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For The Week Of February 2-8, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You can’t be everything to everybody and even if you could, would you really want to? No. People are ungrateful and you’d be wasting your time. For now, this is the slogan and this is the reason why you need to put those efforts back into yourself. Work up a sweat at the gym, as it’ll be the best and only place you’ll see results

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If you want to get what you want, you’re going to have to get pushy—but not in the obvious way. This means moving ahead of your competition or who ever is bugging the hell out of you, to put them in their place. Yes, this week will launch a bit of a soap opera theme to your life, but whatever, at least you’ll know you’re the star.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Sunlight deficiency is a bitch, especially when it comes to a nocturnal creature like you. Although you’ll be feeling less motivated to get out and about, this will be your time to make a concerted effort to start switching up your routines and trying out new habits, as being a vegetable right now is the biggest curse you can place on yourself.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your mind will be racing along at twice the speed and this will mean coming up with many hair-brained schemes. Whatever bizarre ideas you dream of, explore it. You’ll be way ahead of yourself and with this energy; it’ll put you in prime position to magnetize a few odd, but worthy, options.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Time to bust out the new man on your friends. Enough of trying to sort out the picture alone — what fun is that? You need a few trusted opinions to seal the deal. Chances are if you take the plunge now, things will fall into place easier — as in scheduling one big meet and greet, rather than sporadic one-on-ones that’ll only breed a chain of preconceived notions.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

When it comes to all matters of power and love, this is when you’re going to be able to take the reins and call the shots as you see them. However, be clear about stating your case, as in not wasting time barking up the wrong tree because once you start setting the demands, it won’t take too long to see who is with you or who isn’t.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

When you love, there is no holding you back. You give all of yourself and want to get the same indulged feeling back. This week, go all out on taking it in, because the love will be there for you. In fact, the more you get lost in it, the higher your creativity will soar and the more you will feel in your element. The catch, this source might need to stay secret for now.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you want anything done this week, you’re going to have to get into the trenches and work it yourself. Sure, friends are there to help, kind of, but they’ll be more focused on their own agenda than being able to do exactly as you say — so don’t rely too much on their advice or favors. This week, seize and conquer on your own.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your patience runs thin and there’ll be no more making excuses for having your kindness exploited. Time to stop it dead in its tracks, come to grips that you are not at your best and rectify the situation. This will mean some big changes, but really, making a decision is the hardest step to make. From there, hire movers to do the rest.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A feeling of wanderlust is going to hit and removing yourself from your current environment in any way will do wonders for raising your chances at a spiritual catharsis that can set your world straight. If no such opportunity arises, then it’ll be up to you to make it happen. If this means finding yourself a foreign sex partner for the week, that’ll also do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Take a deep breath and take one day at a time. Seems you will be your own worst enemy this week, as your ability to create paranoias and think up insane scenarios will be at peak levels. The odd thing about it though, it will give you a lot more energy to run from your demons, which can turn out just right if you happen to be darting off in the right direction.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Watch out for a tumultuous turn in your love affairs, as your honey will be feeling way more agitated and you’ll seem to rub each other in all the wrong ways. However, a little tension won’t kill anything, but if you take the high route and use it for good, it can be just the way to reignite the sparks back into the boudoir to put you back in sync, at least sexually speaking.

For The Week Of January 26-February 1, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Time to take a giant step back from your life and look at the whole picture, rather than muddle your mind into the details and ignore the priorities that should matter. Something is amiss and you know it. This is your time to break in better habits, draw new boundaries and see that immediate improvements are possible if you just say it’s so.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The kinkiness coming into your love life is going to make you so hot, it’ll feel as if your having a religious experience. Whatever the challenge, don’t say no—no matter how initially intimidated you are. To say the least, there are some banging good times for you this week and as long as you keep an open mind, fate won’t fail you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This is your time for a new beginning, literally or metaphorically. If you have no plans to move or make a drastic change in your foundations, think about it. The past has had its day with you and the quicker you turn the page and move ahead, the faster it’ll be that destiny plays back and starts giving you more of what you wish.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s not that your honey doesn’t want to give you what you want, it’s that he doesn’t know what you want. Seeing that you’re flying about your own universe at a thousand miles a minute, it can be difficult for the average guy to decipher what’s going on. This week, do plan to sit still and do plan to get in some quality bonding time, it’ll do wonders for making your sweetie smarter.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Striving for security in the normal route you usually go is no longer going to work, as its time for you to step it up and be a little more daring, a little more risqué and a little more devilish in your dealings with others, as just relying on being responsive isn’t going to get you much farther or any happier and if definitely won’t resuscitate your sex life.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

