Seven years ago, I was doing an internship in Mexico and attempting proficiency in Spanish. One night at a club with some friends, I nearly broke my face after slipping on the booze-soaked floor. Had I been with English-speaking friends, I would have dusted myself off and uttered with a sly smile, “Well, that was embarrassing.” Instead, I looked at my Mexican buds and pooed a clumsy “Estoy embarazada.” Their jaws dropped. I’d forgotten for a moment that “embarazada” does not mean “embarrassed.” It means “pregnant.”
It’s hard to be cool in your second language. But it’s even harder to be sexy. Keep reading »
The moment that my boyfriend got up to use the restroom, my friend Liz* turned to me and said gravely and in hushed tones, “All right, I need to make this quick before he gets back from the bathroom.”
Surprised, I replied, “OK???” She sounded like she’d been desperately holding something in all evening, just waiting for us to be alone.
“I just need to tell somebody this. I found out this week that Jay*” — her fiancé whom she has been with for 10 years — “has been masturbating to porn when I’m not around. Like, instead of having sex with me.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought Liz was going to say she found out Jay was cheating. He was only looking at porn, though! Thank God!
But as I would soon find out, for Liz, there wasn’t much difference between the two. Keep reading »
Just a few years ago, I had a huge pair of balls. Big, old honkin’ balls. And then I moved in with my boyfriend.
He’s not a particularly “Grr! I’m a man! I’m going to take care of you!” kind of guy. But he does like taking care of me, so I try to let him do that, and it’s nice having him around to do the unpleasant stuff. He lugs the garbage downstairs twice a week. He carries the heaviest grocery bags. He’ll get up in the middle of the night if I think I hear an axe murderer padding around our kitchen. It’s sweet and I love it. But if I’m honest with myself, being taken care of by a guy for the first time is making me a little soft. And I know this because just a few weeks ago, when he was out at band practice, I was walking up the stairs in my high-heeled boots, and I thought to myself, “I hope I don’t fall trip and fall! That would be bad! He’s not around to help me if I get hurt!”
I wasn’t always like this, I swear! I used to actually be, you know, independent. Let me take you back to spring 2004 … Keep reading »
I’m of the last generation to learn about sex without the help of the internet. While I was spared the misinformation my pre-teen mind would’ve encountered in her furtive Google searches, I also missed out on the comprehensive dialogue that today’s young people can access. Which might not be so bad, if I’d had access to any other trustworthy way to learn about sexuality. Keep reading »
The other day I caught up with a guy friend over instant messenger. We hadn’t talked in a while, so he had to be filled in on my wonderful boyfriend of nine months. “I just wish I had met him when I was younger, like 18,” I enthused. “It seems like such a waste of time that I didn’t meet him until I was 25.”
“Aww, so you would have had more time together? That’s so romantic,” my friend said.
“Well, yes … but that’s not exactly what I meant. I wish I hadn’t bothered dating other guys,” I explained. “Really, what was the point?” Keep reading »
There will be some point in your career as a 20-something when someone will break your heart, and bad. By bad I mean, you may think you’re having a nervous breakdown and will have the desire to be hospitalized. In some cases, this actually may happen. Here’s how to deal:
Suck it up: When I was crying at my desk, my older, married co-worker sat down and looked me straight in my tear-stained eyes and said, “You have to understand, this guy might be one of a bunch of different guys you will date until you find someone who’s really in it to win it,” he said. Putting this person who had just knocked me on my ass within the context of a long line of potential douche bags down the road somehow made it hurt a bit less. Keep reading »
When spurned mistress LaVaughnie Wilkins put up billboards around Manhattan to embarrass her former lover, Charles Phillips, the only thing that surprised me about it was how publicly she chose to do it. But “getting revenge” didn’t surprise me at all. Spurned mistresses want revenge. Spurned mistresses go for the jugular. Spurned mistresses do crazy things because they are hurt.
Last year I fooled around with a guy who had a girlfriend. While we were cheating, he repeatedly told me he wanted to break up with his girlfriend to be with me and, like an idiot, I believed him. Lots of bad stuff happened and I lost my temper, big time: I wrote a long email to this guy’s girlfriend explaining everything about how he’d been two-timing her with me and sent it to her work email.
I’m not particularly proud of this story, but I’m going to tell it to you anyway. Keep reading »
I was really young and naïve when I met Christian* at a nightclub. By “young,” I mean 18 and by “naïve,” I mean an inexperienced dater who thought men would only like me for my intelligence.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” Christian asked some other club goers in line. I looked behind me to see where the beautiful girl was. I certainly didn’t think it was me. But he pointed at me again. He was standing in the club’s entryway wearing big, Buddy Holly glasses, black leather pants, and reeking of “teen icon.” Then he smiled – a wide, devilish grin. With one hand, he offered me a lollipop; with the other he held a whiskey on the rocks. In fact, in the four years (on and off) that we were involved, Christian usually had a whiskey on the rocks. It was like his signature accessory. Keep reading »
I’ve always considered fighting to be a really important part of a relationship. Almost as important as how we f**k. Hear me out on this one. Just like screwing, I’ve always thought that there needed to be a balance, a compatibility in the way my dude and I verbally sparred. If we fought the same — either by withdrawing emotionally or screaming obscenities or sobbing tears of rage — our disagreements would never, ever end. I’m a weeper and, at times, an emotional mess. Often the only thing that can pull me out of the sinkhole is the soothing voice and manner of someone — a man, in this case — taking charge and putting an end to a fight as swiftly as it began. It’s the one area of my life where sometimes I feel like I need a little “saving.” Keep reading »
I think we can all agree that the internet has made it much, much harder to get over a breakup. Sure, you may have successfully erased his number from your phone, used his junior high football T-shirt as a rag, put away all your couple photos, ordered him never to call again, and cursed him to hell, but all of that effort is almost a waste considering he’s just a click of the mouse away.
After a while, though, watching how he’s growing in the midriff via Facebook photos loses its luster. You already know almost everything about him anyway, after all that time you spent/wasted. But what about his new girlfriend? She’s someone to be curious about. Keep reading »