I’m all for anthropomorphizing animals. I spend a lot of time talking to my cat, after all. However, this sweatshirt featuring a polar bear sporting a top hat, bowtie and umbrella is just not right. Polar bears would not need umbrellas. That’s just ridiculous. They have polar bear hair! Also, why is this polar bear hanging out in some weird tropical climate? That’s completely and totally unrealistic. But perhaps the most important question — why is this sweatshirt so terribly ugly? [$57.99, Modcloth]
These leather peep-toe oxfords boast a 5.5 inch platform, which I’m pretty sure qualifies them as a circus prop instead of a shoe. Standing perfectly still they’re kinda cute, I guess, if a little “Spice Girl goes to Cambridge,” but seriously, can you imagine navigating sidewalks in these things? Death traps! [$45, Urban Outfitters]
I’ve always had a problem with pants and skirts that come with a belt attached. I feel like these garments represent a significant step toward the downfall of civilization. I mean, if we can’t even choose our own belt and loop it through a few belt holes how will we feed ourselves and solve the global warming crisis? When I saw these shorts with suspenders attached, well, that’s when I knew there was no hope for mankind. [$137, Pink Mascara]
I say if you’re going to bother wearing a heel, go high: this indecisive mid-point isn’t working for me. High-end designers such as Louis Vuitton, Dolce & Gabbana, and Prada may have marched them out on their Spring/Summer 2012 runways with aplomb, but the mule doesn’t translate well to real girl style, unless perhaps she goes all out with head-to-toe vintage, no apologies. While Stylelist, which is usually right on trend, insists that you should invest in a pair, I say it’s a definite don’t. What’s your take: would you wear this classic, grandma-inspired footwear? [J. Renee Baja, $36.99, 6pm.com]
On the one hand, this sweater looks enticingly delicious. On the other, I still can’t eat it. And that makes me HANNNNNGRY (which is a word combining the two miserable qualities of being both hungry and angry). So for that reason alone, I’m not particularly fond of this pizza sweater. Consider also that I’m not entirely sure of pizza sweater’s origins (Alien baby? Pizza the Hut?) and this pizza sweater is a confusingly delectable Do Not Want.
I was about to make a joke about how these boots look like something the designers created with little scraps of fabric and leather they found on the floor of the factory, and then I read the description and apparently that’s exactly how these boots were made. So I guess I’ll choose a different snarky comment: these boots like they’re in the process of molting. Zing! [Luxury Jones Boots, $438, Free People]