If your love life has been slumping, making you’re feeling as if you should just crawl under a rock, this is going to be one of those weeks you’ll love, as something magical is set to happen, stirring up the pot to bring new life to your libido. To get yourself in order, pimp, preen and pamper yourself into perfection, as you will need to be ready for your moment in the spotlight.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re going to have to put your selfishness aside, as this is the time your boo is going to be extra needy and you’ll have to play the nursemaid. On some level it’ll frustrate you, but on another it’ll turn you on, as you’ll see a more vulnerable side that you never knew existed. So, yes, while the week starts out aggravatingly, it’ll end up quite nicely with much more power in your hands.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It’s all about who you know, and if you call around to those contacts, you’ll find the right piece to the puzzle that’ll get you closer to the ideal place in life that you dream of. This could mean meeting someone special, having a boost in your social status or career. Wherever the connection happens, trust your life is about to get way hotter.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your reputation is going to be under fire, as secrets of yours get leaked out — but fear not, because karma will have your back and support will be coming from surprising places, turning the situation around to put you on top. Seems dirty scandalous stories will have a way of boosting your rep into delicious infamy.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

All the crap you’ve suffered through and the disturbing love affairs you’ve hid in shame will all come converging into a explosive epiphany this week. However, the way you incite this eruption could happen rather bizarrely, but whatever the case, all the pain and sorrow you’ve endured will make sense and this week will make you feel as if where you are is exactly where you should be.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll be feeling extra horny this week, but don’t be a freak about it. If you want it, you can have it — but you’re going to have to put away your shyness routine and pull out those lethal doses of charm to make your point. You know it, don’t sit around waiting for miracles to happen, take the power into your own hands and then into the sweetest parts of you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A major break through in your relationship or the way you have relationships is going to happen and it’ll put your mind in a tizzy, as you’ll see things are no longer the way they use to be and it’ll mean stepping up your game, as the level of skill you are playing against or wanting to play against is higher and no longer are those silly little tricks going to win your any favors.

For The Week Of January 19-25

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Although you’ll hear all sorts of grand ideas and feelings you’ll want to believe in, there’ll be a little voice telling you to hold back. Something about the picture won’t add up, but you won’t be able to put your finger on it. Sure, this might just be paranoia, but whatever the case, best to be safe than sorry. If he means it, let time prove it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Hoorah for love and all the wonders it has brought into your life. While your family might not have the same opinions as you about your honey, they’re just going to have to suck it up. You’ve never been one to have to share your philosophies with them, but this time around, due to all their menacing, you’re going to have to put your foot down and tell them to shut up.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your ability to talk convincing smack is one of your more admirable qualities. However, this week, it could haunt you. Beware of what you say, who you say it to and where you say it. The spies are out and you never know who is going to be where at what time. Yes, to say the least, it that time of the year when those astrological aspects are out to get you if you don’t play it smart.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If a short trip is in your near future, then consider yourself on the right path to happiness. If you don’t have one, then start getting the ball in motion or hop on a plane for a spontaneous getaway. Being a stranger in a strange land will bring out your sexiest and most charismatic side that’ll have you so on, the locals will never be the same.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You might think you’re capable of making major decisions now, but don’t. Feeling strongly about anything now might feel like a revelation, but the problem is that you don’t have all your information yet. Time will pass and reveal all that you need to know. Until then, enjoy a hedonistic approach by avoiding having to choose anything, but momentary pleasure.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Prepare your monologues early this week, because who you want is yours, if you express yourself straight up with no twist by the 22nd. Until then, do your homework, as in streamlining your point succinctly and authoritatively. Do it right and you’ll immediately find your life turn into a hazy dazy bouquet of sexy bliss in one form or another.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your creativity will get intense and inspirations enveloping. With such strong emotions flowing around in your ether, this could lead you down a slippery slope of sentimentality that tempts you to contact someone you think will care to hear about your sensational ideas and plans. However, best to write it in a letter, then burn. If they really were worth it, they wouldn’t be in the past.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Although you love your friends and rely on their opinions, advice and support, this isn’t the time to open your mouth about just anything to them. Not to say they are out to ruin you, but more than a few won’t be able to hold a secret and where they leak it to can get messy. To avoid the disaster, best to put in those extra hours at work and keep yourself busy with ambition.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The haters will be out, but as long as you can keep your lady like decorum about you, you will be the one that comes out smelling like a rose while those bitches go down. After all, no one looks sexy being an evil, “See you next Tuesday” liar that’s getting no play and your dismissiveness of them will only emphasize that point.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Not that you are one for all that hokey pokey new agey stuff, but this week, you’ll be having one of those spiritual revelations that’ll make you think of your life in a whole other realm. A personal shift is going to occur and this will send you in a whole new direction, one where power, sex and wisdom will be coming at you in droves.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If you can’t beat them, join them. When it comes to arguments with your boo and trying to sort out a compromise, your energy won’t have the stamina to go anymore rounds and you’ll start to see that giving in might not the be the worst. Feel free to test the waters on his way of doing things, besides, the out clause is always in effect.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Love will be in the air, as you and your current state of affairs seem to start straightening up and heading into a direction that seems agreeable and exciting for all. However, don’t get too far ahead of yourself and start mapping out the details, as that’ll cause turbulence. For now, for maximum pleasure, enjoy being in the moment.

