Today on Slate.com is an excellent piece about why “kinky” should be considered a sexual orientation. Writer Jillian Keenan posits how we define a person’s sexual orientation should include what kind of energies turn a person on — dominant or submissive, for example — because for people like Keenan and myself, our sexuality is more complicated than just the gender and genitalia of the person to whom we are attracted. Keep reading »
It’s difficult to walk away from an episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” without thinking to oneself, ”Every single one of these women needs massive amounts of therapy” … yet we do it in a way that keeps us TiVoing their table-flipping drama week after week. But a new book published by Melissa Gorga, called Love Italian Style, filled with her so-called ‘marriage advice tips’ crosses into the realm of seriously disturbing.
Clearly the Gorgas have a traditional-style marriage. That does not suit everyone’s tastes. However, Melissa Gorga doesn’t simply fulfill the traditional feminine role in her marriage by cooking meals, cleaning the house and being primary caretaker of the children. As Amelia wrote about yesterday, she advises satisfying your husband’s sexual desires at all times, fashioning herself into his own personal “puttana [Italian slang for "whore"]” in the bedroom, lest her husband be driven to cheat. She explains how Joe is liable to be less angry at her for making mistakes when she’s been putting out.
Then there’s the part where Gorga gives a thumbs-up to marital rape:
Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,” turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.
There’s the playful, “wink-wink-nudge-nudge” no that I hope Melissa Gorga is referring to. Then there’s the “no means no” no that makes turning your wife around and ripping her clothes off rape. Gorga doesn’t elucidate any difference. Nor does Gorga seem to find it disconcerting, as Jezebel pointed out, that Joe is prone to “violent outbursts” — like breaking a baby’s highchair — that cause her to “modify her own behavior” to please him. Still, Gorga repeatedly writes that marriage should based upon respect. Keep reading »
A few years ago ….
Today, in 2012, I avoid him as much as I can. But my friend (?) Richard used to joke (?) that I only called him when I broke up with my boyfriends. Kinda true, kinda false. Regardless — a few years ago — I don’t even call him this time, I just end up at his apartment for some small party.
He scents the pain in me, and suddenly we’re in a back room, alone. One of the reasons he’s so good at this is that he smells vulnerability like a shark smells blood. I don’t remember whether I ask him to hurt me, or he just grabs me. “Something’s close to the surface,” I tell him, while he leaves bite-shaped bruises on my upper arm. He knows me; he doesn’t leave bruises in places I can’t cover with a t-shirt.
“What is it?” he asks, and I choke on it. I’m already starting to cry. We’ve only been doing this for a moment.
“Red,” I say. The safeword. I’m sobbing. “Red.” Richard stops immediately. “Tears,” I say. “Tears were close to the surface.” Keep reading »
One of the defining tensions in my life has always been reconciling my feminist political beliefs, my desire for a respectful and egalitarian relationship, and my attraction to more traditional alpha males. I passionately believe in women’s equality, in reproductive rights, and in equal pay for equal work. And I want to be in a loving, intimate, balanced relationship where everyone makes a contribution, whatever that might be. So why do those things seem so hard to reconcile with my desire to feel looked after and taken care of? Keep reading »
Imagine a woman: She has a college degree and a job, she pays for her own house and car, and she’s not intimidated by any man for any reason. She’s smart, independent and strong.
Isn’t it a puzzle, then, that she has sexual fantasies of being dominated?
Actually, researchers say, it makes perfect sense. Keep reading »