I’ve always thought it was really sweet that Jessica Simpson and Dolly Parton are friends. When Jessica flubbed the words to “9 to 5” performing for President Bush a few years back, Dolly said to the press, “Jessica is so talented that I’m sure that someday they will be paying tribute to her.” When folks poked fun at Jessica’s weight, Dolly told Larry King, “People always treat her bad. They always talk bad about her. I just recorded a song with her a few months ago. And I’ve never been around a person any sweeter in my life.” These two have a ton in common—the big blond hair, the country roots, and, of course, their massive chests. Well, last night on Twitter, they finally acknowledged the latter commonality. Dolly Tweeted, “Ahhh chiropractor ... Hurts so good : - ) you lug these around and see if your back don’t hurt!” To which Jessica responded, “Amen sister : - ).”

Here’s hoping they start a group called the Big Tittie Committee and invite Pamela Anderson to join them in discussing the woes of being top-heavy. [Huffington Post]

I can’t stand Christmas music.  After a weeks worth of shopping I’m already up to my eyeballs in “Silver Bells” and “Feliz Navidad.” Don’t get me wrong, I love buying gifts, but if I hear one more light jazz rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock,” I’m going to lose it. There are plenty of non-Christmas celebrating shoppers out there, slowly being tortured by seasonal elevator music—the Heebs, Muslims, Buddhists, Jehovah Witnesses, Atheists, Taoists….well, you get the point. Still, since it’s our job, if we have the means, to help boost the economy, I would just like to suggest some tracks to the retailers out there, unless they want me to do my holiday shopping at home—where I can blast my own awesome non-denominational music. Now, let’s get in the mood to spend with these hot holiday-free jams that revel in consumerism…

Growing up, my mom and dad shared the responsibility of bringing home the bacon…well, the proverbial bacon—we’re Jewish. Anyway, my mom was a realtor and good at her job, but I’ll never forget her main competitor. His wife didn’t work and he was a jerk, the kind of guy who used too much hair grease and put his cheesy head shot up at bus stops. While my mother kept me in enriching after school programs, this other slick Realtor dude would scam his clients for sympathy by dragging his son around to meetings. One particular prospective female client even told my mother she was going to go with this guy because he was really his family’s breadwinner. Puke—that’s some serious girl-on-girl crime! I was always proud of my mama for Mary Tyler Moore-ing it up in the face of sexist foolishness, but apparently this chauvinist realtor isn’t the only man who has cashed in on close-mindedness.

While my Dolly Parton-esque double D’s provide my sexy-time friends with far, far more than a handful, my breasts prevent me from normal activities. Like crossing my heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Like squeezing between tables at restaurants without whacking someone in the face. Like wearing button-up shirts and running at the same time. Still, are my bodacious ta-ta’s any more intrusive than, say, the pair men have—that is: balls? I mean, how do they run with those things dangling between their legs? There’s just no denying it. Ladies and gents have bulky body baggage. Thankfully, some gender-bending reporters over at Time Out New York decided to put their work-out routine to the boobs versus balls test. Their results? Frank and beans are easier to exercise with than a couple of milk jugs. But here at the Frisky, let’s talk about when appendages really matter: the sex act. Which cushion do you think is worse for the pushin’? [Boinkology]

Space, the final frontier, is getting a new voyager and some sperm that’s outta this world! Richard Garriott, the video game visionary behind Tabula Rasa, is going to be the sixth private citizen to be sent to outer space. How’d he get so lucky? Well, he’s started a program to collect, create, and carry digital DNA and snippets of human history as a time capsule to be stored at the International Space Station. The paranoid gamer is worried androids, the apocalypse, and natural disasters could make us all extinct. His fear has inspired him to create the project, called “Operation Immortality,” to ensure a future for humanity. So who’s genetic code is he cracking? So far, brilliant comedian and well-known narcissist, Stephen Colbert, has agreed to donate, but even the average Jane can offer up her stuff too!  All you have to do is play the free trial of Tabula Rasa and your name could get selected at random to become a sample.  But if DNA seems a bit too personal, you can simply send a message to the Universe by typing a note about the 21st Century here. Mr. Garriott will be collecting information until October when his shuttle launches. So, with a month to go, we’d like to recommend a few good peeps we think the future could use…

American Idol is kind of testing our patience this season, because they’re going into territory that maybe they shouldn’t—i.e. the Beatles catalog and, now, bringing on our beloved Dolly Parton as a mentor. The very thought of Kristy Lee Cook warbling her way through “Coat of Many Colors” makes us want to dig out our eardrums with a spoon. But to tell you the truth, last night’s episode, in which the top nine sang Dolly’s amazing tunes, was not so bad. Even David Cook, who got a haircut, was pretty decent in his rendition of “Little Sparrow”. Thank goodness no one attempted “Islands In The Stream”, though. In any case, Brooke White, who sang “Jolene” (above) was still our favorite, mainly because she doesn’t seem like such a poseur.

A few years back, I was stood up on Valentine’s Day. He was a flaky musician, I was a fool. As I sat all alone on my sofa, in my new red dress, I thought to myself, “Gee, Valentine’s Day sucks if you don’t have a way to celebrate it.”  Luckily, that night, I had a full bottle of vodka in the freezer.  After I mixed myself a few too many drinks—and told him where he could go via voice mail)—I decided that I would start a new ritual of mix making for Valentine’s Day. What began as a drunken search through my music collection for a song that would perfectly sum up how sad/pissed I was about getting ditched on V-day (after three months of dating no less), grew into a holiday tradition of telling my love life via pop songs. This particular mix, entitled “You Can’t Screw The Hole In My Heart Too” was inspired by a bad break-up in which I didn’t get to keep the dog, but I luckily got to keep my pride… whatever’s left of it. The mix charts the arc of a heartbreaking split, all the emotions: confusion, anger, denial, loneliness, jealousy, desperation, and then the eventual sigh of defeat.  So, if you’re feeling it this Valentine’s Day, breakup with me. Misery loves company and a soundtrack.

While accepting an award in New York City last year, Dolly Parton said she had been known for two things throughout her career. “I’m talking about my music and my lyrics,” she joked. Sadly, it’s the two things on our dirty minds that are holding her back, no pun intended. Ms. Parton, 62, who has fittingly nicknamed her monumental boobs “shock” and “awe”, has postponed her tour due to back problems caused by carrying that weight a long time. The sequin-loving singer/songwriter will be stuck in bed for 6-8 weeks, but is expected to make a full recovery and begin touring in support of her soon-to-be-released record Backwoods Barbie in April. Yeehaw!  Until then, we’ll just be watching the music video for her new single, “Better Get To Livin’” featuring Amy Sedaris (of Strangers With Candy fame). Get well soon, Dolly! [The Sun U.K.]

It should go without saying that Dolly Parton is one of The Frisky‘s most favorite female artists of all time. That’s why we literally screamed out loud when we found our gossip blogger Perez Hilton was hooking up his readers with a free opportunity to stream Dolly’s new album, Backwoods Barbie—with Miss Parton’s permission of course. It’s her first mainstream country album in almost a decade and, OMG, Dolly we love you. She even covers the Fine Young Cannibals’ “Drive Me Crazy” and Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks Of My Tears”! This is the happiest day ever. [Dolly Parton Music via Perez Hilton]