For The Week Of January 12-18, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Trust there isn’t anything you can say to your honey that he doesn’t know himself. Although you would like to emphasis certain flaws in his character a little more intensely, so he really gets it, hold back the fire. Be willing to be the bigger person and be his supporting cast. Time to do those little tasks that’ll help him along instead, AKA the silent partner.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Cocky behavior might be the thing that sparks your interest with a certain someone, but when that act goes on longer than necessary with no intermission, it’ll have you running for an exit. Forget trying to curb this wild one under your control, as it won’t be worth it. To say he’s an unaware narcissist would be an understatement.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your psychic powers will be on red alert and there won’t be anything you don’t know. Don’t fight the urge to test out your powers by asking questions and seeing what your mind conjures up. However, know you’re playing with fire, as all that you will learn might not be as sunny as you’d hope.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t bother trying to make any decisions. In fact, if you want to keep yourself happy, do the opposite of whatever you plan to do. Seems the grass will be greener on the other side this week and the more you can take a trip on over there, the more satisfying the results. Seems this week waking up on the wrong side of town will have its rewards.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A stubborn someone will be ruining your bliss, making you feel like your stuck in a barrel of glue. Yes, it’ll make you feel less than sexy and wonder why this certain someone can’t get it together to see clearly. Take this as a sign of worse days to come and use it as an opportunity to understand not all is so pretty beyond the surface.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Watch what you say as tempers will flair easily this week, causing whatever you’ve been building in your love life to crumble. To avoid wrecking a good thing, play the mysterious card to concentrate on smoothing out dilemmas in other areas of your life. Not only will this save you from hassles in general, it’ll keep getting you laid.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re the sign of the imagination, so instead of letting nostalgia get the better of you, pick up those paintbrushes, guitar or put on those dancing shoes and work it. There are many more things to do in life than wallow and despite the heavy feeling that will be swarming into your mind, know you also have the power to fight it. You have the choice, be a victim or a volunteer.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Birds of a feather flock together, so don’t be too surprised when a friend starts spouting off her mouth in the most unapologetic way about you and your honey. Sure, you can chalk it off as jealousy or you can use it as a springboard for some self-awareness. Not to say you have to air out your dirty laundry, as some quite time in your journal can be just the trick to work it out.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Nothing you’ve been striving for is going to happen this week, as it all goes into standstill mode with the mercury in retrograde action that begins on the 12th. Yes, the world just won’t hand over rewards easily and in fact it might even snatch a few away. With this little info in your hands, feel free to take those personal days from work and go full out into slug mode.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your emotions will be on fire, blowing everything you hear and feel out of proportion. Of course, this will give you the fire to lay on some of the most intense and drama-laden monologues you’ve given in a long while, so to make the most of it. Put on your most outrageous looks, get under a spotlight and let it out. Your bravado alone will win you applause.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If you find yourself hooking up with someone from your past that was once no good, chances are there might be a small rip in the universe that somehow makes it work now. Not to say it’s forever, but for right now, the lust will be able to hold you steady and give you some of the best confidence boosting sex you’ve had in ages.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Sudden changes in your relationship are going to have you scrambling for your sanity. Not only are agreements going to hit the rocks, but your overall morale with your current state of affairs will go down the tubes too. Seem those cracks you saw ages ago have started to work their damage, as for patching them up? Instead, it might be time for a complete renovation.

For The Week Of January 5-11, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Friendship dramas will make you shut yourself off from the world, but don’t lock the door on everyone. There’ll be one person that’ll make being behind closed doors worth your while, as that nesting mode sensation will kick in for both parties, giving you a glimmer into what tomorrow could bring.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Finally, some passionate romance comes back into your life and makes you feel like a girl again. Having to play the nursemaid, best friend, drinking buddy and all those other sexless roles have brought you to the breaking point, but payback time arrives just in time. Now, time to savor the luxuries of work well done.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Think glamorously and realize the world is your oyster. When it comes to your imagination, dreams and future lays, practice locally, but break out the magic globally. Yes, give yourself something to look forward to and sign yourself up for a foreign adventure. You’ll find that changing up your scene will be just the thing to jog your libido and confidence back into form.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Surprises are in store when intense talks break out with you and your baby. Intimacy will be shooting up a few more flights and taking you on a whirlwind tour of his psyche closer than ever imagined. While the breakthrough in communication will be just what it takes to bring you both onto the same page, it’ll also be what the missing piece that’ll make your sex life explosive.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Money luck is coming and it’ll help you and your baby allay some of your woes. As sudden opportunities appear, it’ll mark a new phase for your relationship. Of course, nothing comes too easily, as they’ll definitely be friction in how you both want to handle the situation. Thankfully, the tension will be just the aphrodisiac to make sex just a little bit more exciting.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

On January 6th, Jupiter, the biggest planet in the solar system and the planet of luck will enter into Aquarius for an entire year. This is something that only happens ever 12 years — equaling a turbo boost of karmic power and privilege and it’s all for you. This means getting your act together, aiming your targets for what you want in life and taking the helm as HBIC.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll be so over the same dumb, but cute, freaks that turning into a hermit will seem seriously appealing. While that’s a bit too extreme, taking a little time out isn’t. Consider this the perfect lead into your most positive soul searching mission, as sorting out the information you have to put the pieces together and form your bigger picture will be clearest now.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your friends are on your side. If they have any suggestion on whom to hook you up with, go for it. Even if it’s obviously not true love forever, it’ll put you in the right mindset to draw in more. If anything, think of them as practice balls, and with enough, you’ll eventually get the hang of when to call it a game faster or recognize a good match.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

When it comes to heated discussions between you and your boo, you’re going to have to take the high route. Accept that a standstill may be the best outcome, let bygones be bygones and move on. While silent grudges will take time to wear off, at the least, appreciate you have a man with some backbone. Otherwise, love with a balless twit would bore you to tears.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Shooting off your mouth has brought you tons of trouble in the past. However, this week starts a new day for you. Yes, finally, the universe will be on your side, as the more absurd and uncensored your talk; the more it’ll be music to some cute little quirky turkey’s ears. Yes, loud trash talking is your call of the wild, use it wisely.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Nobody is going to mess with you this week, as you’ll be in your cool and confident mode. Get ready to take on a big decision about your relationship and steer your life to be where you want, with or without your current partner. This is your take-no-prisoner moment. Be willing to be open to his ideas, but not in lieu of your agenda.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Something inside you will snap and you’ll see that you’re being way too compassionate in your relationship, causing you to a sudden bout of tough love and a touch of cruelty. Call it passive aggressive payback or strategy, either or, it’ll work and you’ll find that what you’ll get is sweet victory.

For The Week Of December 29, 2008-January 4, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Let loose and have your baby show what he’s got, as in taking the reins and being in control. Although he’ll take a different approach than you, making you initially wonder about his abilities, have faith. In store is a surprise that’ll have you feeling as if you’re the smartest, hottest and most romantic couple in the world.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You have such a pleasant way about you that even when you bite off more than you can chew, others somehow find forgiveness in their heart to not even express an iota of irritation towards you. This week, when you do it again, know you’re playing the devil. Do try to say, “No,” when you can and save yourself from dealing with hell.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Being “accidentally” outted on one of your secrets by someone close to you will make you want to kill. However, going the violent route isn’t going to win you as much bliss as much as staying civil and using guilt as your weapon to slowly gut the offender and anyone else involved. After all, accidents can happen on two-way streets.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

