What’s this I see? Gwyneth Paltrow is taking GOOP in 3-D to a YouTube channel. Check out the video above of her making bibimbop. It’s kind of the most boring cooking show ever, no? So far, there are only two vids on the channel, but I’m sure Gwyns will post many more soon. Maybe she’ll videotape how to do a proper colonic?

Speaking of Gwyneth, we are way amused by Daily Beast writer Rebecca Dana, who studiously followed the way of the GOOP for three weeks and lived to tell the tale.

Another day, another Gwyneth Paltrow GOOP edition chock-full of sage advice. This time she addresses the beauty realm, and here’s a synopsis of the tips: Make a body scrub by mixing Turbinado (that’s sugar that comes from the first pressing of the sugar cane), olive oil and coarsely ground coffee, the latter of which Miss Paltrow does not, repeat, does not ever drink. Soften skin with oatmeal and honey before rubbing it with aloe vera juice to reduce redness, and reduce puffy morning eyes by placing chilled spoons over your lids or use cotton pads soaked in cold milk. Prevent wrinkles by doing daily facial exercises like sticking your tongue out as far as you can while keeping your eyes wide for 30 seconds. Apply a boatload of coconut oil after a bath to goop up your skin, which we can assure you is the story behind her seriously oily legs on “Letterman” recently.

Okay, Goopy, let’s talk.

This morning, I awoke to find the first installment of The Zoe Report in my inbox. What a way to start the day! Celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe won us over with her reality show, “The Rachel Zoe Project,” but can another email newsletter succeed? Or will she become another Gwyneth Paltrow and The Zoe Report mere GOOP?  After the jump, we dissect TZR’s inaugural email.

Overzealous health insani-turd Gwyneth Paltrow is detoxing yet again. In January, she wrote, “I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year.” Well, this sure is proving true. She’s just finishing up a three-week stint on Dr. Alejandro Junger’s Clean program, which she describes and advocates in the latest GOOP newsletter. We can get behind the part of this plan where she got lots of massages and clocked a bunch of hours in the sauna. But giving up caffeine, dairy, and all processed foods—not so sure about that. And we’re seriously opposed to the part of this program that lets you have two liquid “meals” per day with only one meal of actual food in between. She seems pretty happy with the results. “I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly [sic] fun and delicious ‘relax and enjoy life phase’ about a month ago,” she said. Doesn’t it seem like every time this stick thin actress puts something remotely food-like in her mouth she goes all detoxorexic? “Enjoy life phase”—that’s just called being a normal person, Goopy. [GOOP via People]

I usually find the “MAKE” editions of GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s newsletter that attempts to “nourish the inner aspect,” the most tolerable. They’re recipes and how offensive and annoying can food really be? This week, Gwyneth introduces us to the cookie and treat recipes from some of her friends, including Evi, a Holocaust survivor, and Katie Lee Joel. Of the latter, Gwyneth writes:

“The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her.”

Wait. Hold up. “Her husband William?” Don’t you mean Billy? As in, BILLY JOEL? Is this Gwyneth’s attempt at not namedropping? Because that would be effing stupid, considering GOOP is one big celebrity snog fest. Seriously, what a pretentious twat.

Oh also, big old error in the last bit of this week’s newsletter. See above—guess someone forget to include the copy for next week’s preview, and Gwyneth, ever the diligent editor, didn’t notice it was missing either. Oopsies! What will William and his lovely wife Katherine say? [GOOP]

Gwynnie was on “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” last night and in the first part of her interview, she had a mysterious shiny substance slathered all over her legs. I suspect it was some sort of body oil, not lotion as some bloggers have suggested. Anyway, the studio lights were probably reflecting so badly off her stems and blinding people in the audience, so before the second part of her interview, someone wiped her down. Check out the video of her interview, after the jump… [via SoupSoup]

In theory, I love detox cleanses. The idea of spending three to five days concentrated solely on health and emerging energetic and, um, skinny, excites me. In reality, I can’t quite conjure the joy.

