As of late, I feel as though my friends and I are in a Doors song, specifically “Riders On The Storm.” We are making the poor decision to ride into a the perfect storm of broken hearts and alcohol, combined with the fact that we’re in our mid- to late-twenties and freaking out about it. Which also means that we should know better. Yet we continue to get knocked down, and then get up again, because you ain’t ever gonna keep us down.
We need to calm our tits.
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Oh darling Matthew Falkner of Palm City, Florida (always, always Florida), you and I are soulmates. After all, you were arrested in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, after employees there noticed you were idling your car in the lot and pressing heavily on the accelerator, with smoke coming out of the engine. Police asked for your identification, and instead you reached in your bag and pulled out a taco. I really love tacos, so I’d actually welcome a taco or five from you, my friend. Oh sure, your blood alcohol level was .22 when you were arrested — three times over the legal limit — but that just means you’d benefit from someone to share your happy hour margaritas with, right?
Apparently your car was on fire at the time of the incident, too. Perhaps you were looking to reheat your Burrito Supreme? [Foodbeast]
Kids these days! They’re just not getting drunk like they used to. When I was a young sprite, someone with a car had to drive into the nearest city and buy booze from the one dodgy liquor store known to sell to under-21s. But modern youth have taken to drinking liquid hand sanitizer. Could their mouths really be as dirty as the Orbit gum commercial says? No, silly: hand sanitizer contains 62 percent ethyl alcohol, which is teenager-speak for “good enough for me.” So far, six teens have been rushed to San Fernando Valley ERs after learning the hard way that this is a f**king stupid thing to do. Now, get off my lawn! [USA Today]
Alas, San Fernando Valley teens are not the only creative, bored individuals to consume the modern equivalent of bath tub gin. But there are more! Here are a bunch of other stupid ways to get drunk or high that WE TOTALLY DO NOT CONDONE YOU TRYING, you hear?
Like many of us, the first thing I like to do when I’m wasted is find the nearest multi-million dollar painting and rub up all on it. That’s just what poor Carmen Tisch, of Denver, Colorado, was trying to do when she was stopped by police for punching and then pressing her bare ass on a $30 million Clyfford Still painting.
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Science! It’s a wonderful thing. For instance, thanks to science, we now know that 3 out of 4 photos that British people post on Facebook are taken while drunk. A study done by MyMemory.com polled 1,781 Brits who admitted that around 75 percent of the photos they were tagged in were taken while under the influence. Said Rebecca Huggler of MyMemory: “The fact that over three quarters of the average Brits’ Facebook photos are under the influence of alcohol was certainly interesting to find out, particularly when you consider what this says about us as a nation enjoying a drink or two!”
Or, it may just mean that we’re more inclined to let our guards down and let our friends snap photos of us when we’ve tossed back a couple. Tell us: Are most of your Facebook photos taken while tipsy? [Newslite]
These two little guys just got back from the vet, and are still feeling a little woozy from the painkillers they received. So yes, they appear a little drunk-y, and actually remind me of what I typically look like after a long, vodka-soaked night out, complete with accidentally stepping in my own food bowl. [YouTube]
Earlier this week, Vinny was seen loading his bags into a car outside “Jersey Shore”‘s Seaside Heights house as he allegedly quit the show. Days later, The Situation stormed off, too, huffing and puffing to the paparazzi that he, “the bad guy,” was quitting, too. Drama, drama, drama.
So, how did a sensitive soul like Snooki cope with the breakup of her family unit? The only way Snooks knows how: she tied one on and danced with a potted plant. I am sure Louis Vuitton is thrilled about the product plug in the video footage of this special moment.
Aw, girl, we’ve all been there. In the spirit of summer weekends (!), I mixed myself a mojito and sauntered around the Frisky office, asking my colleagues: “What is the silliest thing you’ve done while drunk?” I already knew Amelia once fell into a lake (at a wedding). Oh, but it gets much, much, much funnier. Keep reading »
Last weekend, I stood on the subway platform, thumbing through a magazine and grumbling about how the next train wouldn’t arrive for another 11 minutes. As I waited, more and more feet descended the stairs. Two pairs caught my attention — one was manicured with bright red polish and strapped into a sky high silver sandals, the other was in electric blue stilettos. Both pairs of ankles wobbled as their owners awkwardly lowered their feet. It seemed like at any moment, one—or maybe both—of them would come plummeting down the stairs. A few unsteady steps later, two women appeared in full view—both their faces were flushed and they clung to each other’s arms for dear life. “Wha a you lookin’ at,” one of them slurred to a guy who shook his head as they passed.
These girls were trashed. It was only 8 p.m.
Watching them zig and zag down the subway platform, I felt adrenaline rush through me. I felt like I should do something. But what? These are adults. They’re just having fun, I thought. They can take care of themselves.
But then another part of me thought: how naive. Keep reading »