There’s no reason to have to get specific about anything in regard to matters of love, sex and relationships. You are under no obligation to have to lay down any detailed commitment, as being vague will do. After all, painting a bigger picture will do far more for inspiring another than trying to haphazardly fill in the dots.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

With the new year here, time to see if your boo is really going to put his money were is mouth is, as all those promises he made have reached payback day. If he isn’t making the moves to ensure his words, time you start enforcing your deadlines. However, don’t be cruel, be tantalizing, as it’s the tease that’ll get your ultimatums met.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Your latest will inspire all sorts of sexy ideas to crawl to across your mind, making you one hot bed of smut. Thankfully, you’ll also be totally impatient and want what you want, when you want it — which is a fun change of events from your usual methodical methods. This time, the ride you’ll be giving will be so legendary; they’ll want to name a coaster after you at Six Flags.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your tastes are impeccable, at least superficially speaking. However, this week, cue into something deeper. With choices that pop up now, there’ll be more than meets the eye and while the obvious will hypnotize, fight it. Realize the more intriguing and hotter match is beneath a more unique package.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Just when you think you’re onto the right path and that life will unfold in a manner you can comprehend and accept, in comes fate to test you. Yes, in blows a blast from the past that’ll make you curious. However, the story always ends the same — badly. To get a full recap, confer to your friends and have them intervene. They’ve seen it all and don’t want to see it again.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Remember, you‘re the sign of patience, so don’t rush it with a new prospect. Clear your mind of what you think you should be showing off about yourself and relax. Let him do the show-and-tell. You’re in prime position to sit back and enjoy the show, as pushing it to go faster and not taking time to develop a friendship first will result in awkward sex.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ll hear many promises made by your boo and all of which will sound too fantastical to even consider. However, surprises will come from strange circumstances, so strap on your suspension of disbelief and go with it. It’ll be the sexiest thing to put on this week, even if only for 15 minutes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your eyes will be bigger than your vagina, as hotness overload happens and they’ll be too many scrumptious bodies floating near your life, making you want to eat them all up. Luckily, your negotiating skills will be sharp and you’ll have a nice way you can finagle keys numbers into your pocket. However, what happens from there might be more talk than action.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll be getting some headway when it comes to discussing logistical issues with your baby and dealing with those day-to-day tasks that cause petty arguments and somehow build up resentments. This is your week for the breakthroughs and getting it all back to mushy-mushy land, where everything he does will feel golden once again.

Coming This Week: Kiki T’s 2009 Astrological Guide!

Oh yeah, baby, Kiki T has outdone herself. This week, she’ll be breaking down the year ahead for every sign in the zodiac, cluing you in to what’s coming up in terms of love, madness, and obsession. AND she’s even giving you the best dates for love, luck, charisma, and, of course, sex, in 2009. I have already cheated and skimmed mine and let me tell you — given what I already know about my year ahead, Kiki is as accurate (and funny and witty) as ever. So keep checking back this week and tell all your friends! Keep reading »

For The Week Of December 22-28, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

As long as you’re in party mode, nothing will go wrong. This is your time to let loose and free yourself. If this means getting wasted and fessing up to your crush or spilling the beans to your baby on your nasty fantasies, go for it. The outcome will be better than expected. Taking chances will bring you just rewards, so play the game and win those prizes.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

