My boyfriend and I had broken up, and my heart was in pieces.

I needed a weird and fluky experience to distract me from reality and test my ability to feign composure. And, as we all know, the first step in getting over heartbreak is random sex. What better way to combine sex and weirdness than Craigslist, where people hook up based on absolutely nothing—luck, timing, fate?

I consulted my Meaningless Hookup Expert, aka my Best Gay Friend, to formulate a plan; presented here for your gawking/edification is our first-hand guide on how to have a cathartic, post-breakup, strings-free CL hookup.

A new study says it takes the typical person 17 months and 26 days to feel ready to move on after a divorce, which got me thinking: How long does it take to get over a regular ol’ breakup (you know, one that doesn’t require lawyers)? The answer, of course, is that there isn’t one right answer. It took years for me to get over my first love, someone I was with only about ten months. On the other hand, it took about six weeks before I was ready to move on after I ended a four-year, live-in relationship with another boyfriend. Of course, it actually took me the last two years we were together to finally pull the plug, but once I did there was no looking back.

So, it’s been a year since I got dumped. Frankly, I would not blame any of you for being at the point of thinking – if not saying – “Why the f**k hasn’t this bitch gotten over this yet?” I wonder the same thing myself.

There’s that saying that it takes half the length of the relationship to “get over it.” If that were the case, I would have another year and four months to go, God help me! But actually, I’m over the heartbreak. There’s not one ounce of me that’s still physically attracted to him. While I miss the friendship we had, the way he made me laugh, the sweet things he would do, like plate the dinner he made from scratch like we were dining at a fancy restaurant, and the fun we had traveling together, I don’t miss him as my boyfriend at all. That feels so amazing, I cannot even tell you. I could do cartwheels! (If I could do cartwheels, that is.)

While heartache pretty much sucks — especially the kind you can’t seem to get over — it can be a great learning experience. After the jump, the top 10 things you learn when you’re heartbroken.

We poke a lot of fun at silly studies on The Frisky, but occasionally one comes along that’s actually interesting and insightful. Researchers at Harvard University have discovered that our experience of pain depends on whether we think someone caused the pain intentionally. Participants in the study were given electrical shocks and asked to rate the level of pain they experienced. When those participants believed the electrical shock was delivered intentionally rather than on accident, they rated that shock as more painful. This made me think about whether the same thing would apply to emotional pain and not just physical pain. Does it feel worse when someone hurts your feelings on purpose rather than on accident? Think about heartbreak—does it feel worse when the heartbreak happens as a result of someone doing something hurtful, like cheating? [Science Daily]

Sooner or later, everybody falls in love. When it’s good, it’s freaking amazing: birds sing, the sun shines, your Mom doesn’t annoy you so much and your checks are perpetually rosy, When it doesn’t work out, however, it burns like the fiery pits of hell. All that was good with the world has been obliterated – along with your self-esteem. And the way you’ll likely add insult to injury be inflicting even more torture upon yourself – well, that’s not so pretty either. Either you can’t eat or you’re eating pint after pint of Ben & Jerry’s, you’re sleeping all day or not sleeping at all or you’ve either abandoned all personal grooming habits or, in a particularly “screw-it” moment, went and got a majorly unflattering short haircut [Or a totally flattering one!—Editor] or tattoo. As a post-dumpage Lloyd Dobler was labeled by his buddies outside the Gas ‘n Sip in “Say Anything”, you’re null and void. 

My relationship status is in limbo. Eight days ago I was engaged. Now I don’t know what I am. I’m not single, but I’m certainly feeling an aloneness that I haven’t felt in four and half years—it’s traumatizing and weirdly liberating all at once. During the first few days of this new stage of my life, I found it impossible to get out of bed, my bones ached, and I had a strong desire to sleep for the next 100 years. But since then I’ve discovered how to pick myself back up and offer to you 10 tips for surviving the first week of heartbreak.

10. Pop Pills: Obtained legally and under the advisement of your doctor, of course. Let’s face it, the first few days, it’s really hard to conceive of life being worth living. I don’t care if you’re all girl power strong and resilient—heartbreak can knock the wind out of any Calamity Jane. that’s why I can vouch for the effectiveness of a nice, doctor-prescribed dose of anti-depressants and sleeping meds to take the edge off. Sleep your ass off and after a couple deep dreams, you’ll wake up feeling refreshed.