Snail secretion…ew. If we at The Frisky did not feel a great responsibility to report every beauty secret we discover/investigate/stumble across, we would have left the snail dribble alone and kept down our lunches. Yet, sadly for my stomach, we take our beauty products seriously. I was prepared to laugh off snail secretion face creams as the cream of the bizarre beauty crop, but those pesky peeps at The International Society of Skin Pharmacology Journal wouldn’t let me. Oh yes, those evil scientists cackled evilly as they discovered the regenerative qualities of the snail slime and its beneficial facial effects. The gist of our slimy friend’s beauty success lies in the secretions ability to block out harmful environmental pollution. We might have speed, but we do not have slime that protects us from UV radiation. Luckily for humans (and not so luckily for snails), snail secretion not only protects human skin but has rejuvenating properties as well! To be honest, the article lost me when it started getting into snail immunology, but until my own mental powers failed me, the science sounded plausible enough. No one is claiming snail secretion will permanently solve all your epidermis worries, but if a snail secretion based cream is used daily, you should see improvements faster than at a snails pace. None of the products are drastically different, but because we are The Frisky, we found you the best of every category.

If you want a thinner face or you are into Darth Vader chic, then I have the product for you. After mulling over the absurdity that is the Japanese Face Slimmer I understand the beauty process as follows: the mask smushes your face to slim it down. First, it melts the fat off your face by massaging your facial dermis—I have always thought there was a fine line between massaging and mauling. Then, the sweat produced from the poorly-ventilated mask combined with the sweat from your chubby cheeks acts as a sauna.

If you have the self-confidence to actually wear this face mask, then kudos to you. For the rest of us who lack egos of steel, a good (or even mediocre) bronzer can fake high cheekbones without the risk of permanently scarring your cat/boyfriend/neighbors, etc. [$32, Japanese Face Slimmer, Amazon]

We saw pics of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt wearing surgical masks after returning from swine flu-plagued Mexico, and suddenly we couldn’t imagine life without the protective gear. I mean, what are we here for if not to emulate Speidi in every possible way?

As it turns out, we weren’t the only ones looking to copy the face mask fashion statement. A Japanese designer has come out with 15 awesome animal and human inspired protective surgical masks. Drug stores across America are selling out of face masks already, ostensibly because of the whole “swine flu” epidemic, but we think it’s because everyone’s favorite reality couple was snapped rocking them so attractively.

Thankfully, a little more digging yielded a painter’s mask. We added some doily bits abandoned in a desk drawer, and our sexy Simcha kindly modeled The Frisky’s take on this season’s perfect accessory for your paranoia. It’s a little over the top, but we had to compete with Speidi somehow, didn’t we?

Manufacturers believe women will do anything to be young and beautiful—like wear the most terrifyingly Halloween-esque mask with electrode stimulators to “rejuvenate” themselves. Luckily Ghoul Skool from EverythingIsTerrible.com sees the beauty in every woman and has a sense of humor to match this rare vintage video gem he edited from the original infomercial. So, when you’re feeling fugs, just watch this clip and save yourself the “three easy installments of $29.95!”