With the new moon and sun happening in your family sector, this will give you the best luck when it comes to dealing with the crazy relatives. If this includes bringing your baby home to meet the parents or vice versa, it’ll go swimmingly as the whole idea of being one cozy little clan will happen better than you possibly could imagine.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If your holidays entail a short trip, then color yourself happy as good times will come your way in the form of new and interesting types crossing your path, offering lots of worthwhile conversation and charming flirtations. While they might be more of the fleeting variety, they’ll be enough to be a nice warm Yule log roasting in your open fire.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t underestimate the power of wealth. If your sweetie isn’t spending the cash literally or metaphorically on you this holiday, take it as a bad sign. Sure, there is a recession going on, but if your present underwhelms, it’s a direct translation of his feelings. After all, thought, care and sentimentality are free and priceless.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This is your time to hop on top of any pressing matters that have been stressing you out and ride that sucker into your control. This will give you the biggest feeling of satisfaction you’ve had in a long time, as enthusiasm to be in the moment will return and that feeling of joie de vivre sparkles in your once again. Reward yourself with new f*** me shoes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Holiday madness will force you to want to retreat and go into soul-searching mode by the end of the week. Seems the barbaric ways of the people around you will be inducing you into a subtle coma that’ll have you needing private time to recoup for the second round of cheer. Avoid the guilt, as you’ve put in your penance. Yes, you’ve earned your freedom of hermitdom.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s going to be all about the love you give others, which might wind up being a little thankless early on, but chances are a surprise is coming for you that’ll prove that all your nurturing and nagging has paid off as someone close to you will be giving you something you’ve always wished and dreamt of.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your fame is on the rise, but don’t let it go to your head. Not to say you don’t deserve all the accolades for a job well done, but not if this means taking on a snotty attitude because that won’t fly well with your honey who will be more than willing to take the role of authority and spank you back into your place. Of course, with such a firm hand, it’ll be a punishment that’ll please.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Expect one of those legendary holidays that deepen you and your boo’s bond, elevating your relationship to a more spiritual level that’ll have you feeling like you’ve been slipped a ruffie. Cast your apprehension aside, as all the doubts and questions you have in your mind will magically get their answers as the rest of the year unravels.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Lucky devil, your house of sex is lighting up big time. It seems a new man is about to come into your life to shake your feathers in a way you’ve never quite had before, bringing out a more intimate side to you that has you feeling more intense. You know it, this mystery man will be a chock full of surprises, ones that can even make you blush.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your relationship’s commitment factor will be your major focus, as big decisions are coming down to the wire. Yes, this is going to be one of those make or break moments that’ll have you feeling the pressure. Luckily, the chances are it’ll be sweet and perfect, so make sure you have the full on hair and make-up happening because these moments will be Kodak moments.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

All your vices will be wearing thin, making you feel exacerbated by the old ways and ready for a change. Call it your own X-mas Carol moment, but something will jog your mind, throwing you into a future tense mode and forcing change. Yes, sudden break-ups and breakdowns are expected, but at the end, you’ll be victorious.

For The Week Of December 15-21, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to. After all, why fight the selfish, lazy, and irritable mood that’s how you honestly feel? Bah humbug all the way, but you’re not the only one feeling the slump. When it comes to connecting over misery, you’ll find complaining is an effective and joyous method of foreplay.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Bitching will get you heard, and the louder the better. No more sitting on the sidelines, trying to play perfect in your partnership, as that isn’t going to make you happy at the end of the day. This isn’t to say your honey isn’t out to please, but when you don’t say a thing, how will he ever know what to do? He may be cute, but smart? Not always.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll finally hear words you want to hear, but where that’ll lead won’t be what you’d assume. It seems a new can of worms will open, leading you down another dramatic path that has more questions than answers. At least the power to decide your fate is back in your hands, and that’s as good as you can ask for at this point.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The bottom line on your current prospect is if you’re not feeling the love by this week, call it quits, as you’ll never get to that level of intimacy you crave. Yes, your optimist is getting the better of you, and to think your latest deeper than he is would only be wasting your imagination. Better to spend your time in bed catching up on sleep.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If your baby can’t get with your current program, then it’s time to listen to those voices in your head and reconsider past compromises you’ve made as a favor to him. Time to see the bigger picture and realize you’ve been getting the shorter end of the stick. Llike any red-blooded lady, if you’re going to be stuck with any side of the a stick, you need it big. Don’t settle.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

When it comes to friends, it makes life a lot easier when they’re enablers. This week, when life brings a new batch of weirdos to court you, feel free to call in the peanut gallery to get their assessments. Chances are they’ll find just the right way to paint a fun and enticing picture. After all, if your love life can’t be rewarding, it should at least be entertaining.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

