There are dealbreakers and then there are dealbreakers—and a past history of domestic violence is a dealbreaker on a lot of people’s list. Salon.com’s advice columnist, Cary Tennis, fielded a question from a former abuser who’s nervous about telling his new girlfriend he physically abused his ex-wife half a dozen times during their marriage.
After divorcing, “Ex-Abuser,” as he signed his letter, entered therapy and said it helped him “understand my reasons for the abuse, and the effect it had on both my wife and our relationship.” Also after the divorce, he and his ex-wife went to therapy together and “the abuse was addressed and some amount of nascent healing took place.”
Now Ex-Abuser is in a new relationship with a woman he seems to want to spend his life with. Trouble is, he hasn’t told her about his past. Not only is he afraid his new girlfriend will ditch him if she knows, but his ex-wife is threatening to spill the beans herself. And that, obviously, would be bad. Keep reading »
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. To celebrate, former baseball player Marcus Giles beat up his wife, while a year ago, his brother Brian was arrested for long-term abuse of his wife. The sports blog Deadspin apparently thinks this is the right time to make a funny, writing in a post titled, “Alleged Domestic Violence Runs In The Family,” that Marcus’s abuse of his wife is “apparently an isolated incident, but Brian was always the better hitter.” Hardy. Har. Har. [Deadspin] Keep reading »
On Friday night I was on my way back to my apartment, late at night, with a couple of friends in tow. I live in a really hoppin’ area so there were tons of people on the streets. Suddenly, I overheard a guy screaming at a woman, who was wedged into a corner near a building. I was a few sheets to the wind myself, so I can’t remember exactly what he was saying to her, but I immediately noticed her cowering, a look of fear on her face. I stopped and watched for a moment. My friends were encouraging me to catch up and not worry about what was, in their eyes, a lovers’ quarrel. I didn’t move. The man continued to scream at the woman and then started to walk off, while she stood, unable to move. I need to do something, I thought to myself. This doesn’t seem right. Keep reading »
I’ve had a lapse in judgment or two which have led to embarrassing acts of desperation in front of a man. But nothing I’ve done has even been quite so desperate (or completely nutburgers) as what Helen Sun did to her man: The 38-year-old woman allegedly slipped a Mickey in her husband’s Gatorade and then handcuffed herself to him! Keep reading »
Not that he’s doing anything right, but a few hours after Chris Brown was sentenced for assaulting Rihanna, he celebrated by heading to a Los Angeles club where he jumped up on a booth and did an impromptu performance of Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana.” One club goer said, “He not only sang, but danced his ass off. He didn’t seem to care at all that everyone was watching him. He was in a totally good mood, just hanging out with his buddies.” [Contact Music]
Well, of course he was in a good mood—he got out of this mess with no jail time, just 1,400 hours of community service and domestic violence classes. We think it was kinda tacky to make a scene after getting off easy for committing a heinous crime, but plenty of stars have found other ways to act inappropriately after escaping the clutches of the law. Keep reading »
A friend of mine, Daniel, said, recently, a group of men and women in his neighborhood bar for a parade approached him “looking for some kind of fight.” A woman in the group, he said, “started some shit with me” and “at one point said, ‘What would you do if I threw this drink on you?’” Daniel said he ignored the woman’s threat and directed his attention to the men in the group; after verbal exchanges, the whole group “slinked away” out of the bar. He said the confrontation made him think about what he would have done if the woman had thrown her drink at him. He wrote to me in an email:
“But I really did consider—would I hit her? And I decided, yeah, I might have. And she would’ve deserved it. Totally unprovoked physical aggression can rightly be met in kind. I probably would’ve slapped her, or I might grabbed her by the shoulders and thrown her aside. Either way, she would’ve deserved some kind of physical reaction.”
Michael, an ex-colleague of mine, has been on the receiving end of physical violence from an ex-girlfriend.
“The only time it’s ok to get any kind of physical with a girl, in my mind is when she’s under the influence of something and hitting/kicking violently (at you or someone else),” he wrote. “Only then do I see it appropriate to physically restrain her…but this is the same rule I use for guys too, so it has little to do with the sex of the individuals involved.”
Sigh. The Feb. 8th incident when Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna was not the first violent argument between the couple. Before his sentencing yesterday, Brown’s probation officer filed a report revealing the couple was involved in two other incidents “related to domestic violence“—and come to find out, Rihanna has slapped Brown in the past. Obviously that does not make the intensity of his brutal Feb. 8 assault excusable, but it sheds light on how they had a more violent relationship than we previously thought. Keep reading »
The graph, released by UNICEF and based on data collected between 2001 and 2007, displays the percentages of women, by country, who believe it is OK for their husbands to hit them. The numbers are all horrifying, ranging from 6.9 percent in Serbia to a heartbreaking 90 percent in Jordan. More info here. [via Feministing] Keep reading »
“Why does she stay?” is the question most often asked when we hear about someone involved in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the least helpful things you can say to a woman caught up in this cycle. So what can we do to help when we suspect a friend is being battered?
Several years ago, project manager Jenny found herself in that position when she noticed a new friend was covered in bruises. “I told her flat-out that I had seen the bruises and that I was concerned,” Jenny says via email. “I told her that I didn’t know if she needed help or someone to talk to, but that she could call me any time, day or night.” Keep reading »