcastle, England upbringing and the town’s fish and chips specialty. [People]—I can’t wait to see photos of their Aug. 22 wedding.
• Sienna Miller has admitted she feels “foolish” for how she handled her relationship with Balthazar Getty. [OK! UK]—We’ve all been there, but I’m sure it’s much worse when you’re in the public eye.