This is not to say that I don’t force myself through them on a semi-regular basis. I’ve tried a number of cleanses, from the popular BluePrint juice diet to the extreme Master Cleanse. I was excited when last week a friend (who is also into this stuff) recommended I try Gwyneth Paltrow’s regime from her GOOP newsletter. I was eager to try something new, something homemade that (I assumed) wouldn’t cost me too much. However, I ended up dumping the whole thing in three days.

In today’s installment of GOOP, the newsletter we love to hate and hate to love, Gwyneth Paltrow bores us to tears with words of wisdom about “evil tongue,” i.e. speaking evil of others. Before asking her various gurus and life coaches and self-help experts to help her understand “the consequences of perpetuating negativity or feeling schadenfreude,” she talks about her experience with a “frenemy” and admits that her own tongue, GASP, is occasionally evil.

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road.

Naturally, we didn’t give a s**t about any of GOOP’s “lessons” about, um, s**t-talking, but we did go cuh-razy hypothesizing about WHO this “frenemy” could be. Frankly, it’s so obvious, it’s almost sad. Our theory, after the jump.

Ten years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow was a Hollywood golden girl.  She won an Oscar, she dated Brad Pitt, and then she married a rock star. (Okay, he’s more like an emo star.) She even popped out a couple of cute kids and nobody said boo when she gave Apple and Moses silly names. 

But, with the GOOP blog and the rabbit-food-diet rumors, Goldilocks is so tarnished, it’s no wonder she’s out of touch. Nobody wants to join Gwyn’s new NYC gym, which she is starting up later this year with her (and Madonna’s) trainer, Tracy Anderson, because the price is so ridiculous. Girlfriend wants $4,500 just to join, plus hundreds of dollars each month in fees.  Just to exercise! What recession?! Gym representatives are cold-calling potential customers, but instead of joining, they’re just laughing, padlocking their wallets, and calling the tabloids. [NY Post]

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
Even though I sort of can’t stand you and think it’s annoying that you think your taste is so amazing and your life is so grand as to warrant informing others how they can better their lives, I must admit I look forward to my weekly dose of GOOP. BUT, a token of advice: when you contact “five brilliant directors (four of whom I have worked with and one who I worship)” and ask them to list their favorite movies, you might want to make sure you spell their names correctly. Especially the one you “worship.” It’s Sofia, not Sophia, Coppola.
Love,
Amelia

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know that she’s definitely going to drop those “few pounds of holiday excess,” and you can, too! In her latest GOOP newsletter, Gwynie shares the secret to shedding those pounds quickly: a detox diet! While a fan of hardcore Master Cleanses in the past, she couldn’t fathom sucking on lemons in the middle of winter, so she consulted her detox diet specialist (don’t you have one?!). He provided her with a cleanse diet that bans gluten, dairy, processed food, shellfish, condiments, sugar, and fun. Gwyneth took his recs and created a seven-day “elimination” menu, including lots of shakes and juices that “are meant to be liquid meals that help decrease the amount of work your digestive system has to do.”

Gwyneth Paltrow has an email newsletter named GOOP, which we told you about earlier. For a while now, we’ve wondered where the heck she came up with the name, and we finally have an answer. “G.P.” are Gwyneth’s initials, and she told The New York Observer that “Goop is actually a family nickname.” Gwyneth finds time in her busy life to put together these newsletters about once a week, and in each one she shares some information that will help you “nourish the inner aspect.”

Last week, Gwyneth Paltrow was on “Oprah” extolling the virtues of her two hour daily workouts and sharing how one “wine soaked” dinner with Madonna “reorganized her molecules.” This week, she’s moved on to unveiling “Goop,” which sounds a lot like a hair product we once used in the ‘80s, but is actually the name of her new lifestyle website. Goop has six sections: Make, Go, Get, Do, Be, and See, and while currently each section just takes the reader to Gwyneth’s mission statement—“Nourish the inner aspect”—it’s clear that through her site, she plans to share all her little wisdoms, secrets, and discoveries, so you know, the rest of us can attain the perfection that is her life. “Whether you want a good place to eat in London,” she writes, “some advice on where to stay in Austin, the recipe I made up this week, or some thoughts from one of my sages, Goop is a little bit of everything that makes up my life.” I wonder if she’ll share advice for choosing baby names.