New loves are not your old ones. Sure, the past matters in building your future, but when you short-circuit and hold someone new accountable for past sins of a prior relationship, that’s called head-tripping. Resolve your issues before getting in too deep with another. The emotional luggage you’re carrying is a cross too heavy to bear for you and any other trying to get near.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your idealism will be percolating with all sorts of grand visions of your holidays, which can be a source of great inspiration or damnation, depending on the expectations you place on those around you. However, chances improve if you use your expansive imagination, as it seems those around you won’t be on par with your agenda.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Midweek, there’ll be a blip of something that could be remotely romantic in your life, but otherwise this isn’t the perfect moment for love. Surprisingly enough, you won’t care, as you’ll be far too consumed with work and trying to get all those errands done on time to be free enough to enjoy getting properly sloshed and sexed during the holidays.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Secrets are going to pour out, and skeletons in closets that you didn’t think you had will blindside you. Thankfully, this will come just in time to show you that your latest catch isn’t as dull as you had assumed and actually has some edge. Now, with gossip and drama back at your disposable, you’ll be feeling in your element once again.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Finally, you’ll feel as if the universe has some sympathy for you, as that contentious side of your honey will subside and be willing to call a truce long enough to discuss compromise. However, just because he’s talking the right words, until he backs it up with action, don’t sigh that breath of relief quite yet.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

People can badger you all they want and you can ignore them — but when your boo starts throwing his two cents in on the way you should be living, that’s when you have to break out the diva speeches and tell him to stop projecting his crap onto you. While there might be some truth in his accusations, there are other, less rude ways to nag, without killing your holiday buzz.

For The Week Of December 8-14, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Not everyone is as together as you, but you can’t penalize another for it. This week, there may be hope if you’re willing to take control and show him the way. Frustrating and aggravating, for sure. Rewarding and touching, surprisingly so. Seems something about his neediness will be endearing and something about your bossiness will be extra saucy.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll have to tune out a lot when it comes to getting the romantic week you deserve. As it’ll go, there’ll be many opinions spewed and many demands made that won’t bode well with your state of mind. However, the visuals will be to your liking and as long as you approach the matters as objects d’art having its nuances they’ll be no pain.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Negotiations with you and sweetie are going to get tough in many ways. Besides seeing another side to that someone you didn’t think could exist, it’ll also bring out a feeling inside of you that you hate. All in all, an emotionally stressful time that’ll have you needing to spend a lot of money on useless things.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your freakiness is about to turn up a few notches as they’ll be a friendly someone that’s been close to you this whole time that’ll unleash his and inspire you to spill all your secrets as if you were the fountains of Trevi — and like that historical spot, if you throw your two cents in, you’ll get what you ask for.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Nobody is perfect and although you know it, you somehow can’t seem to accept it. So, instead of trying to fight yourself and convince yourself that the impossible can happen with this person, remove yourself from the situation where you have these expectations and vindicate yourself. Out of sight is soon out of mind.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Listening to your human sex toy bitch all day blows, especially when he doesn’t pay attention to all your worries and woes. If you’re going to get any satisfaction this week, it’ll be through more private and personal affairs. Tune out the world and focus back on you. If this means plugging in a more loyal friend, at least it’s guaranteed to satisfy without talking back.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Burn the sage and clear the negative vibes from your home. The energy has gone straight up sour. Refresh the mood to revitalize your inner vixen. Although this might sound ridiculous now, do it and in a few days you’ll see your pad return to being party central with your body as the altar in which many will want to worship. After all, what do you have to lose?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Not everyone can be your honey and not everyone can be just a friend. If it were that easy, there would be far less books on the shelves in stores today. So, instead of frustratingly trying to make sense of a star-crossed situation, accept you can’t put a circle in a square and do what you must. Only you can draw this boundary and the chalk is in your hands.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your misguided generosities have burned you before, but you never seem to learn. This time around, you have too much to lay on the line for just any pretty face that you think you can save. Pull the purse strings shut now and put your love where it’ll matter, as in anywhere, but with him. If he’s worth it, let him sort it out and then try to win you back.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ve exhausted explaining your point of view. If that special someone isn’t seeing it, you might have to question his intelligence and weigh out how important the issue at hand truly is versus how dear that oblivious person is to you. However, if you give them the chance to express to you without words what they do understand, you might just find a compromise.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your wild side will be out needing to be satiated. Unfortunately, your logic will be tugging at you, trying to censor your behavior and leaving you one big ole confused mess. Luckily, you’re in the right place at the right time to take cues from your boo, as listening will be bring you the sweetest nectar.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Battles with your baby that you never thought would end are going to. Call it a miracle or a hard won truce, but your peace of mind will get restored. Love it and don’t question it. In fact, best to move ahead quickly to erase the trauma from your minds. If possible, go for a spontaneous weekend love-fest. From there, all things will be possible again.

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