Several years ago, fresh out of a long-term, live-in relationship, I started seeing a guy I met in a bar who was also on the rebound. I was searching for the antithesis of my ex, and as a well-traveled, charming, cocky med student, he fit the bill perfectly. He, on the other hand, seemed to be searching for someone exactly like his ex, a fellow med student who, I learned, loved strappy heels, expensive boutiques, and spoke with a Russian accent. Much to my rebound’s chagrin, I was nothing like his ex, despite his constant effort to mold me into something resembling her. “You’re totally still in love with her,” I accused him one afternoon for the umpteenth time after he recommended yet another store where she liked to shop. “You’re crazy!” he exclaimed again, something, in my vulnerable state, I was beginning to believe.

Every time I’ve ever had sex with an ex, the results have been nothing short of disastrous. There was the time I had sympathy sex with the guy I didn’t love him anymore (resulting in him being certain I still was); the um, “incident” where I made a complete fool of myself when I gave an ex a blow job even though he definitely didn’t love me anymore (the lowest of low ex sex); and the horrifying moment when I cheated on my then bad boyfriend with the sweet ex that I had dumped for the boyfriend but felt I had almost definitely made the wrong decision. (Hey, it was very, very confusing!)

A lot of people swear by ex sex. Some claim to keep it casual, but my question is, if you broke up it was for a reason that was probably somewhat emotionally charged, how can you ever truly be flip? The bottom line is, someone is still attached. If not, why exactly are you allowing yourselves to sleep together again? Sadly, the answer is that one party is just interested in sex, while the other has a desperate ulterior motive: to convince the former to realize that they should get back together.

A man reportedly broke into his ex-girlfriend’s home and stole the sex toys he had bought for her birthday present when they were together. After making off with the lingerie, gauntlets, shackles, and whip, Paul Ashcroft is said to have sent Claire Bainbridge a text message telling her to check her drawers. She discovered that the items were missing, and two days later they were recovered in Ashcroft’s residence. The judge sentenced him to a two-year conditional discharge, in addition to paying court costs. “This was pretty disgraceful behavior,” the judge said. “There is no excuse for doing what you did in stealing those items. I trust that the relationship has now come to an end. I have been told…each of you now has a fresh relationship. I suggest you concentrate on that.” [News Guardian, U.K.]

Unless you started your new relationship as a virgin, chances are you have some semblance of an “ex.”

So what happens to all the “exes” when you get into a serious relationship? Are they like the Junior absorbency tampons in your multi-pack, destined to go unused for all your menstruating days? And what if you’ve actually developed a “friendship” with this feminine Q-tip? Well, the answer is harsh…but simple. Once you get into a serious relationship, your ex “friends” are going to fade away, and they should. Here’s my rationale: