This week I decided to tap some real personal assets: my guy friends. Whenever I need sex advice, I turn to them! This time, I wanted to find out what I may or may not be doing wrong in bed. Hey, they know being friends with a sexy lady like me means they’ll eventually have to divulge the dirty deets on how they like to get down, or in this case, how they don’t. Here’s what these stallions told me they hate during nakey time—uncensored.

Oh Asylum, how happy are we that you’ve discovered our need to have praise bestowed upon our sacred lady flowers! So happy that we were inspired to compliment your wangs! Although your vajayjay compliment primer is certainly a valiant effort, now might be a good time to tell you that a comment like “Your vagina is so much hotter than my last girlfriend’s vagina” may just leave us closed for business. More important than what you say is what you must vow not to say in order to keep the peace down south. After the jump, 10 things that you should never say to our vaginas—at least if you want to see them again.

Our friends over at Asylum created a handy guide on “How to Praise Your Lady’s Vagina.” Do guys really need tips on stuff like that? What is the proper etiquette for a vagina conversation? Do women actually need vagina compliments? Anyway, “Your vagina is so much hotter than my last girlfriend’s vagina” inspired us to create a comparable list for the ladies. Face-to-face with a man’s penis, what’s a girl supposed to say? Our suggestions, after the jump!

I’ve dated some losers, sure, but haven’t we all? The trickiest dudes to sniff out are the annoying ones. At first they seem well-meaning and nerdy, which is normally endearing. After a while, and some embarrassing moments, you’ll come to see these same annoying tendencies become super sucky to date. So before you spend a lifetime testing your patience, put him to this test. Are you prone to eye-rolling or is he just really annoying?

Show me a person who doesn’t have at least a handful of characteristics she or he is looking for in a mate — or date — and I’ll show you the real-life leprechaun I keep as a mascot on my rooftop garden. Whether it’s brains, a great bod, or a timeshare in Boca Raton, we all have a list — some are even written down somewhere — of the things our significant other must possess. Topping the list for a lot of us is a great sense of humor, but exactly how important is having your funny bone tickled? AskMen.com recently compared “funny” against a host of other “most wanted” characteristics to see how a good sense of humor stacked up when women are doin’ the choosin’. Are those sitcoms that feature a beautiful wife with a pudgy but hilarious husband telling the truth? Find out after the jump.

We’re not mothers yet, but we’re at a point in our lives when we’re thinking about our future families. We know an awful lot about women and how to treat and please ‘em, so we plan to pass that knowledge down to our sons. We hope to rid the male sex of all the things that make us rant by raising boys with balanced male and female perspectives. Check out the list after the jump, then leave your lessons in the comments.

When did guys start waxing their chests? All I have to say about that is: It’s got to stop. If we wanted you to look like us, we’d date us. We want guys to look like guys, no matter how hirsute that makes you. That’s why we love you. Because you are what we are not. True story: I think the first time I saw some guy’s chest hair waxed into a distinct shape was about seven years ago. I was on the set of an adult movie. The guy was Ron Jeremy. And his chest hair had been waxed into the shape of ... a heart. It was both totally horrifying and vaguely endearing.

What makes you swoon? I once swooned on a walk across a bridge in Central Park when my now-husband pointed to something below, and I looked down and saw the words “Wendy, will you marry me?” When I turned back around, he was down on a knee, holding my great-grandmother’s engagement ring. Swoon! I swoon when he brings home flowers for no reason at all, when he tells me I look lovely, and when I see how great he is with his niece and nephew. I wouldn’t swoon, however, if my man happened to “grasp my hand” when a beautiful, scantily-clad woman walked past us. Would you? Men’s Health seems to think this bizarre-o action is the key to a woman’s heart, seeing as they’ve included it in their list of 41 Ways To Make A Woman Swoon. In fact, almost the entire list seems to suggest that we women are insecure, needy, child-like creatures. After the jump, check out some of the other sad, sexist, and just plain odd ways they suggest making us swoon, and why they’re ridiculous.

How is Jon Gosselin getting so much action? I didn’t think it was possible for America to transfer their sympathy from emasculated Jon to heinous shebeast Kate Gosselin, but it’s happened. He’s been boppin’ from bed to bed and taking his tramps all around the world. He’s really proving how lame he is. Don’t let a guy like him happen to you! Check out this list of telltale signs you’re dating a loser. 

According to a new study, a third of men ages 20 to 40 still live with their ‘rents. One in four of those who have moved out still keep a fully furnished bedroom at their parents’ house just in case they are forced to find their way back to the nest. As for women, only one in five are living with their moms and dads. So much for the assumption that men are more independent than women…

Some ideas are better left for bad romantic comedies. I seriously laughed out loud when I stumbled upon WingGirlMethod.com. At first I thought it was one of those genius “ironically comic” websites, but to my horror it was not. The mission of the “Wing Girls,” so eloquently stated on their website, is to “become your female friend and give you that female perspective you have been missing. Our mission is to help the great men of the world gain the skills and the tools needed to increase their options to attract and to keep the women that they want. Become our friend and learn secrets only a woman would know about women.” They offer personal coaching sessions, seminars (like an upcoming one, “Avoiding the Friend Zone”), videos, and even a blog on picking up the ladies. In other words, they’re total traitors.

A few months ago, I accidentally shoved my foot in my mouth on a listserv I participate in. I got a bunch of irritated emails and issued numerous apologies. What did I do? I addressed the women as “ladies.”

Some women hate to be called “ladies,” I came to find out. It’s an outdated word, they said, which brings to mind white gloves, tea sandwiches, and balancing a book atop one’s head for good posture.  (Betty Draper on Mad Men, for example.) The directive to “be a lady” or “act like a lady” usually encourages women or girls to become more like a retro gender construct—polite, smiling, quiet, compliant, modest, presentable—and they want nothing to do with it.  I just assumed that because the word was so outdated, it meant nothing—and I was wrong.

So now I’m wondering, of course, about a lady’s counterpart. If “being a lady” has a stigma attached to it, does “being a gentleman” have a stigma, too? And what does “being a gentleman” even mean these days, anyway?

In the August issue of Wired starring Brad Pitt’s aging face, the actor gives advice—in his “Inglourious Basterds” character—on a few topics close to our hearts: dating, porn, texting, and World of Warcraft. And, while we don’t support the wearing of Bluetooth headsets in public, his advice ain’t bad.

How many times have I gone out for drinks on a date? More times than I can count. Of course, it’s partly my fault for not suggesting something more exciting. So I asked my friend John, who’s always taking girls out on interesting adventures, to tell me three of his most successful—though I’m not sure I see myself going to a cock fight any time soon.

1) Amateur Boxing Match
“The girl I’m dating is really into blood sport. She gets all excited and punchy afterwards. I’ve been trying to find out about cockfights—the avian kind—but I don’t seem to know the right people. And it might be too much for her anyway.”

2) The Zoo
“I went to the Brooklyn Zoo with a girl I made cry twice. There’s a llama barn there and she loves llamas, so that was a big score. You can feed them and pet them and hope they don’t bite your hand off. I hate animals.”

3) Ping Pong
“I’ve had a couple ping-pong brawls with the girl I’m seeing. She’s pretty good, which surprised me. It was fun at first but it has since escalated into serious business, fraught with anxiety and resentment and loathing. Afterwards, we’re able to put that all aside and be friends again—as long as I win—and it lends some electricity to the, ahem, romance.”