You hate “Twilight,” right? Just seeing those stupid promotional posters hanging in the movie theatre where you went to see something super-intellectual like, oh, I don’t know, fucking “Argo” or something, gives you an innate visceral malaise. Well, you know who hates it more? Robert Pattinson. You know, the star of the whole damn thing? Yeah, well, he hates “Twilight.” He is sick to death of “Twilight.” Coincidentally, he would also like to break the hands and mouth of whoever coined the name “R. Pattz.” And he hates his life. And you absolutely must see R. Pattz Hates His Life, a Tumblr full of GIFs that demonstrate just how much Rob hates his life. And “Twilight.” He’s out of his mind and it is fantastic. That Kristen Stewart is a lucky girl. Livin’ the dream of all weirdos everywhere. [Robert Pattinson Hates His Life]
Now that Disney has purchased LucasFilm, Princess Leia has got to get with the program on that whole Disney princess thing. Lucky for Leia, the other Disney princesses are all happy to teach her how to be a pretty, pretty princess and wait quietly by until her prince comes to save her. In song, of course.
Do you love Skittles but hate disorder? Are you, well, kind of an OCD monster? Good thing Youtube user egenriether is thinking of you. He designed a fancy sorter using a phototransistor in order to identify and sort Skittles by color. It’s kind of mesmerizing. [YouTube]
There’s histrionics, and then there’s histrionics. And perhaps nobody knows that better than the announcer guy for “The People’s Court.” He’s turned witty voiceover-speak into a slightly sardonic, possibly passive aggressive and definitely psychotic artform. Just listen!
Be tough, be smart, don’t forget to lovingly groom your moustache — and save all the bacon you possibly can. That’s what “Parks and Recreation”‘s Ron Swanson recommends, especially considering we’re supposedly heading into a bacon shortage. You might, like Ron, want to consider all of your bacon hiding spots, okay? The more you know … [YouTube]
Just one time won’t do; you’re going to have to watch this video at least twice before you can even begin to comprehend what’s going on … and maybe not even then. Karl Lagerfeld graced French television Monday night as a guest on talk show Le Grand Journal and, naturellement, the subject arose of le chat Choupette. An admirer takes the opportunity to praise Karl’s love of cats, then proceeds to shock the Chanel designer by turning the camera to his own pet, Chat Lagerfeld. We soon discover that Chat Lagerfeld may not, in fact, be a cat at all. At all. The Kaiser is not amused. (But he totally is.) [The Cut]
Colonel Meow is like the anti-Lil Bub — a cat so fiercely snooty and evil that he refers to his followers as “minions.” The other day, Colonel Meow took to Facebook to show his disdain for another familiar furry face — Boo, the adorable Pomeranian pup. Needless to say, Meow is not a fan. [YouTube]
Attention, wanton young ladies everywhere (shit, are they talking about me?): Chanel is coming for you, and it isn’t going to be pretty. Well, maybe not quite, but police in the British town of Bolton are laying down the law with Operation Lagerfeld, a zero-tolerance plan targeting teenage girls “drinking in the streets in the early hours of the morning.” Before anyone cries slut-shaming, I think it’s pretty clear that the intention of this scheme is to keep said girls safe, because as town sergeant Dave Tann explains, “They are vulnerable and could become the victim of a serious crime.” It’s only natural that they bring Karl’s name into the mess, because really, who better to instill a touch of modesty in young libertines than the arbiter of class himself, who’s been known to occasionally advise that certain women should only show their backsides? [Anorak]
I love this video, which helpfully outlines just why and how cats rule and dogs drool. The only small suggestion I have is that they hire German director Werner Herzog to narrate the next one. This video is instructive, and very, very accurate (though Amelia and Lucca might say otherwise). [Buzzfeed]
Just kidding! This is obviously not actually Glenn Close’s body, but merely a strange photo opp that took place during Sunday night’s Emmy Awards. A lot of weird stuff goes on backstage at the Emmys — and there are tons of personal gifting suites, so that rich people who can afford anything are able to get everything for free. Apparently this photo was part of some gift suite mayhem. That’s great and all, but can somebody please ask Glenn Close to stop staring at me?