Emily Winter is not just one of our freelancer writers. Once upon a time, she was also a highly suspect little girl whose parents — both lawyers — made her sign an affidavit to confirm to the Tooth Fairy that she really did lose a tooth she claimed to have lost. She even searched in her Alpha Bits cereal looking for it! Fortunately, her Notary Public father signed off on the document, so she was free to accept renumerance from the Tooth Fairy. Ah, lawyers.
Read Emily’s full affidavit after the jump: Keep reading »
Hi, Publicist Who Sent Us A Press Release About Healthy HooHoo Premium Feminine Care Products!
Thanks for the heads up about how to shower our “most precious parts with these soft and gentle wipes.” And by “most precious parts,” you mean our hoohoos. One thing — is “hoohoo” the name of my vagina? Because it is also the name of my grandmother on my dad’s side, and this could get confusing. If it’s OK with you, I’ll refer to the products by a less disrespectful name, the East River Ferry.
Anyway, I did have a few other queries about your premium line of innovative gal pal accessories. Here goes: Keep reading »
If you’re like a lot of people, you spent at least part of New Year’s Eve in da clurrrb sweatin’ off that fifth cocktail. Okay, maybe that was just me. Now I need to watch this video intently and figure out which type of dancer I am/steal some of their moves. I’m probably the “clumsy” or the “self molester,” not to be confused with the “hair molester.” Which one are you? [YouTube via Laughing Squid]
Since I began working at The Frisky, it’s safe to say my mind has taken a permanent vacation in the gutter: I see phallic clouds, vaginal-looking sandwiches and the number 69 is everywhere. So when someone else stumbles upon something unintentionally inappropriate, I smile wide and remember that I’m not alone in this dirty, dirty world. Take for example, this children’s book illustration, which was posted to Reddit by an appalled parent. Keep reading »
A Redditor posted this photo on the site yesterday, explaining, “My cousin Molly’s grandma went into Spencer’s to look for presents for her family. She thinks she found the best presents ever!” Molly, besides being the name of the completely not amused girl in the Obey shirt, is a nickname for the club drug MDMA. This is why we need to keep our parents and grandparents up-to-date on the latest drug slang, guys. [Huffington Post]
There really is nothing funny about Tila Tequila’s obvious mental health issues, which are evident in her recent rants (excuse me, “satire”) about sympathizing with Hitler and fearing lizard people. But there is something funny about Hitler rejecting Tila Tequila’s support because, amongst other things, she didn’t even call Bobby after “A Shot At Love” finished filming. Thanks to reader Jenna for passing along this flawlessly subtitled video! [YouTube]
During all the years I studied Italian, I never learned much of the important stuff I needed in Italy, like “Only with a condom on!” and “Get your hand out of my purse, you fucking pickpocket scum.” Too bad comedian Veronika Poli wasn’t around. Here are all of the hand gestures you need to know to tell someone to fuck off or shut up, or draw more attention your boobs. The only other thing you need to know is to bring your own condoms and just shake it in their face. [Laughing Squid]
To All Interested Applicants:
Please review the detailed job description before applying. Given that I am too busy with my career, extracurricular activities (like playing Candy Crush and occasionally going to SoulCycle) and an active social life (hanging out with my dog Lucca and tweeting at celebrities) to devote the time required to have a shot at successful online dating, I definitely don’t have the energy to sift through online dating assistant applicants who are not qualified for the job. Please do not apply unless you are willing and able to perform all of the job duties. Keep reading »
Sarah Silverman went on “Totally Biased With W. Kamau Bell” on Thursday to hash out … well, a lot of stuff.
First, there were Bell’s problems: eight years ago when Silverman’s comedy/documentary “Jesus Is Magic” came out, Bell wrote an impassioned blog post (on MySpace, which is what we did back then) about how he thought some of her jokes were racist. Now when you Google his name, that post comes up rather highly. But Sarah Silverman had no hard feelings, I guess, because she wanted to work with Bell a couple years ago. All should be well and good, right? Well, no. Silverman recently appeared at the Comedy Central roast of James Franco, where she cracked a bunch of gay jokes. One of the “Totally Biased” comedians responded to her with some (frankly dumb) jokes about how old she looks. Forty-two is practically dead. So W. Kamau Bell played that dumb clip for her while Silverman was his guest on the show and what resulted was a really refreshing conversation about sexism. Keep reading »
I guess back in the ’80s some baby genius manufactured a phone reflective of the hit Boy George song “Karma Chameleon.” As evidenced by the video, it’s a phone shaped like a chameleon that sings to you every time someone calls. I want it, I want it, I want it! [YouTube]