It’s Halloween and everyone is gearing up with their spookiest stories. Maybe you’ve never experienced a bonafide haunting, but there might be a ghost in your midst and it could be wreaking more havoc than you’d imagine. We’re talking about the deep, dark issues that haunt your relationship — the kind that pop up and scare the crap out of you and your partner on an otherwise uneventful Tuesday evening. From unresolved crap with mom and dad to the emotional affair that’s been eating away at you, no relationship is safe. Happy couples know that the only way to deal with these phantoms, is not to hide in fear, but rather, shine a light on them. Unfortunately, there are no proton packs that will turn your issues into green slime — if only it were that easy! — but here are a few tips for scaring your relationship ghosts out of the dark corners where they lurk. Keep reading »
Ke$ha is a crazy special flower isn’t she? The pop singer and reality TV star stopped by “Late Night With Jimmy Kimmel” last night to promote the new season of her MTV show and was very candid about her close encounters with the third kind. Now, we were already privy to the knowledge that Ke$ha has gotten down and dirty with a ghost before — the experience even inspired her song “Supernatural” — but now it seems things have taken a more … invasive turn. See, a ghost is now haunting her vagina, like, according to her hypnotherapist, she has dead people inside her, primarily in the region of her ladyparts it seems. That’s one way to explain a dry spell. “Yeah, it’s been awhile since I got laid, but the ghoul in my twat is kind of a turnoff, go figure.”
Let me be clear: this house wasn’t in any way meant to be spooky. Nor was it Halloween. Even worse, my host didn’t forewarn me that there might be anything even vaguely strange about his place. The only thing he did mention, while unzipping my skirt, was that he was planning to put in an outdoor jacuzzi, just to enhance the whole ’70s swinger vibe he was going for.
I was in the middle of a “fuck tour” of Manhattan: a long weekend that literally started with an orgy at my friend’s place and continued as I met up with other people. My friend, being a fixture in the NYC sex scene for years, had a very extensive contact list of people who were willing to help the new girl get as many notches on her bedpost as possible. After a sex-starved stint working as a temp in a stuffy office, I was ready to let loose. The boy who I later discovered had a haunted house, went by the self-appointed name “Byron,” and that was the only name I knew him by. He was tall and skinny with a British accent. That was enough for me to want to spend some more private time with him.
Byron had a nice apartment, full of warm golden light and a well-stocked bar, which I drank only one glass of wine from, refusing a second. Half of the frisson of these casual encounters was the tiny lick of fear at the base of my spine that came from a lifetime of stranger-danger stories, and as a precaution, I always tried to remain as alert as possible. Little did I know, I was scared of the wrong thing. Keep reading »
Dating must be so much easier when you’re a ghost. No more worrying about what to wear (nothing!), who picks up the tab (you don’t eat!) or whether or not he’ll come back to your place (you don’t have one!). Your biggest concern when you’re a dead dater is what decade your date passed in and if he will get your cultural references. Or, I guess it could be problematic if he’s obsessed with reconnecting with his still-living soul mate like Patrick Swayze in “Ghost.” So sexy, but so unavailable.
GhostSingles.com is a new online dating site for dead people. It’s perfect for lonely ghosts who want to spice up their afterlife or those who want to find the the perfect entity to settle down and haunt the world with. Sadly, they don’t accept profiles from the undead, the living dead or mortals. So, you’re out of luck if you have a thing for ghosts. But if you’re unhappy about their inter-world dating policy, you can contact GhostSingles.com via gypsy, psychic, telephone (there’s no number, you’ll have to let it dial itself) or email. Hey, the dead love technology. In the meantime, check out the profiles of a couple of the site’s deceased singles. BRILLIANT. [Oddity Central] Keep reading »
Dear Huang Jianjun,
I know you take your ghostbusting extremely seriously. Killing ghosts has been your passion since you saw “Ghostbusters” in the ’80s. I’ve always wanted to be supportive of you and your dreams, so I refrained from telling you that I thought your idea to start a ghostbusting business was absurd. What can I say? I was tired of you sitting around all day watching watching succubus porn and drinking Mountain Dew, so I lied and told you to start your business. I wanted that imprint of your ass off my couch. I realize now that was a mistake. You used your business as an excuse to have sex with an unsuspecting woman. And here I was believing that we never had sex anymore because you weren’t “attracted to sentient beings.” Ha! What a fool I was. I suppose you were lying about not being able to get it up because of your diabetes too. Keep reading »
A couple weeks ago I saw a sappy romantic movie with my friend Kevin. I won’t tell you which movie at the risk of spoiling it for you, but at the end of this sappy romantic movie, the main character finds out that her best friend was actually a ghost. I was totally thrown off by this ghost plot twist, but it turns out Kevin was quite taken with the idea of being friends with ghosts. “Think about it,” he told me on the way home, “a ghost friend would never get in the way of where you wanted to put a chair.” I had no idea that Kevin was so inconvenienced by the way his mortal friends get in the way of his chairs, but apparently it’s a major problem in his life. When I mentioned the concept of ghost friends to Ami, she, too, was instantly obsessed, so we teamed up to compile the following list of reasons to be friends with a ghost. Read on if you’re in the market for a supernatural BFF… Keep reading »
We’re not followers of Ke$ha’s music, but after hearing about the inspiration for her latest song, “Supernatural,” we’re, well, haunted. “It’s about experiences with the supernatural… but in a sexy way,” she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show. “I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural. I don’t know his name! He was a ghost! I’m very open to it.” [Huffington Post]
Listen, we’re not totally opposed to concept of their being an afterlife and that some spirits walk amongst us. But we don’t know that we’d be game to get frisky with one either. Doesn’t seem very … intimate. But maybe we’re wrong. After all, Ke$ha is not the only person to have had some sort of sexual encounter with someone or something not quite … human. Read on for more sexual encounters of the third kind…
Talk about sexual harassment in the workplace: Bartenders at a pub in the UK say someone in their bar is indiscriminately pinching their butts. But it’s not a patron whose getting grabby … it’s a ghost. Both male and female staff at The Queens Arms in Birmingham report feeling “a very firm pinch” which happens “day and night.” They assume it’s from a “small, bald, smartly-dressed” phantom who haunts the 170-year-old pub, moving chairs, singing and causing mysterious puffs of smoke. Explained the manager, in adorable British parlance, “You turn round, but there’s no one there. It’s most off-putting.” Most off-putting, indeed! And wily, too. At least if a drunken patron was getting fresh there would be some sort of physical entity to slap. [Daily Mail UK]
Do we even need to debate this? Obviously, this supermarket in Australia is haunted. There’s no way that fruit roll-up could have just fallen off that shelf on its own. Not a chance! I’m hoping this means you can still eat food in the afterlife, which would be great news. I have a feeling that if my soul got trapped on Earth, I would be doing pretty much the same thing. Only, I would skip the fruit roll-ups and go right for the ice cream aisle. Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. All those calories and none of the consequences? It’s a no-brainer. [Newslite]